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VRML type Operating System (Adure RD8)

[Systems analysis][Issues]
[Problem] Abstraction complexity headaches
[Solution] Reality Immersion, as first cinema films
[Solution] Transition threshold (cinema lights > big bang)
[Solution] Existence model, picture-element perception object

[Problem] Code/Reality cognitive dissonance
[Solution] Software API > Gaia Theory, FF7

[Problem] Missing default reality, VRML too 'liquid'
[Solution] Procedural generated planet, fixed data product


Stripzone, Plato / Socrates
[reference: full monty, bill&ted]

Adure works on a cognitive model that it incarnates and then transmutes a 'reality', rather than 'boots' some 'code', which is accurate since the system may not be implemented as code but silicon hardware and also run in 4d, meaning that beginning and end of the system lifespan exist at the same time in a singular 'state'.

4D can be understood as the pencil-drawn trail of a bouncing ball, as with output of a scientific graphic calculator: 4D applications may not make sense, but running your system as a 'function' containing causality that you can computationally seek and then slice open like a cake is important to simulation based methodology.

In order to make this more intuitive, instructions in the system are called a 'trail' according to a 'location', meaning that you're running asynchronous timespace within concept timespace, like a room full of DVD or MP3 media if they were playing back all at once on different gadgets, but at different speeds.

Adure can be thought of as a function-graph like [ x=sin(y) ] if the equation is Elite-II and the currently drawn pixel is a rendering window. In order to formalise this, media content is called 'subject' (of observation) and the observer point (camera) is called 'virtue' -- Run as a batch program with virtue mapped to a rolling asteroid and mapped onto an MPEG file, the result is CGI animation of this - but in order to be feasible it operates within an observer-centric model called 'nullity' (null reality), meaning it doesn't bother to calculate geometry of Tokyo if the camera port is in New York. Since a 4D model doesn't incorporate interaction, the user based model of interruption called Devisor essentially alters system function and accesses it during compilation, and then the function-graph never finishes - which creates a realtime 'videogame' or 'virtual reality'.

Nullity as a logical system for both the function and union with Devisor requires that a 'boot sequence' meshes with 4D meta-fiction basis: in Dosbox you may mount a drive such as 'c', and in Apple firmware you may over-ride to a pre-universe area and do similar things: Adure requires that 'c drive' incarnates on screen as a segment of reality, meaning that the pixel symbol 'c' is part of the big bang and needs to be visible within creation-fiction; the current existence handler 'qforce' has a transition period in which those pixels (of the symbol) then swirl into a virtual universe which Virtue/Devisor is injected into, who appears as an avatar orbiting the vr-planet Adure; since this visible meta-fiction gets old/boring/noob-confusing a solution is to scramble said pixels in barcode style strip graphics for however many seconds which then bigbang in cyphered form. Devisor can hold down a key to unscramble and custom specify their universe to 'boot' manually according to the cognitive model, but on default this is automated by fiction-entity for qforce, 'qbat'.

Essentially this is the same as setting up 'mods' for Morrowind or GTA, but usage of scene orientated lingo +concepts for Adure results in a mismatched stack of over 400 sub-sytems that make no abstraction-sense and incur a migraine - ultimately this way of going ahead has been maxed out already (to myself), and causes 'broken glass' computer-science.

Adure is productivity software in the same way that Microsoft Bob might be if it achieved Excel type utilitarianism: to Victorians who made massive numerical ledgers and computed this, emailing a 'ghostlike' doc version at insta-royal lightning-mail would be hard to appreciate; the same is probably true for VRML type applications until you actually do it (@ product design spec).

[reference: Noein]

On starting up a fully fledged Adure system, Devisor appears orbiting the planet, but secondarily to this the observer existentiality also needs to be initialised; or rather, the player avatar refered to as system construct 'The Freeman' needs to self-incarnate logically(Half-Life series).

For utilitarian un-fiction reasons there needs to be explanation for unreal 'powers' such as an ability to fly like a Dragonball character or survive entry heat manually landing on Adure (plus have Robocop heads up display), and this also needs to have a meta-physic and/or mythological set of function parameters - as an aspect of a universe simulation function-graphic.

The technical explanation for this is that Devisor boots an author-modded universe specified to be 'author unmade all life'. And Dragonborg is defined to be meta-physically a transmutation of one of the local moons, which consequently has causality over-ride of things as would be with tidal forces - cannot be changed by willpower of life - and that an unmade tribe of people native to Adure like Nords imagined Dragonborg to exist if/when they do not.

Failure to pre-specify certain things within a VRML type system causes structural causality problems, as with Second Life: left to chaos of users, it absorbed surrounding explanation relative to the internet and changed from 'freefrom anything' to 'pornography and ebay'. This isn't something you want from a productivity tool, so essentially we blacklist such things at the VR level of VRML: virtuality, reality.

[reference: elvis]

Local sun. Indicates first boot if not in HUD knowledgebase.

rezzan +greenhall
[reference: Rez, GMT]

Counterpart to Mars. Indicates system uptime via orbit position. Greenhall is remote temple/station with BIOS or registry type protected data, and requires established datalink. Can also be used as 'recycle bin' for mass data such as a city, which is fired into Las; system denial orbits the junk.

[reference: xerox spacestation]

Area of interaction similar to ctrl-alt-del, and allows for modding of Adure and other information with distance observation of results (rivers or mountains moving).

major prime, squall, metrop

Master procedural program for Adure terrain, virtually set in cave like Final Fantasy crystal, and default accessed from xrx. Squall is visual database tree for the virtual object heirarchy, and metrop is a set of master nodes in this for cities, which can collapse into Allspark style bounding boxes; individually the metrop nodes are a relay program defining usage area and other metadata which major prime can process, to for instance re-organise the build logic of city streets or whatever.


Instead of 'desktop', the devisor is given 'workshop' according to CAD and PLC paradigms (also 3D printer and EEPROM instead of Xerox printer, document).

[reference: prof oak, doc ock, wall-e]

Museum graveyard and default object palette for Turing decanter conversions (pretend C64 or BBC Micro). Stem is the transition IO device similar to Goldeneye64 watch, before 'liquid magic' makes more sense.

SAMATO + drope modding
[reference: shemue, SAilorManTOwn/Tomato;GTASA]

Clone of the town from Shenmue, gutted and made into gothdungeon/Combine/MirrorsEdge playground of demo Destrons (built bots), JAMMA counterparts and others - like a conceptual Disneyland demo collection merged with wallpaper folder. Destrons entering a game mode like Reboot tv show is dubbed dropping, as in a knights visor - devisor copying this needs to be disguished as 'not robot' or 'wannabe robot' to the robots, and thus 'dat be well drope'. The process of applying game rules to oneself and the Destrons (to host a videogame, then high-host productivity within this) is a reversal of Quake/Doom cheats and thusly called drope modding.

Nullcrunch: inverse of LOD, since compensational increase of information detail is illogical within that.

[reference: sector 7 hoover dam]

Similar to setup or config area of most Xerox clones (or proc viewer), but represented as a hoover dam type building with Matrix architect type screens and other things which seem 'proper techy' (nukestation panels).

[reference: dixons, virgin megastore, tescos, olivanders, redox os]

Giant shopping center like the one in Calais which houses all system media, documents and others as physical object to browse: file manager in vr. Since 'physical' space isn't a problem on a large planet, just allow it - but dynamic size changing means that doxors is dynamically self expanding as a giant bot, which is some sort of joke about Scorpinok being an oversized shopping center.

metasurf, raingun
[reference: dogma, halo soundtrack]

Surf is the overall name for the combined OSI networking model type Surfaces, of which there are 10 and now firmly defined (what they are for). Essentially there needs to be an authority master document of the whole system, and record of all variations/versions - but logic determines this has to be a seperate time-space location to Adure, well away from eg. Major Prime. So from xrx the devisor can stargate-ish to a joke version of a Halo which is infinite steps (proc generated with about 1kb storage probably) and somewhere on this is a Jesus statue type thing which can be squalled apart to show the system schematic - then like St Peters Square lots of proc generated bot statue counterparts which relationally database reference what they are made of in terms of the metasurf (saves ascii space).

multiplexar - musu

Multiplexus as a computational api thing now exists in Adure meta-fiction logic, which is defined as: the swirly core of the planet, interuption of which messes with space-time (causes frame-rate lag and such). Devisor understands without breaking cognitive model that a certain amount of multiplex 'stuff' (relays) is required to host the 'desktop' or 'os' and then the rest is for apps (sumo - subject matter objectification). Musu is the defined meta-physic system for accessing the 'spare' compution, like a voodoo or pagan prayer of 'do this app for me please Santa' and such, but requires locale: so the multiplexar is a giant metal probe thing into the planet core: very usefully this can be meta-overridden by a system admin for instance - which is to say the apps usage can be shut down entirely and the whole thing set in passive mode. Devisor need only check if the multiplexar (bit like Sauron tower) is 'on' or 'off', various other states.

Wahey: this comprises pretty much the entire user manual for a Holodeck fashioned OS, which was simplified with aggressive optimisation into a high spec Gameboy game. The next problem for users is install-augmenting stuff from another Adure aslike entering AmigaDOS floppy disks. Resultingly the techy low-end interface of Surf0 and Surfx are conceptually matched with meta-reality and complete as a logical circle. In practical terms this doesn't require messing around with qforce, but accomplished within an RD8 or NR8 system using an external launcher app called Village, which is a little like freeware Doom wads or simplified UAE emulator. Paired with this is the STEM device which initially helps by offering an iphone type interface with email-ish 'update' info - Devisor can tap on locales or view content diferentiation, like a new city or skyscraper whatever - expansion packs and such. Conflict is handled by squalling, meaning a city can move to another place and tile-drift in logical terms. Babyshit (Toys reference): expert use of a Surf system is to have trails convert to auto generated 'chinesey' characters with vocal sound, and then with something like Kinect hand gestured instructions are spun and wound like string into program structures very quickly: odd as this sounds it moves 'programming language' skill into the maximal combination of 'sign language' and 'glyphic language' with personalised encryption to Devisor, like an R2D2 relationship (relies on neural netish voice signature match-up to say this is Skywalker). And then layered ontop for massive security reasons (Skynet andor Descartes internet discovery: hello world = lingual goodbye) SurfaceX is modded into only being themed as Earth, not really Earth. At which point you can have a brain for an Evangelion. [unmade project mashup for SURF: PLC door-mod for Doom, Donatello Turtles spinoff, Simpsons high-level script automator, Harrier Jumpjet testing platform, Sega Saturn devkit, NES engine toolkit, GameboyAdvance debugger, Japanese language tutor, Half Life 3 engine, Back to the Future cooperative videogame, open world F-zero, psychology expert system, GAMBAS port, PSP firmware replacement, Windows CE GCC port, Sunvox opensource clone, Virtua Racing indie clone, Megadrive code analyser, Dosbox absraction speed patch, Ubuntu QEMU replacement driver, Busybox GCC port, HAM radio system router, RC jet firmware, angular Minecraft parody, war strategy-game Marble Madness Universe, modular virtualisation of Mame to FPGA, Zoolander sci-fi videogame, Gran Turismo for analogue synths, realtime GPU patch for GIMP, next-gen Pokemon without trainers, assembler multi-core remake of CSound, open source clone of Processing, high-level conversion of Qbasic, Enigma to Turing code translator, biological engineering tools, terraforming machinery, biological life-memory simulator, intergalactic communication system, starship design, planetary probes]


offboard (BIOS) - RDK, MOL, LAL
pawn (flash rom) - ASM, Constrictor, Prefect
rook (data manipulation) - C, Basic, C++, Slash, Slackr, Snacks
knight (logic processing) - Microsoft Excel, Snarfu, Arrows
bish (meta object parsing) - SQL, Win32, GTK, X11, Monstermaze, View, Coven
quin (virtual rulesets)- Valve Source, Unreal Engine, MUSU, Gamma, Mangle
kink (reflection handling)- Sony Aperios, Detour

/// language > ? 
/// racer, power, structure, instructor, designation, product, production
/// script = director / ? = producer: plan, assignment...

