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Timmo

Timmo

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Posted

I wrote some short stories.

There once lived a man named Philip. Now young Philip was quite the cheeky individual - in fact his actions rarely registered at less than 2.5 on the cheek-o-checker. He was widely regarded as the cheekiest man in the West Midlands.

Philip was an enthusiatic individual indeed. His manner in itself warmed those around him, and created an aura of wellbeing. Newsround Presspacker Ian Simms (9) recently reported on his relentlessly positive personality as that of "a diamond in the rough", and described him as "someone that - being well-adjusted, sufficiently self-aware and introspective; a beautiful and constant neon tetra in a world often filled with ugly, montrous catfish - never lost faith in humanity and the underlying beauty of those around him."

And never has an aquarium-based metaphor been more apt than preceding this story, the story of Philip and the fish he met on a blustery day one hectic Winter.

Cheerily walking in the freezing cold weather, Philip was on his way to the ophanage to raise those little orphans up with his cheeky antics. Indeed, once he'd brought delight to the whole building with his fire breathing skills, even if Timmy Terryson had accidentally been set alight that day, haha! (R.I.P. Timmy)

Philip's otherwise quiet and eventless morning was interrupted with a faint sound from the river beside him.

"Help!"

Never one to shy away from someone in need, Philip rushed to the water and searched for the child he'd expected to find inside. It. Frantically looking back and forth, then back again, and forth once more, then once more back to be absolutely sure, then one final time to satisfy his OCD, Philip was unable to detect a person in need of any description! And yet the cries continued!

"Help!"

Philip was distraught - had he somehow been struck with a never-before-seen condition whereby everything in the world was exactly as it was before except for some reason he couldn't see children with no other ill-effects whatsoever? He decided that was probably not the case.

"Help!"

Again - there it was!

Kneeling down, Philip put his face, like, really close to the water. His now well-close-to-the-water face was able to see things via his seductive, deep, sexy brown eyes much better. The owner of the voice was... a fish! Philip held out his ever-accomodating hands to help the fish, which quickly jumped from the water and landed upon't. His hands.

Puzzled, Philip looked down to the fish. He felt sad vibes from it and instantly wanted to help it from its predicamo... predicami... profosfosfo... he wanted to help solve its problem.

"Little blue fish from the wondrous sea, now what pray-tell do you ask of me?"

"You not speak me in rhyme, Philip. I am jus' fish, fish that need Philip help."

"I... I thought I had to speak in rhyme. Sorry."

"That's sea-birds." His brow furrowed.

"Oh... how hideously ignorant of me. I'm sorry."

An awkward silence joined the fish's annoyed look. A few seconds passed before the fish spoke again.

"Aww, Philip, my fin. It no work, Philip. Philip!" The fish writhed in a mixture of pain, frustration, and also probably because he was out of water and fish need water to live.

"Let me have a look," instructed Philip.

He gently lifted, then looked at, the fish's fin. Unfortunately his fish expertise didn't match his expertise with little boy's willies. Many a boy's willy had he healed with his sexy hands.

"Why my fin no work, Philip? Why it no work? Why?" A small, salty tear formed in his sexy, sexy eye and dropped seductively down his curvy - yet lithe - body.

"I... I don't know. I'm... I'm afraid there's not much I can do."

The fish's spasms began to increase. "Philllllip! Why my fin no work! Philip touch my fin! Harder! Harder! Too hard! Phillllip!"

Just then, inspiration struck Philip. He gently kissed the fish on its face and whispered for it not to worry. He scooped the fish into his arms and ran. He ran like he'd never ran before.

He arrived home and dropped the fish into his bowl. A fish that could only swim in circles would have purpose in his home, in his bowl. He'd have that new pet he wanted and the fish could be happy again.

Philip dropped a few flakes into the bowl and smiled as his new friend hungrily gobbled them down.

"Philip, I love you Philip!"

Never before had Philip felt his presence in this cold, calculating world so justified.

A day later the fish died because it was a saltwater fish.

Also, a week after that Philip got beaten up really badly and died.

Ron looked down at the radiator. He put his hand on it, and felt nothing. He slumped, pushed his back up against it, put his head in his hands and began to cry.

His mum hadn't spoken to him in weeks. She didn't care about him. His brother was always her favourite. And that same brother, forever overshadowing him, never visited either.

His so-called friends never rang him any more.

And now his radiator had deserted him.

The tears didn't stop for hours. Eventually Ron fell asleep.

