Commando Madness!

[Hello Goaty ♥]

It's on AGAIN next Sunday(!) Channel 5.

" Do I get a second chance to Kill You John? "

[JohnC]

Sometimes I hate not having the apparent cheesefest that is Five.

[Dork Knight]

"Dont disturb my friend, he's dead tired"

[Sir DangerM]

Five is by far the best channel for films. It has a good quality to cheese ratio.

[Paulando]

Did they show it uncut last time?

[Comrade]

For Christ's sake. For a minute there I thought that all of my birthdays had come at once and Arnie was making a sequel. Even though that would be hugely unlikely.

[11 Herbs 'n' Spices]

For Christ's sake. For a minute there I thought that all of my birthdays had come at once and Arnie was making a sequel. Even though that would be hugely unlikely.

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Same here.

I would be extremely disappointed if I didn't love Commando so much. I watch it everytime it's on, even though I own it on DVD.

It should be on 5 days a week. If shite like Eastenders can be on that much, why not Commando?

Actually, that's what Five should do - A different Arnie movie every weekday with a marathon omnibus every Sunday. Fucking get in there!

[Stroker Ace]

Commando is AWESOME.

I just dug this post up that I made on another forum where we sat and discussed Commando at great length, resulting in the ultimate 'Top Ten AWESOME Moments from Commando' list.

What a great movie. It's jam-packed with so many great scenes and lines, that you can't help but love every last second of it. It's funny, it's full of action, it's violent, everyone swears all the time - what's not to love?

It's clearly a colossal joke, too. I'm not sure if Arnold realises that he's in a comedy, but that just makes his deadly serious, deadpan delivery all the more comical. The whole film is a like an ordinary, generic action movie, but with a 'silliness' knob that goes all the way around to eleven. It's 'one sillier'.

It's without question, the stupidest action movie of all time, and it'll never be topped in that regard. All action movies nowadays are typically po-faced, semi-philosophical bollocks wrapped around loads of CGI and blokes on wires, all hoping that they're making the next Matrix. Hell, even the next Matrix was trying really, really hard to be the next Matrix, only to fail miserably like the piece of shit that it is.

There's only one Matrix that matters, and that's John Matrix, dammit.

Action movies SHOULD have shit blowing up, and PROPER stunts where real people get blown up and hit by cars and fall out of big towers and get thrown through windows. Enough of the CGI, already - Let's see some proper stunts and some proper violence with fucking loads of blood and limbs falling off.

With that in mind, here's the Top Ten great moments from Commando: the stupidest action movie ever made.

10. Arnold and his daughter together at the beginning, bonding by feeding a deer together.

9. Arnold gets mobbed by security guards at a mall. They pile on him, he throws them all off and they fly through the air as if tossed by the Incredible Hulk.

8. Arnold shoots out a soldier in a guard tower. Cut to a shot of the soldier staggering about the place, followed by a wide shot of him falling. It's the most perfectly-executed cliche, ever.

7. Arnold's inability to pronounce his own daughter's name. 'Chenneh!'

6. Three small bombs create the biggest explosion in cinematic history as Arnold blows up the guardhouses on El Villain's little island. We get to watch the carnage from every conceivable angle, over and over again for about five minutes.

5. The GAYEST BAD GUY EVER. Not only does he shriek like a girl and wear a Freddy Mercury moustache and sleeveless shirt, he's also entirely bonkers and works himself up into the campest fit of rage ever captured on film as Arnold goads him into a knife fight.

4. 'Remember I told you I was going to kill you last? I lied.'

3. In a scene reminiscent of Space Invaders, row after row of soldiers line up to be shot in slow motion by Arnold's huge gun. Arnold runs across the lawn and rather than seek cover, he stands still and guns down about eighty soldiers using THE BIGGEST GUN IN THE WORLD which he carries on ONE ARM.

2. Arnold gets attacked whilst in a diddy little shed. He fights off one assailant by chopping off the guy's arm, slicing off the top of another's head and then thwacking another one in the groin with an axe. This gets into number two solely because (allegedly) the original cut of the film had Arnold lopping the soldier's arm off, and then punching him in the face with his own fist. Ultraviolence!

1. Arnold stops Sully from making a phone call by tearing the entire phone booth off of the floor with Sully still in it, lifting it above his head and tossing it to the ground, complete with flying sparks and much screaming. It's the perfect Arnold moment - Maximum application of force to accomplish a simple task.