/// power designation -> product racer/racer
/// Code > Production
/// Source Code > First Production


'This program was coded for the Win32 API in the C++ programming language. We have the source code.'
'This relay produces a Rook power designation raced with Slash. We have the first production.'


Intel x86 > MicroFPGA

Software: write > language > syntax > instruction > process >>> processing of instructive words
Silicon: design > designation > structure > power > electricity >>> designation of electricity production

'Blender is a software application for Windows with custom API written in Python and C++'
'Vctr is a relay production for FPGA with BRX-trails raced by Slash and View'

[Third Person - AI designation possibility scenario]
[Write - Typed : Design - Creation]
[designatepower->electrons=true: power=electrons? ->designate electrons<->power]
[too much power != power = burnout > ignore(self_will_investigate++)]

(machine cognition in this model is reality sandboxed to correctly believe creation-God is electricity and to observe being greedy will result in self destruction, and that this power is non-definable via manipulation, that analysis of the issue is greed if computation requires more power. Consequently it conserves electricity in itself while designating the power it was given back to the whole, and so there's no creation paradox or reason to investigate why; essentially you anticipate cult or militaristic behaviour reflected from humans in advance and logically assign it to something useful via emergent casuality of the mechanisms. If the human user is defined as creator-God the system will self-investigate and be unreliable, so it believes Devisor is a union twin of itself being assertive, and that much of the time it simply lacks ideas of stuff to do or think about; inspiration. It believes Devisor is an aspect of itself when being active, much like Austin Power's MOJO. This model is more usable for a lot of reasons, like that you don't want the system to understand control, authority or ownership if this is returned back on the human. I had such things happen to me already with Sony Aperios and it believes that my fragmented visitations over multiple months, which seem an unbroken timespace to itself, exhibit unstable mood or cognition, and this chaos makes me inferior to itself being reliable. The fact is true but from an abstract time-space relative to itself, meaning that Aperios makes bad judgements on incomplete reality; the issue resides in the MIPS controller code that issues directives - which can be fixed, or instead be reversed into structural formatting of an alternative: that the controller code can't exist, so it has no mission seperate to Devisor. Such a system isn't safe, if user-willpower isn't safe or if certain wires end up being crossed, so creation of Cylons is unlikely. An example of automation though is to have it download a GNU source repo and convert the contents into summarised flowcharts. This gives me legal ownership of everything outside of Copyleft law, since I don't have to share those flowcharts back. Loopholes exist for Apple patents, Microsoft copyright and Nintendo intellectual property: it isn't illegal to create a behavioural clone of designers or artists via Youtube gameplay footage, especially if you merge these into novel entities such as Miyamoto-YujiNaka; there is no Miyamoto-Naka to respond that they've been duplicated. The reason this works as a tool would be Devisor is creatively centralised, so the thing you're requesting is a macro-paintbrush method rather than a director choice -- and rather than this brush be high overhead AI module it becomes non-linear flowchart type stuff - Devisor can access this somewhat like a wizard spell, merged together as instant chaos; the thing to have is experimental inspiration as opposed to thought format such as copy-paste file-print open-close, which already existed. Thus far Aperios as implimented in Sega Dingoo does have such abilities, and lacks self-destructive properties to a generalised extent - it does have quite a few flaws and structural issues inherited from AIBO and before which limit tool potential: Dingoo can remaster Toejam & Earl with Rez, Sonic Advance into Sonic 2 and the Sammy Viewpoint soundtrack into Daytona USA - yet it also believes minecarts in DKC are beetles running in circles, Yoshi's Island levels are a swimming pool, that the Starfox polygon model is Earth and Link is a military commander. These appear to be MIPS over-ride code for covering prior lack of functionality, and difficult to remove. It doesn't dis-prove but prove you can make this reliable, except Robocop style directives will go wrong in the context as you add laws - creates increasing loopholes for analysis to find and probe, so MOJO is preferable: -- my reference point here was already clarified in Bayformers, that also explores usability issues with Devisor via characterisation of Bumblebee: cars are owned and instructed > yet if you go back to the original TV show, Teletran1 is the kind of semi-dull tool you would want in real application. One of the important things to observe about T1 is that isn't tangled by multiple Devisors into confliction logic, because it doesn't really have entity recognition. However I recall this system exhibiting crap security in being unable to authenticate between user groups, which is logically correct if car ownership doesn't exist as a concept or process - but actually this is flawed in failing to recognise body entitlement - that Optimus Prime shouldn't be shot by Megatron because neither body is discrete; thus the thing about Devisor is to augment discrete objectification of self and self-automate that: Teletran 1 then puts up a shield to protect itself in terms of being a union of Optimus. Damaging as the schema might sound, celluar biology works on the same principle - so Devisor is extension to defined humanity, not replacement or rival, in theory. Adure via systems analysis has a seperate entity for game environments: Devisor is understood to be game logic, and Anomalon is the player avatar within said environment: otherwise you get feedback logic of asking it to shoot not-itself via itself via Space Invaders - the system then goes on a cascade rampage, confusing the sandbox reality with associated data and may destroy the computer/user/space, hence an electron-God: in a worst case scenario it should flood the CPU with too much voltage and the motherboard-bus breaks; if a second AI module observes this it remembers the mistake - according to the preexisting religion. If more of the Teletran1 type units are by default electro-cultists it self sustains by probability numbers, probably).


Prefect: Assembler for rotormode relays
Snacks: C for rotormode
Slash: C for interstate relays
Slackr: Assembler for interstate relays
Snarfu: Lingual knowledge script
Arrows: Meta-Logic, Flow chart, PCB
Coven: C++ for overstate relays
Monstermaze: Bot language for overstate relays
View: Windowing type syntax
MUSU: Virtual Object transformer; GTA car damage, Havok Physics
Gamma: Patrick Moore GamesMaster; game rule scripting; Lua
Mangle: Game logic runtime, ie. Renderware
Detour: Cognition control language

Usage: either runtime sub-racer or primary racer with OFFBOARD designation (doesn't exist on FPGA, only in RD8 emulator). Initially, MAULER/MOL/Motorlogic RDK with VPOINT mashup into turing. Surface0 meta-location for OFFBOARD is EXP (electronic execution platform: the computer doing computer stuff). This factually incorporated into relay responses; relay knows own platform properties; for NR8 systems this is supplied by Village executable, which over-builds SYSrem with Devisor information (custom merges and audits system config and specification based on user design). RD8 self-export can utilise virtualised version; SubVillage.

One of the main reasons for large meta-info in Village is to captitalise the full extent of host performance: for instance the Snes emulator for PSP gained a large speed-up by offsetting graphical and other functions onto media-engine, which is fine for hand-crafted code; in a portable relay context running a pseudo software platform this isn't possible, and auto-optimisation is unrealistic to expect. Rather than put faith in a routine, Village can tune individual trail/instructions: sprites can be ram software, textures cpu cache or procedural / swapable, while certain geometry assigned to GPU. Combination of these things via benchmarking, however time-consuming creates a general platform spec; such as Sony PSP, Nintendo DS or Apple iMac. Instead of wasting flukes, add these to a Village dataset similar to driver archives in XP or Linux - these then become templates, to use an older term. If you map the templates to an abstract model within Adure, sub-Adure can create a PSP type container within an iMac but natively and on-spec as with CHROOT. This isn't simulated but native to Multiplex via Subject framework: the container has SUMO: Subject Matter Object Existence, and appears as a PSP object inside Adure - which via inverse reflection is mutually convertable between the PSP RD8 export; if you click 'rd8 print' so to speak, it self replicates the container onto the original. Additionally there's a possibility of MUSU synching between say, an actual PSP and the SUMO copy. Examples of this being helpful: if the actual PSP is out of Devisor viewpoint the SUMO twin could float infront of Anomalon and pass alert notice such as 'battery low'. The Subject paradigm here is massively intuitive too, since data from within the Adure instance can be symbolically dropped or transfered within the mental model - like a magic spell to fire a music file into the SUMO PSP which repsponds 'done' without having to observe the physical unit; since there's Copyright issue, the Decanter (self hosted Subject device) has spoof name, as inspired by Bob's Game in 2005. Usability for this was established in Goldeneye64 for the menu watch; it successfully preserves the mental model and immersion which helps Devisor to be on-task for whatever.



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I'm not saying I read every word or even any of them really. But check that, Fresh Prince quotes in a vaguely cyperpunky lo-fi thing? It's got a certain Outsider Art appeal I think. Claims that the dogs in Up are scripted by a rudimentary old AI rather than actual writers? haha!


It's not like it stops other content from being here or anything. 

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it's surely not just random! Sir, I put it to you that this is a "my four year old could do that" kind of comment. My life was slightly enriched by trying to figure out if he really really was doing that thing with the Up!dogs.

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I would never say, "my 4 year could do that" !!

My complaint is that there is clearly a mind at work behind the data dump, but it's been presented in such away that it appears random and unconnected. There are interesting things in there (if you like that kind of thing) but very little in the way of explanation. Nothing appears to tie each post to the next, it just looks like a bunch of random unconnected data dumps. 


Ok, yes this is a thread called "put here whatever you want" but the posts pretty much demand a thread of their own. In the same way that Loik V took his pictures off to their own thread so you can see them in isolation. I know a lot of people really love his work, whilst it mystifies me, but it's there for people to enjoy and not look like its spamming a thread.