*****

He awoke the next day with a jolt, quickly followed by a great scream of pain. He couldn't move.

His radiator had been on the whole time; his new jumper and gloves he'd bought for the winter were just so thick that he just couldn't feel it. As he lay on the floor, his back badly, badly charred with burns that would be sure to leave lasting, heavy damage, he hoped and prayed that somebody would come and find him. He didn't want to die. The dawning of a new era became clearer to him. He'd change his ways. He needed to be more proactive. He needed a more positive outlook. He needed to give people the benefit of doubt. He'd be more forgiving. He'd be pleasant and smile at people and get on with things. People would react to his friendly, warm nature by being drawn to him. It would be a new start. Ron drifted back to sleep, holding to the hope, knowing that somebody would soon come to help and his new life could begin.

*****

Ron rubbed his eyes. He heard something! Indeed, there was someone at the door!

"Help", shouted Ron. "I'm hurt!"

The letterbox opened and letters dropped through. It was his birthday. It took 3 seperate pushes from the postman to get all the cards through. Cards from the many people who cared for Ron piled up on the floor.

"Help!"

The postman still hadn't heard. He left.

Three days later Ron died of dehydration.

Marks and Spencer thick gloves and jumpers - £28

Little Johnny was a naughty boy. Some would say he was a very, very naughty boy. Some swayed somewhere inbetween, taking away one of the 'very's. Others still described him as 'who', and one other said he was "extremely sexy."

We join him (supposedly - cheeky johnny!) on his way to school. Johnny was in full stride indeed. He'd found on his person a 50 pence piece. (The person he'd found it on was his Dad), and he'd also acquired a tube of Hellman's Strongest Superglue. Johnny sniggered.

He'd spied a spot on the pavement perfect for his little jape. A blank space free of chewing gum met his view, sexily. He waited for the path to clear and scurried over with his two new objects in hand. He squeezed onto the pavement a small amount of the glue, no bigger than the size of a coin. A 50p coin...

Johnny chuckled to himself from around the corner as waited for the inevitable. A man approached the spot on the floor and looked down. He hadn't noticed. As he continued to walk his foot suddenly became stuck! He fell, such momentum had his strides contained. He'd popped right out of the shoe!

"Goodness my gracious", he cried, "my shoe has become one with the floor!" He manoevered, lay down on his front facing the shoe, removed some binoculars from his pocket and stared through them for a few seconds. "Nothing seems to be amiss. What a conundrum."

Johnny around the corner could barely stifle his giggles. What a jape!, he thought.

The man left the scene, hopping away madly. Once the coast became clear Johnny scurried out and approached the shoe. Wow, a brogue! Johnny took the 50 pence piece from his pocket and used it to lever the shoe from where it lay upon't. Free shoe!

He then threw the shoe at a pigeon, killing it.

Next, Johnny purchased a joke chewing gum packet from the shop. Taking the 'gum' causes it to snap back on the jokee's finger. Careful with that, Johnny! Johnny approached Stephanie from his class at school (also truant it would seem!) and offered her the chewing gum. She was reaching out to take it - perfect! He dropped the chewing gum and grabbed her arm, pulling her to the floor. He then kicked her in the neck. Silly Stephanie - that's what you get for skipping school!

Finally, Johnny headed back home for his final trick. His Dad would be home from work soon and he wanted to give him a funny surprise! He went to the basement, where it got ever so hot during the summer, and took upstairs the large fan from the corner. He faced it towards the door. Secondly he went to the attic where all the things left in the house before they'd moved in were kept, and grabbed one of the pillows. He carefully removed the feathers from it and took them downstairs, resting them on a stool he'd put in front of the fan. Lastly, he fetched the tar kept in the garage and carefully rested it on top of the door, ready to fall when his unknowing Dad entered! As a finishing touch, Johnny rigged the fan to start up when the handle on the door was opened. Everything was in place!

10 minutes later, Johnny's Dad's car pulled into the drive, and he approached the door. Johnny giggled from his spot in the corner!

"Johnny!", shouted his father as he approached the door, "I hope you're okay sweetheart, I've brought you a present!"

As he opened the door the tar fell from above and fell onto him, covering him. He screamed.

"Argh, my eyes, I'm not supoosed to get tar in them! I'm permanently blind! BLIND!"

The fan was now running at full speed, and Johnny entered the room, chuckling. By placing the feathers just aside from the fan, he'd managed to stop them blowing into his father. He grabbed a handful of feathers.

