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Crap Programs You Made Yourself


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Surely I can't be the only person on here who decided they were going to make the next smash hit from the comfort of their own home, and a poor grasp of BASIC programming?

Let the rest of us read the outcomes of your shoddy programming skills and/or lack of interest which saw your creations remain unfinished or unplayable.

I'll start the ball rolling - no laughing at the back...

Sinclair Spectrum

I made countless numbers of crap games and utils for this over the year, and only a few I can actually recall:

- Spectrum +3 Disk Menu - Actually, not too bad. I had a Spectrum +3 and Multiface, and each disk had a number of games on each side. So, rather than having to type "cat" to find out what was on the disk, or type in the filename, the disk would autoboot into a simple menu screen so you could select what game you wanted. It was really basic looking (and coded 100% in Spectrum BASIC) but did exactly what I wanted it to do.

- The Kylie Adventure Game - Out of boredom I started putting together a graphic adventure game in which the objective was to stop Kylie singing such horrible tunes as "I Should be so Lucky". Due to me getting bored of programming it, this turned out to have about 8 rooms in it which you could move to and from, and that was it.

Amiga

I did start tinkering with AMOS but hated the interface so much I gave up after a very short time.

PC

I bought myself Blitz Basic and decided I was going to code a retro remake in the form of an updated version of Dynamite Dan.

I got a really nice scroller up and running, and a funky menu system, and then got bored designing the Spectrum style fonts.

I'm sure some of you have some equally poor tales to tell.

Rob

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RM Lynx Z80

I made a program that could query each of the 4 8" floppy drives used for storage and tell you everything and anything about their contents...

I remember making some quite crap (but fun when compared to things like Granny's Garden :P ) multiplayer Snake game on the school BBCs.

But my dad was into computers at just the right time, and actually had a couple of games published and made a few quid from them. Written in BASIC, there was a Bridge game, and some Lunar Lander thing. Nowadays you'd set primary school children that sort of stuff for homework! :wacko:

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I was always trying to write games on my old Speccy +2, mostly in basic but I had a few machine code routines too. Sadly all of them were crap.

I recently bought Blitz Basic, so maybe one day I'll finish a game... Somehow I think I'll be sticking to graphics though.

Does anyone remember "Rich Pelly's Crap Games Corner" in Your Sinclair?

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Amstrad CPC

I wrote two games for the CPC. The first was called Blocks, and was a basic rip-off of Klax. And it didn't recognise horizontal lines, making it rather poor.

The second was Premier Soccer Manager, a football management game that had a lot in common with Soccer Boss, except it also featured full match commentary. You always lost the first game 5-3 to Exeter City, however, if you didn't fiddle much with your team. It didn't save properly - something I only found out a few months ago (I wrote it back in 1996).

PC

One day in school, a mate and I wrote a mini adventure game in Pascal. The first (and indeed, only) NPC you met was none other than Adolf Hitler. Our computing teacher told us that we were "a bit sick there".

Using DIV Games Studio, I knocked up an overhead shooter demo, which I never got around to finishing but I found quite fun. After that I decided to start working on TCFG... and here I still am.

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I was a subscriber to BASIC magazine (think "I love horses", but with code) - never missed an issue! It didn't however improve my skills much, and the most I could come up with was a copy of the tanks bit from Atari's Combat.

On the amiga, I started to code a program to read DOS formatted disks. This now makes me physically cringe and grit my teeth when I think about it.

I also coded a two-player version of scorched tanks for my graphing calculator.

*hangs head*

Edit: and the tanks could only move and shoot horizontally and vertically. Though they did have bouncy bullets, which didn't work too well if you missed your target, as you had microseconds to get out of the way before killing yourself.

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I was the master of shit text adventures using simple string-based questions in BASIC on my C64. I later made little skeletons whereby people could input their own scenarios and questions and outcomes into a string-based thing and then play out their own adventure, I also dabbled with a semblance of AI whereby actions you took in the game would invisibly set parameters that would then be checked later on (for instance, if you went into an enemy base through the front door as opposed to the back the string would be set to "suspicious" instead of "neutral", and this would be checked just as you are about to leave so as to see if an enemy "follows you" on your way out), and my facourite was a little nonlinear structure I figured out; I could use one line for a scenario description, two lines to print the two available options and two more lines to code the necessary "if user chose option a goto here" code, and so if I made the goto references divisble by 5 I could have a branching game, as each new scenario would start at 0, or 5, or 10, or 15...

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Using a trusty old Amstrad CPC 464 I constructed a crude 'comedy' program in basic. It basically got the user to input ten different named objects and then input them into a pre-fabricated story that i'd written.