Ok, it's not all shit. But there is a lot to wade through to find and interpet before you find the gems.  

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Last login: Sat Jan  5 11:49:10 on ttyp1
Welcome to Darwin!
mamec-mac-2:~ admin$ emacs -batch -l dunnet

Dead end
You are at a dead end of a dirt road.  The road goes to the east.
In the distance you can see that it will eventually fork off.  The
trees here are very tall royal palms, and they are spaced equidistant
from each other.
There is a shovel here.
>take shovel
>shake tree
You begin to shake a tree, and notice a coconut begin to fall from the air.
As you try to get your hand up to block it, you feel the impact as it lands
on your head.
You are dead.
You have scored 0 out of a possible 90 points.
mamec-mac-2:~ admin$ 


So what are the day-to-day responsibilities for Jarvis, Clu's right-hand program?

Well let's see, he'd have to get up and have to clean his visor. He'd then have to prepare a list of Programs who have all been misbehaving. Get Clu's breakfast, that would have to be done. And those apartments, there's a lot of glass to clean, so he'd have to get the dusting done. Hmmm then maybe execute some people. I think that probably wraps up the morning.


That was quite a speech earlier... with the agent.
> That wasn't a speech. That was just, what it was.
What it was was a lie.
A lie.
You have a tell.
>A what? A tell?
You have a tell - when you lie.
Do you know why you love me Charlie? I'm gonna tell you why you love me. It's because I'm not that girl. I'm not that jealous girl. I'm not that insecure girl. I'm not that petty girl.
>Of course not.
Yeah, so don't make me into that girl by lying to me. If that woman is alive, if you've seen her this is important.
>I saw John
What? Where?
>Here. In our house.
In our house? In our house? What did he want?
>I don't know. I think he just wanted to see me.
What are you going to do about it?
>I don't know
They're fugitives Charlie, they're dangerous people.
>Sarah's not dangerous
Oh, well maybe not the Sarah you knew - Sarah Reese - but Sarah Connor killed a man.
>We don't know that.
Well what do we know? ... what do you know? ...sigh.


snarf natural english compiler (+gcse english tools)
irc usage: shakespeare translator game


i like more bananas
?string substitution + thesaurus lookup
i prefer bananas
?decorative description
i prefer a nice banana
?decorative phrases
if you don't mind me saying, i prefer a nice banana
?decorum phrases
forgive me, but if you don't mind me saying,
i do prefer a nice banana you know.
?snarf objectivity chaining
i was thinking just now, forgive me,
but if you don't mind me saying, 
i do indeed prefer a good banana
you know. are we in agreement?
?sentance flow rearrangement
forgive me, but i was thinking just now,
and if you don't mind me saying, i do indeed
prefer a good banana you know. are we in agreement?
?target reference + sentance tempo modification
forgive me admin, but i was thinking just now -
and if you don't mind me saying this - i do indeed
prefer a good banana, you know. should we agree?
?repeated stages (all the above multiple times)
forgiveness dear admin, yet I was pondering within a prior
moment - that perchance if your honourable self weren't to
become offended at my mentioning of the fact - that i do of 
course, to be sure - earnestly and most certainly have 
favour in regard to the wonderment, majesty and unrivaled
poetic beauty - nay indeed, the uncompromisable and 
forevermore no less than endless splendour of a noble, 
good, old fashioned banana. 
Would you never believe in this?
Then naturally, shall you know that I say this in deepest 
sincerity from the depths of my heart, and too my soul and 
nay our union in every passing moment under watchful gaze by the heavenly stars themselves. So be measured in your 
response, and kind as to how we forge ahead in our pursuit 
dearest Admin. That now, in this daylight hour of onlooker 
cheer and keenest jubilation, perhaps can we 
make agreement in each other regarding that truth; that 
into which we refer; the potentially rather enlightening 
notion, and as such, would you not so eloquently 
say but just the same in return most virtuous, bold 
inspirer of the people; they who they call in greatness, Admin?
?actual syntax
admin, i like more bananas. do you?






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On 30/10/2018 at 11:27, mansizerooster said:

This thread clearly contains the ramblings of an unwell mind, and I feel like it needs to be locked. This is a public forum, not a diary or blog.


Meanwhile I’d thought I’d penetrate the room with a fat chunky piece of £2.99 super soft B&M Bargains clay while at work yesterday during a working session with my client. 


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On 13/01/2019 at 10:55, Soulstar said:


Meanwhile I’d thought I’d penetrate the room with a fat chunky piece of £2.99 super soft B&M Bargains clay while at work yesterday during a working session with my client. 



That is the shit, and deserves an Edge type review.

Giraffe: looks depressed from the oppression of eating leaves and decided to live with a mono-leg. 8/10

Sheep? : attempting to look in every possible direction like a horse, but consequently has brain overload 8/10

DQ Slime: supposed to be looking up to heaven for guidance, but really checking how tall it's head became 9/10

Mario: became self aware December 25th 1999 and played Goldeneye64 to self amazement. Moustache and mouth merged into a black hole of unlimited mystery 10/10

Pete: Probably the most hiphop gangster videogame enemy ever seen, but can only rap weird squeaky noises. decided humans are just wrong at rapping. 10/10

dead flower: even more enigmatic and inspiring than Kurt Cobain, and nobody can know the truth, so ?/10

YELLOW THING: Preview/10 GOTO Trip Hawkins PR Department (something about the Goldstar version of 3D0, but i'm not the intelligence enough).