"Johnny, Johnny are you there? Help me, something awful has happened!"

Johnny ran to his Dad and bunged the feathers into his shirt. His Dad began to sneeze uncontrollably.

"Oh no! Argh! I'm having an allergic reaction to the feathers!" By now, Johnny's father was rolling on the floor in agony. He was soon unconscious.

The boy approached the fan and ripped the front off. It roared. He approaced his father and slowly lowered it towards his face. Little Johnny laughed cheekily as blood splashed up onto his face.

THE END

An old woman my grandmother used to know, she'd spend her days just sitting in her chair. She'd sit and sit and sit and sit and she'd never get up, but to visit the toilet next door. They'd have to feed her, and they'd have to move her mouth for her, chew for her. She was terribly lonely following the death of her husband.

Perhaps it wasn't simple loneliness. She'd have visitors, but she wouldn't make them a buffet. She'd just sit in her chair and nod, feigning interest in their mutterings and small talk. She found them tedious. No one could live up to her husband and his musings; "Why don't they make cars out of crisps? Then you could eat while you drove." She was missing that special one who made it all worthwhile.

Then a tiger came to live with her, and she started enjoying life again, and at one point they got really close when they were drunk, but she got quite scratched up and they agreed to curb their physical desires to save the relationship.

* * * * *

...but her husband - missing for three years, presumed dead - he'd returned! It turned out he'd taken a wrong turn at Tesco roundabout!

The tiger answered the door. The two males locked eyes.

She appeared behind the tiger. "Rrr-r-r...Richard? Richard?!"

"Darling, what is this... a... a tiger?! Why is there a tiger in my house? Also, have you ever wondered why they don't make bigger post it notes?"

The tiger began to growl. "Growl." She grabbed the tiger by the collar. "Stop it! Stop it!"

It was no good, the tiger was struggling to break free, and she wouldn't be able to hold it for long.

"Maureen, why the hell is there a tiger here? Maureen! MAUREEN! Order this tiger to back down! Do tigers even growl anyway, I thought that more of a bear thing? Order this tiger to back down!"

Maureen exchanged glances with the tiger, and then her husband, in turn.

She let go.

"Maureeeeeen, nooooo! The tiger is biting my leg, argh! This really hurts! Argh, now it's got me cock! MAUUURRREEEEN! Maureen, what is it with pens, you put them in your pocket one way and they leak, the other and the flow dries up? Argh, now he's got my head inbetween his jaws and is slowly increasing the pressure placed upon't! ARRRRGH! Oooh, left a bit. Oooh, mmmm. Mmmm. Oh no, too hard, TOO HARD! ARRRGH! AAARRRRRGH!"

* * * * *

Later, at the dinner table, she put her fork down and thought about what she had done. Her tiger rubbed his head against her breast, reassuringly (and slightly sexually, he wanted some action after today's events). Feeling suitably reassured, she picked up her fork once again and tucked into her husband's leg.

...but it wasn't just any leg - it was her HUSBAND'S LEG!

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Timmo

Timmo

Posted
Posted

Also, some Richard and Judy fan fiction. When I grow up I want to be Richard and Judy.

Scene One - Restaurant

Judy: This place will do. I'm hungry.

Richard: Commence door opening!

Judy: Thanks for opening the door for me, Richard. I knew marrying you was a good idea.

Richard: Initiate smug algorithm!

Judy: Okay, now we're sitting down and the waiter is coming over, what do you want for your dinner Richard!!!!!

Richard: Bacon!

Richard Bacon enters, looks confused, then leaves.

Judy: Two bacons please, waiter!

Waiter: YES

Richard: Commence waiting! Waiting. waiting.. waiting... waiting complete!

Judy: Let's eat our dinner now oh no Richard you're got bacon all over your new shirt!

Richard: ERROR

Scene Two - Dressing Room, Channel Four Studios

Judy is dancing. She dances and dances. No music is playing. She dances erotically, and begins to rub her portly frame against Richard, sat down.

Richard: Mode select>Mode 4: Aroused; commence erection!

Judy: Richard!!!! Is that a mars bar in your pocket or your throbbing, pulsating penis?

Richard: Suggestive euphemism!

Judy: Oh, Richard!

They kiss.

Judy: Oh no Richard, only three minutes until we are on air!

Richard: Activate premature ejaculation!

Judy: My eyes!

The director enters the room. His head turns as he surveys the room, spying firstly the nude Judy, followed by Richard's now flaccid penis, moving onto the carefully set up "eroticsville" (a chair that Richard sits on during the dances). He turns his head back, and looks at Judy with a questioning look.