Filling in the blanks. The laughter (or lack of) would then come from the strange outcomes that occur within the story.

ie:

user word 1? : Novelty jewel encrusted dildo.

user word 2? : Aids infested robotic tramp.

a sentence of the story then might read "The baby then savagely pushed its [user word 1] into his drooling mouth, happily sat upon an [user word 2]".

It wasnt fool proof of course and only stood a chance of making someone laugh the first time they used it (repeat uses of the same story obviously losing their already limited comedy potential!)

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I recall spending several hours making a spunky penis shoot bouncy breasts and opening legs in my DIY sex invaders game using some prefab game maker on the Spectrum (I forget which one sadly). Can't think why I didn't resurrect that idea when I later got SEUCK for the C64. It worked as far as it repeated the same level over and over.

Made several utilities, mostly dull stuff that tweaked the BASIC commands and stuff. Actually used to enjoy debugging type ins from mags, eventually got most of them working.

Most techie thing I ever did was an Atari ST assembly routine that broke down a series of coloured frames of animation into single plane mono, compressed them then saved to floppy. The compression and colour reduction allowed enough frames to recreate the 'dancer' style seen in some of the Amiga demos of the time. An added bonus was that by shoving varying frames into different colour planes, I got trippy colour effects a la 70's TOTP :P.

And just to make that slightly interesting, the dancer in my animation was created by tracing each frame onto clingfilm on the TV from a paused recording of Hitman & Her then tracing that back on the ST screen :rolleyes:

EDIT:

Just remembered something. An acquaintance of mine at school actually coded a complete platform game in Basic for the Oric. Pretty sure I still have a copy on cassette somewhere, I wouldn't mind seeing that again. iirc there were around 10 levels, but I never got past the second.

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I recall spending several hours making a spunky penis shoot bouncy breasts and opening legs in my DIY sex invaders game

Weird, In a fit of adolescent joy I did the exact same thing on SEUCK. I somehow feel we were not alone in this ingenious use of amatuer game making software :rolleyes:

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BBC Micro

I specialised in using joysticks. I couldn't make a "game" to save my life but I liked making programs (anything) that would use joysticks. My main one let you and a second player type a word in then use your joysticks to move it about the screen, painting it everywhere. Predictably, my friend and I invented a game where we had to fill the screen with our chosen word (usually "shit" and "fart" respectively). Very amusing at the time...

I also made a weird game which used the analogue of the joystick to control a crosshair. An enemy would appear on screen and you would get the crosshair over it and press fire to get a point and another enemy would appear. It was rubbish!

PSION Series 3

I would start a lot of games but always run out of disk space to continue them, owing to hideously inefficient code. I made some awful routine for fading the screen to black which required me typing in something like 200 lines of code with only minor differences in each line (like one number increased by 2 and the other by 1).

I don't think I've coded anything else (crap and funny) that isn't recent PC stuff.

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I made a pretty nifty adventure on the Electron when I was 8 using only a fundamental knowledge of BASIC and the 'IF... ELSE' commands. I was right proud of it.

And that's as far as my programming adventures went.

I did use an Atari ST 'hyperlink' database program to make a Fighting Fantasy-style adventure though. That was damn good fun, but the 'complete view' option yielded a brain-meltingly complicated collection of pages and links.

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Weird, In a fit of adolescent joy I did the exact same thing on SEUCK. I somehow feel we were not alone in this ingenious use of amatuer game making software :rolleyes:

I have embarassed my wife by publicly admitting this.

Still, respect must go to the realistic pumping action. It took another decade or so for commercial games to have 'bouncy breasts on/off' options, so I reckon we were just ahead of our time.

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Oh, and I made a game in SEUCK not at all based on a popular Treasure shmup for the GC/DC, where - depending on the side of the screen you were on, you could only kill certain colour enemies. I had a little colour logo on each side so as to make identification easier, but SEUCK was quite limited, so I couldn't have homing bullets. Or chaining. Or much else.

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SEUCK was pretty nifty for its time. I remember i went to some party, and whilst all the adults where talking me and some other kids made a game on his C64 (or maybe amiga - cant remember) anyway we charged everyone about 10p a go and said the person to get the highest score wins the lot. I ended up winning it.. only about 50p heh.

For me, i have made several games etc in packages, i wouldnt say any where that crap though.

I made some stuff on the Amiga with AMOS.

One was called Zombie dungeon. Basically it was like Zelda mixed with Myst. You had to navigate around a series of dungeons, by clicking up/down/left/right in different parts of the screen to advance. Some screens had notes hidden away with passwords to locked doors etc. It was pretty lame to be honest.

Another was "rez & sparky go to the funfair". Basically it was a screen by screen comic book, with interactive elements (ie they spoke). Problem was i wanted to do both the voices and so they sounded a tad simular. I ended up getting it reviewed in some Amiga magazine, so i was dead chuffed.