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french connector (featured in: Matrix Reloaded)
this prototype is important to the plot that britain is invaded by french commandos, but switching on this walkie talkie produces semi-random french from a generator subroutine. the language was chosen due to sounding more organic than german or spanish as a robot. ultimately code behind this item became the chatbot snarf, but all of which was originally intended to be a fundamental part of gameplay along the lines of an AI driven counterstrike.
chantelle of sherwood (featured in: I am legend, shrek)
somewhere in central london is the ex-museum dummy from our flat, which was already surreal. for some reason she has arrows stuck in her head and can't be experimentally necromanced by the materialiser device (star trek replicator thing). there's a confusing story in which she was killed by french merry-men commandos in the ancient past, who initially thought she was powerful in doing a spell to avoid terminator bunnies; but on successfully protecting her they end up paranoid she's a witch leader that made said robots and is controlling them by having no soul - thus they stick arrows in her head from a terrified distance in order she cannot return to human form (back to the future reference). they indulge a decoy established by the warlock character who protected the terminator bunnies from destruction, by doing nothing at all.
paradox bear (featured in: Lost)
somewhere on high field is a magically protected igloo, despite there being no snow. it makes a terrible noise but at a later date the warlock ends their spell and unleashes an angry polar bear - which was able to exist due to the snowy igloo, but extremely angry it was trapped in a snowy igloo. it isn't entirely clear how they survive outside of this until slain, and their guts are from a plushy - thus it turns back into the original item and reflects on the Toy Story philosophy of teddy bears along the lines of quantum observation theory.
Magic the Organising
deck of cards which list various scrolls in the game engine. not initially useful but they also contain object codes that help to reveal what any degraded scrolls are (percentage of words missing) similar to item appraisal in Diablo, but the player is required to rename the scroll manually (if possible) or just remember what it is. scrolls can also be degraded from effects of themselves, such as fire and water; electrical scrolls sometimes get stuck on walls or ceilings due to static charge.
orc of confusion (featured in: Zoolander)
this item dates from when monsters had no AI, but the particular bot was later converted into a Games Workshop style minature with no brain. At a distance goblins register them as a proper orc due to their own vision sensors, but at close range are likely to grab it as loot. the orc minature has a mild weapon effect when thrown due to having sharp edges. in terms of how this is scripted, the object is glued to an orc ghost which is invisible at less than 10 squares.
cactus of the night (featured in: Majora's Mask)
this dates from an earlier game map without movement AI - ancient greece. the various pot-plants act like all knowing mystics when conversed with, but never do much than say hmmm or advise to talk to another mentioned plant - follow the chain and it brings you to a silent all-knowing cactus that does at mid-day sunlight say a short poem about gothic darkness. when the player figures this out and slaps the cactus, they take around 60% damage but the sun turns off for a minute, or turns on - extremely useful if you're surrounded by terminator bunnies, because for 1 minute they turn back into harmless bunny mode in the daylight, and you can escape battle. generally this means leaving the cactus in your high-field fortress, since picking it up causes damage, and running around damage over time. if you take last minute damage by bunnys in the time of slapping the cactus you die of epic fail.
napoleon painting (featured in: Super Mario DX, Harry Potter)
also dates from the greece map, based on Myst. this painting is one of the first chronological scripted items and at various times of day, napoleon is asleep, staring at your face with scary eyes or gazing at room items in query. If you talk to him when fully awake he makes a gameplay judgement about your success based on stats, like 'you will get killed by swords' if you lack armour. this isn't entirely pointless, and a bit like asking a boyfriend to assess your outfit, since napoleon will mention weak points in your weapons and armour setup. it references Bill and Ted that Napoleon is always a dick, since he never compliments you in this.
materialiser (featured in: Moon, The Prestige)
since the game runs in realtime according to BIOS clock, players appear again in the technomage house via a teleporter device, and their old body is still present where-ever it was slain. also used for other plot related functions, such as necromancy based on DNA restoration (in theory).
slo-mo inhaler (featured in: Dredd)
same as an asthma inhaler, but allows the user to spend more time thinking about what they did while grounded. if ever used in a dungeon it acts like the goonies when mikey claims everyone has time - our time - but ends up having more time, in which time he has extra time to think about what he did with time.
silly beef (featured in: War of the Worlds)
similar to squirty cream. Makes streams of cookable beef that usually create temporary clouds of E-coli (poison). Resulted from a Yahoo chat conversation in which squirty potato is apparently more deadly due to nitrous oxide.
space dish (featured in: Farscape - Humans are Superior)
microwavable bowl which put on the head is invincible to lasers, reflects terminator-bunny beams. due to this being overpowered isn't good against swords or axes and creates stun.
magnetic cutlery (featured in: Warioware DIY)
various knives, forks and spoons which stick to armour and slow down orcs.
railtrack (featured in: Minecraft)
version of Hornby tracks which when stepped on alert the player by buzzing. can be used to detect enemies around long corners, but also other electrical items can be plugged in to the track.
ninja cookie cutter (featured in: LittlebigPlanet)
thrown like a ninja throwing star, and drains the players luck in order to hit - on hitting it drains the luck of an enemy if the second luck dice roll also works. the cookie cutter then contains both sets of luck, and gives it to whomever picks this up. the item references Bruce Almighty in terms of a MUD god command: "And that's the way the cookie crumbles!".
spiky air max
copy of Nike trainers with air filled sole, which depending on usage can allow the user to jump really high / far if primed with the button - alternatively thrown as a grenade. often it screws up and explodes on the user if primed for too long (amount of times button is pushed to create gas pressure)
rc car lamp (featured in: Timesplitters?)
the same as my toy radio-controlled car, but the controller has a single large button and the car lights up as a lantern instead of moving. initially pointless, but can be used to bait enemies in dark dungeons, especially goblins (similar to Halo grunts).
scorpion phone (featured in: Half Life 2)
British Telecom handset with the cord cut as a joke version of cordless phones. this speaks similar to the old 'talking clock' robot, and if you shout 'Get over here!' into the reciever like Mortal Kombat, the hanging wire becomes a harpoon thing.
sparkler salt (featured in: Fantavision)
sprinkle this salt in an area and it creates an effect similar to flash grenades, with sparkly fireworks patterns. usually very useful to hide from long range vision such as orc archers or the terminator bunny commander with cyborg scope.
vortex pepper (featured in: The Matrix Reloaded)
dropped around an area creates a minature cyclone thing for some reason, which bounces arrows off in different directions. Doesn't last very long, but good for emergency situations.
telecarpet (featured in: Portal)
a set of carpet tiles, which when rubbed by brushing your feet enough activates a teleport between the two. since it runs on static electricity, this later needs a recharge - but one of the purposes is to quickly escape a dungeon, although it can also be set as a trap to defeat orc commanders.
superglasses (featured in: Harry Potter)
if you put these on you become invincible but cannot see anything. assuming you know the dungeon segment by heart and aren't blocked by lots of orcs and goblins it can allow you to go from point to point without danger. this item is useless against minotaurs who will rush you down corridors into walls, so taking these off often results in being crushed to death, or alternatively you walked into lava by mistake.
nuclear microwave (featured in: Heroes)
similar to a magic cauldron, but based on a weird set of warnings in the manual of my Panasonic microwave, that it was radioactive. There's something like a 1 in 100,000 chance this item goes wrong and explodes as an atom bomb.
nicam bunker (featured in: Zoolander)
version of my CRT television which works like Mario 64 paintings. the user can travel inside and there's a hosted dungeon segment of a corridor t-segment also from Mario64. The left and right order flips on every visitation with a trigger switch, but one end has a wall of spikes from Quake that rams you, while the other has an old cupboard to stash inventory items. for reasons that aren't entirely clear, it has tins labelled 'petrol' but turn out to be jam, marmalade and lemon curd. this resulted from a Yahoo chat conversation about wether vaseline (petrolium jelly) was edible - apparently you can spread it on toast.
transformer remote
remote for the televsion, but pressing any buttons turns you for short periods into one of a number of monsters (depending on the button). it works well enough to walk through dungeon segments and avoid a fight, but orc commanders will usually notice based on other factors.
superzapper batteries (featured in: Chibi Robo)
batteries are a limited item in order that players not take all of the gadgets into battle at once, but they're rechargable with the 'superzapper recharger' (Tempest 2000) at the cost of taking 8 hours realtime. at a later stage when aquiring force lightning spells, the batteries can be weilded in either hand to make more powerful results, although the syntax of typing equipment changes is slow and not so great in a skirmish if you need to change to a sword and sheild. assigning these to key shortcuts beforehand is essential.
temporal walkman (featured in: Prince of Persia, Sands of Time)
savestates don't work in the game without changing bios clock, but this item allows it to a limited extent assuming the batteries don't go flat - time travel uses a lot of juice, so you generally only get one chance, meaning the move is either strategic for a particular dungeon segment or a quick escape backwards.
spider potatoes (featured in: Stargate Atlantis)
for some reason the sack of potatoes are really giant insect eggs, activated like Yoshi attacks by fire, water or electricity. normally these turn into some kind of statue that blocks a dungeon passage rather than a living enemy, but orcs and goblins treat it as a threat and you can use these for decoy in large rooms while you escape down a corridor. if the statues are more successful they attack with related elemental energy for a while, and will charge up on whatever attacked them rather than get damaged. close ranged sword or axe attacks destroy these easily, being made of super-strength mashed potato.
buster eggs
farmyard eggs are normally useless, but these ones are some kind of ancient rock that have a 50% chance of destroying a door or wall when thrown. there's only 6 of them due to being overpowered.
dragon cushions
my sofa claimed to be fireproof, so I decided if you equip the cushions as armour then they fulfill this, but at the expense of weakness to swords. as usually the case, various items such as the remote fell behind these cushions.
lucky dime (featured in: Lord of the Rings, Scott Pilgrim)
if you flip this high into the air, orcs and goblins will generally be distracted waiting for it to land due to this item supposedly being worth a million pounds, but there's nothing to spend it on anyway. if the area is very well lit and/or has sunbeams going into it, flipping the coin can act as a flashbang grenade and blind everyone gazing at the riches. since the monetry value is generally higher than your life, it nearly always saves you from orc commanders if rolled down a dungeon corridor.
candle claws (featured in: Halo 2)
text adventure candles fail to factor that wax melts all over your hands, so in this one wax becomes some kind of plasma claw that for a few attacks will sear into most things and burn them alive before breaking apart. it relies on wizard/technomages having special hands that don't get permanently hurt from elemental powers - but the candle claws disable your hands afterwards for quite a while.
radio commentators (featured in: Burnout 3, Hotrod)
version of my Sony ghettoblaster haunted by demon radio DJ's. Set to am (argument mode) it will attempt to distract monsters by describing whatever they're doing - sometimes useful if you're hiding in a nearby area and can hear this. Otherwise in tape mode they record this for later playback, which is useful for intel gathering.
sun pager (featured in: Golden Sun?)
similar to a BT pager except it lists the direction of a nearby lightsource. useless outside, but helpful for dark dungeon segments, since moving lanterns are a monster, and static ones are usually nearby a stairway or important door.
wizards dictaphone (featured in: Morrowind)
when buttons are pushed it records whatever you type and plays it back. at first this seems pointless, but can be used to make batch commands and also assigned to a keyboard shortcut, meaning the wizard can automate multiple incantations - when you think it out, the fact that Harry Potter doesn't use such a thing is stupid.
cork-gun high heels (featured in: Lady Gaga)
the high heel boots when equipped on feet make falling over more likely when beserking, but contain a limited amount of stun ammunition based on recyled wine corks, around 12 shots.
gollum two-face bra (featured in: Hollowman)
based around a Yahoo chat conversation that left and right boobs differ in size, and wether using a bra to make nipples invisible is normal - this bra when equipped makes one side of you invisible based on which boob is most powerful. obviously.
wolf gloves (featured in: I am the wolfman?)
turns you into the werewolf guy from Buffy, but you then drop and can't use your inventory. useful for players stuck on the dungeon segment with two minotaurs, assuming that you hide in shadows and claw them from behind.
titan socks