Believe me, picking just ten moments was quite the feat. I had to miss out the bit where Arnold strips down to a pair of Speedos for no reason whatsoever, the bit where Arnold 'eats a Green Beret for breakfast', the bit where El Villain gets shot through the window, and even the all-too-brief appearance of Bill Paxton, daring to give orders to Arnold.

They quite literally don't make them like that any more.

I fucking LOVE Commando.

[biglime]

It's a masterpiece.

Get the curries in.

[Wickedkitten]

I was almost in hysterics last night thinking about this movie in context of Ross' parents dog having a poo in the house one night although he's house trained

Remember when I said I wouldn't poo in the house anymore Scott?

That's right Jack! You did!

I LIEEEEEED

They should just show Commando and Predator.

[Zoltar]

I fucking LOVE Commando.

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Stroker that was incredible, they should re-release the Commando dvd with that whole quote on the back.

It is fantastically over the top, and I too watch it every single time its on.

Even the continuity errors are brilliant.

And that bonding bit at the start when Milano pushes the ice-cream into his face and Arnie has to try so hard to contain the rage and stop from killing a child on film. Brilliant.

[Fry Crayola]

I nominate Stroker's post for Best Post Ever.

Commando is a rare gem. I remember going to see Collateral Damage with mates on the back of an Arnie DVD extravaganza. I was so disappointed with the lack of cheese and violence.

[Wilbo]

Oh man! I was well pissed off when I missed this last week!

My favourite scene is definitely the one where Arnie runs sideways machine-gunning guards on the lawn.

[will]

Hilarious steel drum soundtrack

grenade acrobatics

when bennet gets electrocuted

when he throws knives in two guys at once

[Zero]

Wasnt this only on a few weeks ago, man Channel 5 milk the films they have the rights to show, I remember the matrix being on every other week (or so it seemed).

[11 Herbs 'n' Spices]

Wasnt this only on a few weeks ago, man Channel 5 milk the films they have the rights to show, I remember the matrix being on every other week (or so it seemed).

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Yeah but this is COMMANDO.

It SHOULD be on every week.

[Space Renegade Ulala]

A-frickin'-men. You can never have enough Commando.

This gets into number two solely because (allegedly) the original cut of the film had Arnold lopping the soldier's arm off, and then punching him in the face with his own fist.

Even if it's not true, it's the funniest thing I've seen all day.

[Captain Crunch]

*Holding man upside down on a cliff*

"Hay Sully, remembea I said I were killing yuo last?"

"yeah thats right Matrix"

"AYYYYY LAYD!"

*drops man*

Edit : Sully is one of the funnier characters in this movie. When he hits on the black chick in the airport and she turns him down he cleverly replies with

"you fucking whore"

something to remember the next time you are turned down by the oposite sex.

[McFly]

I'm too lazy to find it but the Commando thread from a wee while back was ace.

[Captain Crunch]

I'm going to watch Hercules in New York tonight. I'm hoping for Commando style genius.

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Dont hold your breath mate. Its a waist of time.

[masterhand]

Arnie goes shopping for guns and ammo. And lets the little stewardess push the trolly overloaded with about 2 tons of millitary hardware in it.

[Captain Crunch]

followed by 5 minutes of loading weapons

ACE!

[Hello Goaty ♥]

Stay Hungry is probably more funny.

or am I thinking of the Running Man

[Captain Crunch]

"climbing for Dollars"

[Fry Crayola]

Edit : Sully is one of the funnier characters in this movie. When he hits on the black chick in the airport and she turns him down he cleverly replies with

"you fucking whore"

something to remember the next time you are turned down by the oposite sex.

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Ah, the subtle irony is lost on poor Sully.

[srgbilco]

They never even showed that president that Arnold was supposed to kill, did they?

[hash ampersand]

That top 10 missed a couple of points I think:-

- The fact that his name is John Matrix is one of those amazing cinematice cliches that you never questioned at the time. It just sounds like a daft videogame character now.

-Bennet, the campest of supervillains, complete with YMCA lamb-chop moustache, and string vest screaming " I'm gonna kill you Matrix!", shortly followed by the timeless pipe-chest combo and "Let off some Steam, Bennet - The Arniest of Arnie lines Evar!

[Hoop]

"I'm not gonna shoot you between the eyes - I'm gonna shoot you between the balls!"

[Spacehost]

Hoop: The greatest line in comedy history.

[McFly]

What about th ebit where a grenade goes off about a foot from Arnie but hes so hard he suffers only minor injuries, he can treat himself ala MGS3