I ended up doing a sequel, "Sparkys Quest" which was simular but more interactive. It had a lot of puzzles etc and was aimed more at young kids, like the game i made before. Unfourtunatly i never finished it because i got a PC and just didnt go back to Amos after that.

I did make a virtual pet type application in the Games factory (pc). I called it "Virtual Link" (based on Zelda). It started out as a simple thing, but i started adding a lot more stuff into it. It was pretty crap, but it got about 50,000 downloads on my website. I made some more Zelda games, but they were better.

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I pretty much spent any lesson at school I didn't enjoy trying to make stuff on my TI83 graphic calculator. Got quite good at making text adventures with the IF, GOTO, ELSE and THEN commands (I think). Could also add values to letters if players find puzzle items, then query the letter value later to see if they have the item. My most advanced one started off on a crudely drawn castle-grounds map screen where you use the arrow keys to move a player (just a letter I think!) icon around to the building you want to explore, then it switches to text adventure mode to explore the building - I was really proud of getting this done! I think I just used the arrow key inputs to add or subtract from the co-ordinate value of the player icon. For some reason though, this worked brilliantly until a minute or two in, when it would keep getting slower until it became unplayable. I'd be interested if anyone could deduce why.

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Guest Cheesypete

Me and my brother were really into Ikari Warriors so we tried to make a version using SEUCK

We thought it was great but you could only shoot upwards - akin to playing the arcade version with a knackered joystick!

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I recall spending several hours making a spunky penis shoot bouncy breasts and opening legs in my DIY sex invaders game using some prefab game maker on the Spectrum (I forget which one sadly). Can't think why I didn't resurrect that idea when I later got SEUCK for the C64. It worked as far as it repeated the same level over and over.

Could it be Quiksilva's Games Designer?

Going back to the spunky penis fascination. I do remember my mate and I making some amusing (well, to two barely pubescent boys) animations in Deluxe paint.

We'd grab an IFF from Bodacious Beauties or similar porn disk, import it into Deluxe Paint and then create a crude animation of a cartoon penis spunking up all over some woman's tits.

Who says it wasn't educational?! :rolleyes:

Happy days!

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Could it be Quiksilva's Games Designer?

Going back to the spunky penis fascination. I do remember my mate and I making some amusing (well, to two barely pubescent boys) animations in Deluxe paint.

We'd grab an IFF from Bodacious Beauties or similar porn disk, import it into Deluxe Paint and then create a crude animation of a cartoon penis spunking up all over some woman's tits.

Who says it wasn't educational?! :rolleyes:

Happy days!

Yeah, there's not much difference between a hand drawn 16x16 monochrome image and 4096 colour digitised pr0n. Spoilt you were. Bet you even had soft tissues - when I were a lad we had to wipe the spunk from our nobs with sandpaper....

To be fair, regardless of the source and final product, there was an element of education in these things. Who didn't appreciate the dedication of artists who'd knock up whole games full of sprites after hours slaving over a couple of big and bouncies?

And to answer the question, no, it wasn't Quicksilva's Games Designer, it had a better 'sprite' editor than that.

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I used to mess around with a bit of programming and that in the 8-bit days, can't recall if I ever developed anything that you could call a game though.

One thing I did used to do was use Domark's 3D game creator on the Amiga, to try and create a kind of Castle Master/Mercenary style game. Used to be able to do some pretty cool stuff in it, but I'd get an idea then spend ages trying to get it to work in the limitations of the software before realizing it wasn't possible. Put a lot of effort into the control screens though, but then that involved messing around in Deluxe Paint and who didn't enjoy that :(

I used to make loads of animations of lemmings dying in interesting new ways, I pretty much recreated the Lemmings pixel-for-pixel. They had so much character ;)

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I did an Othello clone in VB the once although got no where near finishing it. I was running of some BASIC listing from INPUT, porting into something 'modern' (VB 3.1 ;) ). It had a nice 3D splash screen :)

Other than that, just useless bollocks. Battleships and stuff. I code crap programs for a living now, yay.

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I used to mess around with a bit of programming and that in the 8-bit days, can't recall if I ever developed anything that you could call a game though.

One thing I did used to do was use Domark's 3D game creator on the Amiga, to try and create a kind of Castle Master/Mercenary style game. Used to be able to do some pretty cool stuff in it, but I'd get an idea then spend ages trying to get it to work in the limitations of the software before realizing it wasn't possible. Put a lot of effort into the control screens though, but then that involved messing around in Deluxe Paint and who didn't enjoy that :)

I used to make loads of animations of lemmings dying in interesting new ways, I pretty much recreated the Lemmings pixel-for-pixel. They had so much character ;)

I had the 3D construction kit on the Speccy, man it was slow.

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