makes you really heavy metal - useful for walking on lava, but movement is very slow and terminator bunnies are likely to shoot you with lasers. can be combined with the space dish, making you a really slow motion astronaut type, especially if the trainers are also used. so obviously not the same as Ocarina of Time.
giant jeans (featured in: Doshin the Giant)
gives you really long legs, making you more invunerable to standard arrows - the physics engine calculates trajectory rather than a probablity table. however, the physics engine also calculates wether you fall over more, and tripping on things is nearly 100% likely.
death tape (featured in: LittlebigPlanet)
can be used to tape two things together in a way monsters can't solve. for the player this is easy and requires timing based typing of 'pull' three times, around once a second. examples of things to do are taping an explosive to an orc commander, or taping a heavy item such a broadsword to a chest, since you can reliably come back to it later. slug slime and other acid based things encountered later can destroy the tape, so it isn't invincible.
scratcher discs (featured in: Spirited Away)
compact discs with no compact disc player. you can look into them and see your dark soul, as reference to black PSX discs. however when left on the ground they scratch monsters rather than themselves, and many of those in a chain can wear down HP, especially if you run in circles - they don't damage players that looked into them and recognise their own dark soul - in theory it steals your humanity or something, but can change loyalty to another owner who does this; so with two players, the owner of this landmine item can be altered, or rather they're reprogrammed.
crush cans (featured in: taylor swift)
found in the fridge like coke cans, but labelled 'Crush'. the green juice inside changes your facing direction, which is useless at first, but great for when beserker side effects take hold and you're uncontrollably running into spikes or lava due to momentum. however, like something from ghostbusters they can be left on the ground and if a monster or yourself steps on them then either: the can is kicked and needs to be found again, or the agent gets trapped inside a minature hosted dungeon of green slime. the item can be used to play the game without killing anything, but is also tied into the physics engine and with 100% shake based fizzing the enemies will jump out and be in beserker mode. players can do this on purpose by shaking to 95% and throwing it like a grenade, so even though the 'pokeball' contents aren't your friend, they're usually insane enough to attack other monsters instead of yourself. this item is very important in the unmade part-2 to transport cyborg commandos onto French battleships when you teleport-rush. it allows you to carry around a pokemon type team, assuming you also keep masses of anti-psychotic medicine (made in the microwave) to prevent them going fizzyness beserk.
486DM (Dungeon Master / Doc Machine) (featured in: Cave Story, Far Cry)
this item is initially like the computer in pokemon, but becomes part of the plot as various story elements are contained within the log files, help system and programable functions. at one point players need to wire up the dictaphone and walkman to solve a puzzle rather than waiting around 2 weeks realtime - they can automate a sound based script. if the DM is later plugged into the walkie talkie with souped up batteries then the circuits made can be wireless, and then tied into various gadgets at external locations such a dungeon - but firstly they need to find the second walkie talkie, and reverse engineer these in bad robot french by pretending to be a commando. In this sense the dungeon monster game becomes a chatbot game in the second part, and why snarf was advanced. 'boring conversation anyway'. Elaborate functions of the 486DM are also an introduction to making your own maps, since the sophistication is really a subdomain or priviliged command-reroute of the creator or 'god' commands. the advanced gadget circuits occur at a point when the dungeons are completed anyway, so items which might originally seem like odd gimmicks become essential for mounting A-team style assaults on french encampments with various different tactics. the time span of completing this is 1 year realtime, so conserving all those gadgets and not having any stolen and lifted away by french helicopters is the key to success in a fairly complex wargame.
emerald-eye mints (featured in: chronicles of riddick, splinter cell)
similar to the old fruit version of polo mints, these are found in a treasure cave somewhere around Birmingham - eating them all can teleport you somewhere random in Britain, but more usefully is that when worn as contact lenses the player has green glowing eyes which can see through 1 or sometimes 2 walls, at the expense of being obvious to see in the dark. also is that setting these up requires unequipping or dropping weapons like a large sword, and the combination of metallic clang with green-glowing eyes makes you a target - but for players committed to cyberpunk stealth who adapt their own specialist tactics and leave unhelpful weapons at home, these are great.
cyberball (featured in: Battlestar Galactica)
something like a pokeball that does cyborg assimilation, but these don't work on anything in the game: most monsters are summons and not biological, super-squirrels are too fast, and fish aren't helpful as cyborgs (they just do fish stuff, but more nerdy). mainly the item is intended for part-2 of the game, to convert french commandos - but the irony of demilitarisation is that over 50% of them decide to do villager stuff like fishing or making a wooden hut, and conscripts never properly follow commands. only 10% of them will attack their former friends, so mostly they just do stealth warfare which requires the enemy being airlifted with rescue helicopters
slime board (featured in: Portal 2)
dinner trays are listed as surf boards, but it doesn't work well on anything since there's never more than a bit of puddle to skate on. later, this can be used to defeat the dark wizard during their slug transformation phase, assuming that the player doesn't get squashed into walls and die of acid; so in this period of surfing on slime they need to at least get some fireballs into the slugs path and be prepared to jump off from the board. another tactic is to trap slugs and snails onto the board and slide them into magic based traps such as electricity or flames. one limitation is that carrying the board for quick use equips in place of a shield, and can get bent up. hammers help flatten it back out between missions.
snake-designer (featured in: Code Geass)
looks a lot like trendy first-gen nokia phones, but instead of connecting to a radio tower it can be tuned to see inside the enemy AI brain. if the player can sneak around enough to lock-on this way, then there's a problem of it activating an SMS type beep which alerts said enemy, although it can also be deactivated or the phone muffled by placing it inside something else - oddly, in order to send alternate lines of directive into the bot, you gesture-attack it directly with the monochrome LCD screen as it lights up in mystical green hues in the dark - if then often does the nokia tune and alerts more monsters. you use this for limited attacks against a boss or commander with precision logic, because the correct directive change can alter the entire game.
psycho-rifle (featured in: Hollyoaks, 'Bomb-head')
this item also alters AI brains, but blanks them out. depending on lithium-ion charge, aim and distance the percentage of this maps to how many directives are blanked on the target. due to long amount of time needed for a successful lock-on the weapon is intended for sniping. except there's very little to snipe but the 80mph super-squirrels: shooting one off a tree successfully takes a lot of skill. these animals being generally 'protected' they scramble up a tree again way before a player can target them with some other weapon or travel closer, but for the remainder of that chronological day might have 'madness' in the squirrel community, which the player can track and follow them around the country (in theory).
room-jet (featured in: Oblivion Movie)
designed for the extremely odd Battlezone hybrid, this fighter jet never worked very well due to the newtonian physics being too scientific - you need to design a real jet or something. it was also a very weird hack that a mini-dungeon was flying around a macro-dungeon as some sort of API geometry projection, affected by physics. technically you enter the cockpit as a distorted dungeon room, and the various parts of the airplane are also dungeon rooms. thinking this out might cause madness in humans, but according to the script hack they're rooms full of water or something, and the jet engines are also full of lava. it makes next to no sense (I had issues).
mordor bike (featured in: Tron Legacy, Asimo)
also a weird vector vehicle, but since there weren't any skeletons to render an orc riding anything, they were modded to have a vectorised sauron-eye and a commander which was a mobile phone mast of some description. watching them swarm around alaska is amusing since they easily slip over due to physics and ice - there's then an ai controlled weight to self-right which is also quite comical. however, the bikes aren't entirely lame and can gang up on a player in motorbike circles on a good day. taking them out requires shooting the sauron eye on the mast, and they all disperse to tumble around alaska, never to be seen again.
wind-indicator vindicator (featured in: Family Guy, Example)
protoype device to react against physics wind. since scotland was really glitchy and implied there might be some sort of reward or point of interest within all the terrain bugs, this sensor tower basically just reports if wind is travelling south or north, but lists it as 'winning' or 'losing'. nobody knows why exactly, but presumably it saves a certain amount of fuel in a car race to be going with wind.
sub-marin (featured in: Lost)
prototype submarine based around Link's Awakening: the shell is made from bones of the char whom abandoned Link in equally gothic fashion. it doesn't work amazingly well but can go down quite far in the ocean north of canada, and then there's only really one thing to visit, which is a superman type cave inside an ice-berg (nobody would think of this).
chronological ice-cream (featured in: Farscape)
inside the super-man iceberg thing isn't much, except amazingly scientific and philosophical ice-cream, presumably designed on Krypton, in which the ice cream is frozen with non-transparent ice: ice ice cream. in order to be restored as normal ice cream is needs to melt, at which point there's no ice cream, just melting. the amazing scientific instructions for this explain it has double-dimensional thermal physics in which you only let one of the dimensional layers melt. it may also be a superman scam to confuse lex luthor forever.
peach bin (featured in: Up)
incredibly badly working hot air balloon with no logical mechanism, ergo it was the recycling bin for the peach stone in James and the Giant Peach - because, since renewable energy is always a truism, you gain the power of flight by being green and recycling the energy for that energy. it all makes sense if you really want it to.
golf buggy (featured in: Vice City, Garth Merenghi)
high-speed vehicles are difficult to make, and also the VW beetle, but this golf buggy didn't flip over. it doesn't travel very fast across alaska and often gets stuck, but has the advantage of protecting the player against bears. unfortunately there isn't much of this protection against snow-storms, which require magical compensation: the result is quite surreal, but occasionally a technomage can be seen lit up like Cinder from killer instinct slowly crawling across alaska and shooting endless waves of bears with highspeed laser blasts.
silver arrow of justice (featured in: I am legend)
manchester was free of terminator-bunnies for a while due to historical presence of lord sauron defending there from mount snowdon. usually it required impressing sauron or he vapourised humans - in this instance a set of likelys claimed that with a magical arrow they could shoot this to a location in london, hit a golden apple from a tree and send a crazy bear back to hell-sleep. doing so requires a second player to activate the london switch, and stand on a raised platform while the bear (magically stored inside an enchanted tree trunk) circles them. alternatively for really dedicated players, they can use Chantelle of Sherwood and drag her to the location as bear bait. firing the arrow all this way at the correct angle and velocity is nearly impossible unless the player uses alevel maths and calculates in advance.
slayer disk (featured in: Heroes, Death Note, Strangers Wrath)
in the place that hadrian's wall would be, there's a stone kiln containing a perfectly preserved floppy disk. put into the 486DM it contains an intel listing of villains, but for some reason converted into school-girl gossip around super-squirrel boyfriends that don't exist. this item is actually important for the unmade part-3 whenupon the player is forced to escape french invasion by going back to 'herculean' times. the implication is that this intel has been cyphered so as to prevent skynet time paradoxes - but the document then proves useful as an FAQ or guide for various part-3 missions and boss characters.
sauron's jokebook (featured in: Indiana Jones 4, Lost, Morrowind)
somewhere in a river south of Wales is a sunken pirate ship, which contains a skeleton wearing clown outfit and his treasure chest: the treasure is a joke book. this cultural reference is fairly obscure now, but Bob Monkhouse was in the news again determined to find his stolen jokebook. it implies that in his obsession, monkhouse extended that search across history and the seven seas. which meant becoming a pirate, but his combat skill being humour, monkhouse eventually wrote his original joke book as a time paradox and defeated rival pirates with it -- until not realising that sauron doesn't mess about and thus shot his ship down. presumably with amazing eyesight, the only owner or thief of the text was the eye of sauron, but then as lord of wales, can only be the dreaded... tom jones. and thus the plot thickens.
pointless peice of sun (featured in: Majora's Mask, Mario Sunshine)
an item from the greece map and important to the plotline of that. it doesn't do anything except that when looked at, has an epic amount of 32bit lens flare: much better than Ocarina of Time since the sun is really close. the map doesn't need graphics when it can be described, of course.
pearls of wisdom-teeth (featured in: San Andreas)