Judy: You turny headed prick!

Scene Three - At home.

Richard and Judy are in bed. Judy is reading.

Richard: Activate crotch.

Judy: Richard, no! I'm incredibly tired and in no mood for that. I've had a very tough day down the mines and I need a good night's rest. Okay, honey?

Richard: Redirecting flow of life-force to crotch area...

Judy: Richard!

Richard: Redirecting.

Judy: Richard, I said no!

Richard: Redirecting.. Redirecting...

Judy: Stop it at once!

Richard: Redirection complete.

Judy: Richard, you can't! That is just too much for a woman to take without preparing herself!

Richard: Initiate mounting sequence.

Judy: Argh, Richard, no! Get off me! Argh!

Richard: 10 - Thrust; 20 - Goto 10.

Judy screams

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Couk

Couk

Posted
Posted
Also, some Richard and Judy fan fiction. When I grow up I want to be Richard and Judy.

Scene One - Restaurant

Judy: This place will do. I'm hungry.

Richard: Commence door opening!

Judy: Thanks for opening the door for me, Richard. I knew marrying you was a good idea.

Richard: Initiate smug algorithm!

Judy: Okay, now we're sitting down and the waiter is coming over, what do you want for your dinner Richard!!!!!

Richard: Bacon!

Richard Bacon enters, looks confused, then leaves.

Judy: Two bacons please, waiter!

Waiter: YES

Richard: Commence waiting! Waiting. waiting.. waiting... waiting complete!

Judy: Let's eat our dinner now oh no Richard you're got bacon all over your new shirt!

Richard: ERROR

Scene Two - Dressing Room, Channel Four Studios

Judy is dancing. She dances and dances. No music is playing. She dances erotically, and begins to rub her portly frame against Richard, sat down.

Richard: Mode select>Mode 4: Aroused; commence erection!

Judy: Richard!!!! Is that a mars bar in your pocket or your throbbing, pulsating penis?

Richard: Suggestive euphemism!

Judy: Oh, Richard!

They kiss.

Judy: Oh no Richard, only three minutes until we are on air!

Richard: Activate premature ejaculation!

Judy: My eyes!

The director enters the room. His head turns as he surveys the room, spying firstly the nude Judy, followed by Richard's now flaccid penis, moving onto the carefully set up "eroticsville" (a chair that Richard sits on during the dances). He turns his head back, and looks at Judy with a questioning look.

Judy: You turny headed prick!

Scene Three - At home.

Richard and Judy are in bed. Judy is reading.

Richard: Activate crotch.

Judy: Richard, no! I'm incredibly tired and in no mood for that. I've had a very tough day down the mines and I need a good night's rest. Okay, honey?

Richard: Redirecting flow of life-force to crotch area...

Judy: Richard!

Richard: Redirecting.

Judy: Richard, I said no!

Richard: Redirecting.. Redirecting...

Judy: Stop it at once!

Richard: Redirection complete.

Judy: Richard, you can't! That is just too much for a woman to take without preparing herself!

Richard: Initiate mounting sequence.

Judy: Argh, Richard, no! Get off me! Argh!

Richard: 10 - Thrust; 20 - Goto 10.

Judy screams

These would be... awesome.. if flimed.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Ran

Ran

Posted
Posted

originally posted this in the illustration thread but this is an update with the finished 3d model so it seemed more appropriate here..

1402182293_4dcaf4275b_o.jpg

Its geared towards a certain spec (I work with mobile phones so it was made to their requirments as much as possible) so less than 250 polys to play with and a 256x256bmp texture. (I split this and the final body is only a 128x128 with a few facial expressions on the other 128x128).

Hoping to do a few animated mockups around a game design based on this character..

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zektbach

zektbach

Posted
Posted

Have been putting together a late birthday present for my girlfriend, as we have joint custody of a little toy octopus called Chris... I decided to make her a octopus based collage so she could have it for when she goes away to university :

DSC03683Large.jpg

Opinions please, as I don't really do things like this that often and would like some assurance that they are not completely crap :/

Tis still not finished yet, few little paper octopii to go here and there...

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koam

koam

Posted
Posted
Manah, your work is amazing! Is the purple one cardboard? The blue and red ones look like bits of furniture or something.

danke :unsure:

yes the purple one is made from corrugated cardboard i liberated from skips and the others are on the sides of a chest of drawers with i found in alley!

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