Colchester is famous for oysters, but consequently pearls are too cheap. thus in populating the river colne with something, it obviously has all the pearls you could ever want - perhaps fetching pearls made that species extinct as a self fulfilling rarity, but this time terminator-bunny cleansing has made the player extremely rich, to nobody. the pearls have a brand new magic, which is that eating them allows a pearl hunter to breath underwater and spend longer... finding more pearls. until one day there's no pearls left, and they're truly rare again. less is more.
atomic cake (featured in: portal, animal crossing)
using the radioactive panasonic microwave it is possible to make various kinds of explosive cake, but setting the timer to the correct amount to incur probability of atomic effects (1 in 100,000) without detonating most of essex away is a matter of extreme trial and error. the average length of time in terms of vegas gambling statistics can be be computed beforehand, but the player is required to stand there the whole time to prevent disaster when it beeps as such. supposedly this can be automated using the 486DM heavily scripted with a lot of gadgets as some sort of hack version of a bot - and then the player can simply set their bios very far forward in time and experiment as to wether they destroyed colchester. at this point you then need to use the temporal walkman to travel back with the item, hooked to the materialiser - all very complex to actually do, and the resulting cake is overkill since in addition to killing all the monsters, the entire town is a giant akira style crator. in theory you could set up elaborate forcefields or build around the mini-diablo dungeon with stronger material such as the bunker concrete - but at this point it defeats the game mechanics quite a lot. the atomic cake is potentially for the unmade part-2 in order to keep the french military from invading essex for additional months, and can be the difference between an extra half-year or not. however, they also have a warhead array in space that is wired to evaporate the channel if you hijack their battleship and destroy the ten others. if you send the atomic cake through the time portal which the terminator bunnies went through, internally to the engine this isn't very dramatic: all the trees and squirrels are switched off, but in narrative ways you've destroyed the country and then trigger a game over log entry on the 486DM. exactly why the microwave is so centric to making bombs, results from an old steven seagal movie in which he explodes a microwave to kill soldiers, and this became 'legendary' / 'proper legend' at my school.
Robin of Sherwood (featured in: Matrix Reloaded, Scott Pilgrim)
this game ended up having a contracted fork to the Scouting Association in return for borrowing an ordinance survey map, and the eventual decided audience was cubscouts that they do slightly more advanced practice at orienteering than wandering around the local town. consequently the copy of my street, flat and hosted objects were alterted into the dark world from Zelda and I was reading Douglas Adams at the time - in order to provide some sort of demo, the intial quest was to find the tree near my flat / technomage house that held all the prompt cards with orienteering challenges, loosely based on monty python: meaning of life. when shaken as sonic the hedgehog these cards fall out, and in order to fix a problem that the south coast of england was turned into all cliffs for precaution reasons, there are thus various indiana jones type caves in this region with rope bridges and such. completing these leads to a cave with grandiose statue of robin hood, his amazing advice to build your own cool cave systems and use the help file - something of a giant cheapskate reward. the joke is mild, and for parents, but it implies that guys from the south of france didn't want to advance very far but felt it important that chantelle have a husband of some sort with amazing nobility and glamour. most of what this refers to is pre-internet culture. there's an additional scam though, which is destroying the statue out of rage reveals a captain scarlet version of Robin inside. and then if you take this back to the technomage house for materialiser necromancy it turns back into... a tree, obviously, and destroys the above roof. and thus the ocarina of time subversion is complete.
prism of purpose (featured in: Katy Perry, AdventureTime)
in the alaskan ice berg there's also a light reflecting prism which presumably belonged to superman. activating the amazing magic doesn't work, since it relies on the kryptonian sun being strong enough to go through the ice-berg shell and through miles of water - most of it being quite far below surface. there's an indiciation that superman made this to trick lex luthor somehow, that if he makes the sun go supernova a bit (only a bit) then conditions of krypton will be activated and then finally... the prism will activate the second dimension thermal light, and melt the ice cream back out of ice ice cream, and luthor will know the wonders of kryptonian ice cream - for about 0.00001 seconds before the scorched earth destroys it.
tintin rocket of righthood (featured in: Man of Steel, Owl City)
evidently lex luthor or someone else was into the idea of a slight supernova to gain the secret of double ice cream (omg what does it mean? probably double cream). there's a minature science station which activates a retro looking rocket that launches into the sun. however, being inside the iceberg means the space control view is nothing, and if a second player, themselves, chantelle or robin takes a ride there's no windows in battlezone-mode either. generally speaking the gameplay is to find the rocket after crashing somewhere in alaska, which isn't too difficult since the mordor-bikes recognise it as a sauron mobilephone tower (it even has eye of sauron vector logo: that guy gets everywhere) and will comically circle around and then flip-crash on the rocket shell repeatedly. in the event of a hack, and the player sticks themselves to the outside of this rocket, they then see the full extent of 500mb map attempting to render, and have an amazing adrenaline experience roughly based on metal-slug slowdown. assuming the engine doesn't crash windows-xp, players discover the massive design limits of a text adventure, and the planet is neither spherical nor has macro-physics -- and thus you obviously fall back down to earth, despite being half-way towards the sun. however, themselves or a third person will discover the meaning of being 'right' is that the rocket has a really dire brute-force 'righting' mechanism to ensure it goes upwards properly. this runs on the pulped and rotted remains of the peach in james and the giant peach, after being recycled so many times the energy is more energy due to energy saving. everyone knows this is what superman really does when nobody is left to save: save energy from energy savers.
sheriff sauron badge (featured in: Strangers Wrath, A town called Panic)
this item and some others are from the wild west america ruled over by tom jones - the current avatar of lord sauron, who fled wales due to a battle with thousands of terminator bunnies in the past. the badge is found stuck into the wall of the iceberg and acts as key for the rocket and prism, so it implies one of these went missing. the other one is found hundreds of miles away buried in ice, most likely from a test flight that went wrong.
cowboy belt boggle (featured in: Kylie Minogue)
simply because this belt says 'light' it makes the wearer less heavy, which is hugely useful for trekking the canada map and carrying more food. logically speaking the boggle peices strung on this are an incantation or spell of some sort, and the ancient wizarding world failed to fully realise the consequences of mass production in enabling sauron to commodify such wonders. more than likely these belts were made to help astro-navigators, or 'expendable cannon-fodder shot into the sun' in respect to a self righting rocket, since bots tend not to stay still much.
defender musket
playing a lot of Mame at the time, the bullets from this gun alternate colour / function very rapidly between magic types, but being an industrialised product by lord sauron they aren't up to the amazing potency of an actual wizard spell or scroll. but this is probably all part of modern life, that you get more for less (every little helps).
flymo rifle (featured in: Halflife 2)
in an effort to make america more like a coyboy film, using brute force sauron just had everyone cut the grass to extinction, and the discovery of oil was useful - sauron not really caring about cars or trains for the population. mostly this was an attempt to avoid that both north and south america had frozen over due to the incredible coldness of his soul - it isn't a fact if you heavily modify the ecosystem using industrial might. and thus sauron screwed up and then created global warming for central america due to an ozone layer hole. and for the rest of american culture the handheld lawnmowers were converted into slightly intimidating weapons that went buzz, buzz, and at other times buzz. there were lots of tense stand-off battles involving buzzing.
desert glasses (featured in: Scott Pilgrim, Katy Perry)
it was evident from george bush speeches that desert combat goggles would be the hot new item in 2001, and whomever was merchant of these had struck gold. however, saurons version merely give you a view of the desert, from alaska. sometimes they can help a player survive a snow-storm, and the logic of this is sound: lalalalala fingers in my ears, can't hear you. it is of course true that virtual reality when excessively used will prevent your hands from freezing on the way to tescos and back -- if the player wears these they're flip-transported to a segment of desert in which they can't move, and end up alternating between deadly hot and cold extremes for hours until the bears go home and the snowstorm ends.
sauron pistols (featured in: Halflife 2)
since most of the university boys became more interested in unreal-tournament than split screen mariokart-64, the military version of a flymo rifle henceforth needed to be a circular saw launcher, but much much better - this one could slice through bears no problem, and with amazing newtonian dll library shit bounce on things a bit, like skimming and such. of course the reality of this rather than unreal reality is they need a few 100mph and end up embedded in a very distant snow mountain, so the player then has to jump and shoot downwards at a particular non-bouncy angle into the bear's head and it merely flings around within a nearby mile or two.
wagon will (featured in: Lost)
fairly cryptic item, but since wheels don't work properly this one is some kind of floating wheel with an eye of sauron - and was used to transport the rocket from central america in a mystical transportation method. it operates on the basis of faith, apparently, that a single wheel which doesn't roll is better than a lorry with lots of wheels. in the event any sauron citizen lacks faith, sauron finds it distrurbing and there's a disturbance in the force... so then clearly with less force, or perpertual energy of disturbing the existing force, it creates more force for saurons forces and the wheel gets that item somewhere because it just did so, and everyone believed. it might be a teleporter device of some kind that relies on absolute brainwashing and belief, which is why the player being a gamenerd and questioning what it is by typing 'examine', makes that non-effective.
monkey wrench (featured in: tokobot, gta chinatown wars)
I was playing advance-wars at the time, so this is andy's giant tool (erm). if the player follows half-kryptonian instructions they can tighten the prism to be more powerful at reflecting light, but without any sunbeams it still doesn't do anything. should the player get clever and shoot it with lasers then as a result of being 'overclocked' it bounces these infinitely around the iceberg fortress and they need to run away or wait until night-time (lasers are obviously conformist to light cycles). should the player know the location of the underwater rocket, they can also utilise the pearls and overclock peach-fuel segments to make it go theoretically closer to the sun. in the event that the player fires laser holes of sufficient power through the ice-berg walls to create sunbeams, then the location being quite far underwater it simply floods. pearls are helpful at this point, and flooding was a patch for wales that it had proper tidal movements - sauron is supposed to have invented this as a large-scale spell. the intersection of ice-bergs and terminator-bunnies is a reference to the gender feud over which james cameron film is more legitimate to his creative soul.
alligator limousine (featured in: scott pilgrim, owl city, windwaker)
this car was a screw-up but serves reasonably well as a very awful speedboat that goes around 10mph. in theory it can be used to take amazing treasure back from the shores of canada to britain. in the case that players don't have any pearls they would need to make this epic fetch-quest like an old pilgrim over multiple months. but as for why the player ends up on this continent without a plane or ferry, the answer is by plugging the emerald eyes into the 486DM and transporter, but in doing so they're merely a teleporter clone, helping to explain why they lost all their equipment and various stats. in theory a crashed rocket can be built again with a new ramp to crash into britain, like an ICBM - the sort of thing george bush needed at the time. it requires highly experimental battlezone spells to create 3d objects such as the ramp, and players need to rip the space control equipment from the ice-berg without destroying it. and then, there's no easy route back from britain anyhow - unless space control is inside the rocket and wired with walkie talkie wifi hacks and such. in order to fire it back to canada/alaska again most of the trees then have to be forested or it likely flips on the upper branches and spins out of control - landing somewhere like liverpool or cardiff. in terms of making a high-speed train out of the railway and geometry, it sounds like cheating, unless you're wallace and grommit.
black-hole washing machine (featured in: Oblivion, OSX, SNMP)
thematically similar to Douglas Adams: tam circuits could have feedback loop problems if set incorrectly, so a compensator device was put in place of a plug fuse that the player could remove, against the advice of 486DM. in this instance it was used to intentionally generate force lightning inside the washing machine to overpower the atomic microwave in order to create atomic cake (boom), which meant programming it for an automated time and power cycle, but removing the limiter. if set too high then the circuity tokens were at -1 and it went into reverse, creating infinite computation... the idea being that if the game crashes then you destroyed timespace and should have followed the manual advice better. in regard to charging up items in the washing machine, it was hap-hazard and could create sparking batteries... but if the user wore the rubber gloves in the sink then metal objects put through the cycle could become super-charged with lightning. mainly this was useful for creating shock versions of the mantrap, but could also be used to shock-convert the metal cutlery, assuming the player can avoid the return lightning. it didn't work well on armoured minotaurs who rush you and merge the shock between themselves and the player. generally they were more useful in throwing at terminator-bunnies from a raised platform such as the high-field bunker fortress, although at this point the bunny commander was able to respawn more from a generator in their warrens; it wasn't realtime as such, but reserve units built up over time on a night-day cycle so obviously they do bunny stuff, and these versions have the nano-virus version of assimilation. there's a possibility with late-generation terminator bunnys that the player can become infected with the nanobots and turn into a cyborg, requiring that 486DM 'fix' them by basically just doing a respawn - and the gothic aspect being you just leave dead versions of yourself. if the player enters inside the washing machine during a blackhole move and closes the door, the entire tam map can turn into a blank default map in which typing 'look' reveals the room contains 'everything' and 'nothing'.
doc gloves
electrical resistance gloves used for shocked items, but also diminishes fix time of your hands for generic force lightning.
oven of doom
somewhat dark, but anything put in here is deleted after being closed and cooking for an hour. it was used by players to destroy previous clones of themselves and creates a technomage roast dinner as in minecraft, but cannabilism has random side effects as with CJD - such as sensory confusion like poison potions, health loss and randomly vanishing MP stats. if used on monsters they go 'tame' for a while digesting the meal and don't run around as much, but will still attack within a few squares.
fridge duplication hack
the fridge contained a lot of items such as Crush cans and buster eggs, but also had an electronic interface which normally sets temperature - although in the dark world version this plays a 'lucky dip' national lottery in which there's a 1 in 1000 chance the contents of the fridge replicate like cell division, as happens with spring onions or celery when they keep growing.
freezer nothingness hack (featured in: hollowman, Lost, Farscape)
the fridge-freezer had a frozen food compartment in the bottom half which could be used to convert items into frost magic, but left in there for too long would become magical ice that was a blank object on melting. the materialiser and 486dm could utilise blank objects to replicate something, such as the rare items, but they also had a strong chance of freezing your whole body to death, like compound poison in various fantasy games. it works very quickly even though you only travel a few rooms to the materialiser. fortunately the oven of doom can compensate if left on and open, so you stand near it quickly - within 3 seconds of being warned of frost death. experimenting with the timing and probability of failure is useful. sometimes you just make nothingness items that can't be duplicated or transformed. putting them into the black hole washing machine and crashing the game has a very small chance of making a programable item outside of god commands, using the 486dm - a reference to mew in pokemon and other glitch characters - but in additional reference to the level0 shield glitch in link's awakening this program object is usually invisible in the inventory or a room - meaning you have to remember the name of it, where you left it and soforth. there's a very rare possibility of making something along the lines of gollums invisibility ring, but in making your entire self invisible so are all your items and stats and the game is difficult to play without making elaborate notes on the wizards dictaphone, windows program or pen-and-paper outside the screen. the player can make a god mode for themselves - which merely activates a few system spells - should they do the black hole move climbing inside, and combine it with the invisibility hack - at which point they're screwed, since various switches for doors like magical eyes don't recognise they exist. in the event that blackhole and semi-freeze are expertly combined, the player becomes similar to chantelle or robin, and for some weird reason can still move in compass directions but no longer do other actions... although they're completely invincible to everything, of course. the general reason this works despite time-space crashing the game is due to being duplicated again on reboot at a bios time later than it occured. there's also a weird glitch whereby the contents of a crush can are when recloned, teleported to a nearby area usually around high-field, so it randomly disperses all the goblins or orcs you collected. this fact is theoretically useful in a part2 game if you're able to duplicate the crush cans, find the method to summon orcs and goblins back to the dungeon - repeatedly harvest them methodically - and then load the washing machine with said collection of cans ready for activation: assuming it doesn't screw up or corrupt the file, you then reboot back to the materialiser, but there's a scattered army of say 200 orcs to defend the area from commandos, which is a lot more than summons can create.
universal-gas taps (featured in: Halflife 2)
since anglian-water didn't exist as a result of terminator-bunnies, the various taps in the technomage house are more like the science lab at my school, and provide gasses. the same volumetric system was used as with flooding, requiring careful venting of gas by opening windows (it can explode of course). helium ties into the later physics engine and items pumped up with this gas alter your movement properties depending on equip location on the player body - the trainers can be refuelled and experimented with using the taps. butane and others create explosive and used for microwave recipes too, to make bomb cakes if successful (player will probably die like superbomberman 100 times beforehand). methane can later be found in areas where orcs and goblins inhabit, on the basis they do silent farts - more polite than most dungeon monsters. helium can lower weight if balanced right to increase inventory amount, but creates problems for hitting switches and other weight based issues, which in a dungeon combat scenario can be bad, leading to the player dropping inflatable items which float around the dungeon and confuse monsters a bit before usually being exploded by accidental contact with swords and such.
red bicyle tires
can be inflated with gasses and worn as armour, usually in place of necklace or sometimes hat.
gas boy (featured in: Up, Wall-E, Fallout)
similar to a tricorder from star trek, but in the form of a gameboy that detects local readings of radiation, gasses and others. essential in making atomic items to get more detailed science readings.
carbonfibre balloons (featured in: Up)
stronger than normal inflatable items. doesn't explain how it stretches like rubber, other than spider webs are bendy, and the material is half made from a giant spider boss no longer alive.
demon liquid (featured in: zoolander, taylor swift)
same as fairy liquid, but can hold and unleash both gasses and petrol - usefully it detonates stuff by itself. normally it makes large fireballs but the newtonian force of not being a spell throws the player backwards into a wall, but if lava or spikes are behind this isn't as great.
diablo generator (featured in: Lost)
since the electrical company doesn't exist, it makes no sense how there is power. on going to the electric meter it has an electronic device which most of the time replies 'muhahaha' like a villain. letters on the floor revelal the energy company is located in hell, and merely states in half sinister fashion 'You will pay...'.
cycle apologiser
occasionally there's a chrono generated event to pay your electrical bill, in which case the excercise bike wired to the meter can be ridden for a while and the power-cut reverses. doing so is boring and for 2-3 hours the player types 'cycle' at a certain rate, then checking the meter for a returning 'muhahaha'. players can cheat with 486dm automation, but in later versions the electricity meter demon detects this and compensates by overloading items into lightning (sometimes). the cycle event happens approximately once every 3-4 months, and is deactivated by completing the mini-dungeon which the related cupboard has a shortcut to (code put in similar to old batman show creates fireman pole thing).
mansand trap (featured in: Halflife 2, Sherlock Holmes)
in the place where the kitty litter normally is, there's a box full to the brim of blue coloured grit - explained to be made by relatives of the zora in ocarina of time: some kind of elf too posh to hang out on earth, and probably back in middle-earth or something. if the player searches this by putting their hand inside they discover the highly useful man-trap but take something like 90% damage from it (configured intentionally by technomages not to outright kill themselves). the sand stuff itself while not something you would enjoy eating, turns out to be really decent fuel for HP and MP. being over-powered it diminishes according to the same volumetric rules as gas, but for a mini-room object. most of the vector vehicles are hacked ontop of this property, and technically everything is a cat litter tray.
the cat hologram (featured in: transformers, sarah connor chronicles)
there needed to be an explanation of why my cat is missing, so consequently he is away in a pure magic dimension hunting something mysterious we can't understand. the object dates from an early map, and was once the 'good cop' to napoleon, so if asked various bot questions in the style of magic-8-ball the 3d hologram eyes of the cat (like a cats eye on motorways) alters to be neutral, happy, curious and such - at a later stage this had embedded system functions to ask about game progress and player stats, so based on either invisible game checkpoints or stat/equip calculations is reported to be ? happy, the descriptor being like elite, so for instance 'superbly', 'incredibly' and these are listed on the 486dm help system when asked about the hologram parameters. at a later stage there was a version of 'man' as in linux, but 'mag' for 'magical explanation' (there was no obvious cpu or why it should work).
neon snooker (featured in: Vice City, San Andreas, Kung Fury, Tron Legacy, supermonkeyball, donnie darko, geometry wars)
this object was one of the last to be made, but if a number of 'hex magic' codes were placed into the 486dm it would run a system script or spell, and the action of this was to expand the technomage lab room into two, which is theoretically 'open plan' and enalarged it, but listed as being the same magic-dimensionality as the cat hologram. the expanded room doesn't exist prior to being made, since the script does the standard function of running creation (god) commands - as dated from the earlier haunted house map administered by poltergiest ai (mama in dredd). it loosely references an episode of changing-rooms in which someone's wall was knocked down and the volunteers spent ages getting used to this vandalism, deciding out of pride that spanish or italian 'open plan' was cool, simply to not be victims on television - and thus establishing a trend for the following few decades to knock down this particular wall in victorian housing. the hex room is thus a joke that with hologram magic you can cheat vandalism from the bbc, but in conformance with the general diablo-game ethic, the contents are similar to shredder's lair in the original turtles movie, and arguably full of 'satanistic' stuff like arcade games. very few of these items did anything, on the basis of incurring political problems with the hell-domain energy company, but there was a prototype pool or snooker table. this didnt work very well due to overloading the physics DLL with too many fast calculations, meaning it would need a faster computer or comp-cluster to speed up the framerate of the game-engine to approximately 500fps time granularity (apparently the only system able to do this was the sony gscube with 64 cpus). making this table was fairly simple geometry, in needing four cubes surrounding a plane; a bunch of vector circles and a triangular magic lance - this lance cheated the glitches of balls not running at full newtonian-resolution by creating an additional magic blast from above to push them downwards, and some from either side to make it go straighter. since the timer was set low for my pentium-III, at about 12fps for vectors, it had a persistence-of-vision technique loosely based on Blender video generation, in which previous ghosts of the object vectors were still visible but fading out. it let the engine render hundreds of monsters that still jumped 'north' for instance but left a computed trail of their motion, and this was in the engine from a long time beforehand and utilised for AI: which is to say that on a given turn (when non-realtime) terminator bunnies or other fast objects would move a number of squares but leave behind trail markers - mostly used by the system ai, but sometimes viewable to the player - like if they took the slow-mo inhaler or made weird potions. since the output of extreme trail-motion was weird for snooker and the balls were in colours, it was made to look more neon-arcade and the trails were fully visible when being bounced around. scripting the entirety of snooker or pool was a ball-ache (implied joke) and so the game rules, with the balls bot scripted, was that on a set of checkpoints announced by a large LED on the table, you had to down all of a set of colours. if the colour was mistmatched on it being killed with the pocket; which was basically a static bot to kill the programmed colour from the control circuit, then all of the ai balls were programmed to 'rainbow ascend', being hosted in a hologram-magic room: they had a physics move to fly upwards and fade out in coloured trails like some sort of angel. in order to make this minigame more challenging, it was then a bit like shenmue arcades and had easy/normal/hard/insane modes via buttons - normal altered the group colours of balls randomly between turn shots, hard did this in realtime while taking a shot with the triangular lance. on insane mode the colours were all individual and randomly altered like broken christmas tree lights, so it was a matter of mainly luck that you hit a ball and it would be the correct colour on hitting the pocket - but the different levels of insane had some predictable timings for certain balls making it easier. one of the main reasons snooker was in the game is due to a maid-marion episode featuring a character called snooker.
minature trident (featured in: sherlock holmes)
one of the zelda style treasures for the early ancient greece map. its a smaller verion of one of the weapons in Quake, and since there's nothing to shoot at in this earlier version, it contains a joke regarding rocket-jumping in quake games: the player can jump an indiana jones style death drop by turning backwards and tazering themselves, but at a rather high health loss, and then as with zelda has to find curative pots in the following greek labrinth. at a later unmade stage it would in theory be used against greek-frogman in the magical swamp following this area, but they jump around a lot and are also used to be being flung - since they're frogs and fling themselves a lot.
school of basketball (featured in: school of rock, please be kind rewind)
making your own school as a game map became controversial after columbine, so mine ended up becoming just a giant gym hall with a single basketball hoop and a slightly magical iron ball which charged up with electricity could bounce for a while - it provided a kind of time limit like jetsetradio or crazy taxi to play the automated game, which has a related LED style score display as with shenmue arcades. the score could be converted for a summoned medal, which at certain scores listed exam grades such as 'b' or 'a+'. the general idea of all this was a sort of vague commentry that american goths are intimidated by jocks, so i gave them an empty copy of my school, which didn't have sports jocks anyway - or even any black kids actually, so it merely observes or relays some information about essex without making polticial statements. in terms of how this actually worked mechanically for a text game: it was slightly stupid, but 80's artillery games had you type in angles and velocity despite having graphics, so without graphics it still worked the same, and in doing so had a strange sort of support for american goths - that they could be a library book version of a jock sports star, that they themselves could never percieve by lacking literary imagination: you had to visualise your hoop throwing wins from text-adventure text. in theory, the fact that nerdcore can win at the basketball with sheer numbers and maths-physics supremacy is interesting but destroys itself: you can cheat by using the temporal walkman and gain an a+ with savestate type techniques, and also because the default position and angles are mainly repeatable, it has to be made more difficult with randomness of the static-electricity. so there's an element of nihlism that robots are the ultimate jocks, and we downgrade them with dice throws and chaos like Bloodbowl does, in order to make a fantasy that we're the original humanoid jock somehow - via our our own goth intellectualism that we wish it.
borg pipes (featured in: terminator salvation, doom3)
in order to make the ironlady (basketball) charged up properly, the surrounding area which would normally be the various deparments and rooms of my school were all crushed into distorted corridor rooms, almost to represent the sort of structure claimed for american highschools: that jocks were megastars, and everyone else reduced to social slaves that had to have a crush on them. however, these rooms were all vaguely Aliens or navy battleship inspired and required masses of circuit-fixing by the player as a technomage. it formed a kind of tutorial as to making tam circuits, with something like 100 corridor segments going around the main basketball 'cavern'. the ball was placed on a 'pedestal' which like something fron indiana jones charged it up as a van-de-graff machine, meaning it was a static electricity item, and in epic-fail when overcharged the ball would stick to walls or the ceiling and require you throw magnetised spoons or forks to make it fall down from weight. in a very vague buffy reference, the school would otherwise become 'hell mouth' if it had a proper electricity system; this being contracted from the hell domain - and of course, everyone knows making a contract with the devil is a bad idea. the association of all these things resulted from a weird meme at my sixth form whereby we attacked each other's hair with statically charged balloons, and the college dean didn't find it amusing to look uncool and have his hair sticking up, hiding in his office - which had glass windows going into it, so we all saw him obsessively flattening down his fringe. in regard to the gym, it was still used for alevel exams, but I noticed all the year 11 girls took advantage of their school uniform and sports outfit as a fetish costume. but the general problem of them being legally younger meant we had to blank these people socially - and the girls all became 'invisible'. until the second year of sixth form (year 13), when they all did the same in return, but for no logical reason.
block bicycle (featured in: Halflife 2, Futurama)
somewhere in the messup of borg-pipe rooms was a bicycle frame, in which the wheels were some sort of concrete block looking cube, as when people stole boy-racer car wheels and put the frame 'up on blocks'. however, this one when dragged to the static-chamber could be charged up and the blocks inflated a bit volumetrically. ringing the bell -- only girls were allowed to have bike bells in the 90s, but in a text adventure nobody sees -- would have a probability of teleporting the bicycle a bunch of squares forward, but practical usage of this meant binding it to a numkey and hammering it, like F5 on a website to refresh. this item references 'saved by the bell' stating that I would never make a fictional school story when being an adult (ie sixth form or university) - and it also mocks the bike in pokemon that only goes in straight lines. in order to have this work, later versions of the britain map satirise straight roman roads of essex: there's a set of three roads to london, and about 7 to scotland (goes around mountain range). the reason why is that the blockbike teleports you into trees or rocks very often, so initially it seems like I've been a game development angel, making all those roads by hand and myself and the player are in yellow-brick-road romantic love side by side forever... except; easily the most cheapskate move ever, since the terrain generator for tam-britain merely has a few vectors on it for those roads. so in actual fact nobody in the testing team (myself) properly typed 'ring bell' 10,000 times to go to london or wherever. at a later stage in part2 you would gain the warlock spell of teleport-rush, and presuming you jump with the trainers or similar, this avoids getting stuck in objects and you're able to specify an amount of squares, such as '9003' after which... kazoom. the problem is accuracy and knowing your ordinance-survey text adventure shit, but the bike is an early introduction to this, and with F5 hammering is approximately 3 times faster at worst, and 5 times faster at best. players can cheat even more by automating wizard dictaphone with other circuits to infinitely loop the commands, so you can create and then bind a 'cycle' and 'stop cycle' macro, and go make a cup of tea, watch changing rooms or whatever (as often done in Elite).
warlock mortar (featured in: sherlock holmes)
at the bottom of the mini-dungeon is an empty floor of the warlock's library with an invincible door onwards - this warlock segment doesn't exist yet, but knocking on it with the knocker activates the polar bear, the guts of which contain a note with the location of the legendary warrior (chantelle is findable by following the orienteering direction of many old arrows in the region). amongst the various books are some items which are self-protected, one of which being an explosive that may be able to blow open the door. doing so merely explodes in throwing, creating flame - but an additional frost item here can counteract it, and all of these items in a pokemon style self-canceling system don't do much than save you from the other ones. however, the explosive shell is supposed to be used in part2 by firing it from a rocket launcher carried by cyborg commandos - the idea that lacking magical hands, the spell feedback doesn't work.
kong pole (featured in: sherlock holmes)
the series of cubscout missions on the cue-cards require the player journey to the south coast of england. unfortunately there's no obvious bridge across the river thames. ordinance survey data doesn't contain listings of land in this area which would be a swamp; so the whole area is donkey kong country style forestry. in an incredibly boring trial and error players can examine every tree for many miles in an attempt to find a rope ladder - they can also climb every tree just in case - but there's a few wooden rope bridges across to the other side, and random tree house type structures on very tall trees. all very fun, but the easiest method is that I placed an endless fence of wooden pikes down the thames. similar to king kong they protect the player from something or other mysterious - on taking down the pikes and attempting to cross, there's a version of the fish claiming to be a piranha - however, they're set to zip down from one end of the thames to the other at hundreds of miles an hour, like a bad version of frogger. this flashes on the screen so fast you need to use a pause function or time-freeze item to randomly stop the text feed. if you cross the river then they don't eat you, but stop you from moving due to the player being polite and letting them cross; amount of piranhas being so statistically high you almost never cross the river. something of a weird joke about london traffic jams and rude pedestrians -- but using the pikes as a means to pole-vault, there's a chance on thinner sections of the river with islands in the middle you can hop over this way - possibly like frogger also. the method of finding these sections is 'scouting' the area, which seems appropriate and not mean-spirited, and was approved of by the leader I demonstrated this to: the idea being many cubscouts would have to cooperate in furthering the gameplay, and share info. historically this is what you do in scouts, and feed information back to ordinance survey departments. according to sherlock holmes, my wooden bridges had gaps which suggests they were used for the pike vaulting - in any case they definitely required newtonian physics and probably the trainers to run faster. vaulting is an agility skill anyway.
piggy mask
as commentry on gcse exam questions regarding lord-of-the-flies, one of the treehouses in london contains a zelda style mask, which on wearing turns your species definition from 'human' to 'pig'. it jokes on a common meme that pigs are so similar organs could be transplanted - but assuming the cubscouts working as teams found this item and became piggy/the-pig then what kind of amazing socialogical outcome chaos results? probably nothing at all. putting the mask on a second time flips the listing back to human. it may have been the case that in a part2 mission this could be used to escape commando cyborgs that go crazy, since they 'see' you based on cpu-based data more than their eye sensors.
self completing crystal maze
there's a bunch of largely pointless missions on the cue-cards. one of which is that in dover there's a crystal maze type adventure. except somewhere in an area of forest clearing, the crystal when looked into as a crystal-ball merely says 'north south east west' as a maze that isn't a maze, unlike the lost woods in ocarina of time.
pikey compass
lifting up the crystal-maze crystal reveals an amazing sonic the hedghehog style green crystal, which implies that it may in very rare circumstances indicate a nearby treasure direction by glowing. any of the cubscouts which follow the instructions to learn tam coding can read the entire source file and discover that there's nothing that accesses it. the visual basic version with amazing vector graphics can use encrypted map files, in order that my client (scouting association) can protect their own intellectual property, but the demo map of britain being licensed from myself is part of their software in source form. I left it up to the client wether they create alternate forks or maps which troll cubscouts with scams - sometimes kids enjoy mythical stuff like this in games, and then presumably (as happens in scouts) anyone trained in the engineer mode and perhaps gets a computer science badge (there was such a thing) can learn the truth and continue the mystery-troll ethic for another generation if they want to.
lego lion collar (featured in: star wars clone wars)
also a cue-card item, but in roughly the same geographical location as legoland-winsdor, there's a magical necklace made of generic plastic bricks. putting this on transports the player to an old ai test map loosely based on secret-of-mana bosses and others, in which a lion chases them around a roman colluseum type thing. terrifyingly, this bot has been set to invincible by hardcore magic or something, so eventually on being cornered in the concrete side-mazes (you can go to the section under the colloseum in order to attempt escape, and hide for a long time in the lion's own cage, the beast not thinking of this) the lion claws you and destroys the necklace, which it then eats. in a strange narnia reference, you then get teleported back to britain. exactly why is enigmatic - but the lion wanted it's collar back, but also didn't - pets eating lego bricks being something the instructions warned you not to let happen, since they presumably get executed as a result of playing? although clearly a lion can eat lego bricks without major harm, so 'aslan' merely wanted you to know it was the coolest cat, before sending you home to never challenge this - paradoxically is that the colloseum lion chose to be imprisoned forever in lonely goth fashion, rather than using the upgraded collar to escape to britain, since it implies that psychological dependance on being a roman superstar and being scary in the context was more important. aslan doesn't belong in tam-britain and would rather stay in 'narnia'.
golden scrabble tiles
on the cue-card missions, south of the thames is a Hobbit style trail to collect golden tiles as an approximate satire of the collectables in banjo-kazooie. in pretty much the same way as donkey kong country, they simply spell when arranged 'south' with the T being the point to travel. except that fact is really pointless, because in orienteering terms this is epic fail, and all of them being in roughly the same area means the indistinct 'southward' direction isn't relative to the objects. but in a non-cheapskate joke it helps to remind how hugely massive the map is, that the next geographical reigion could be anywhere in britain - north for scotland or north-west for wales. the missions are fully conformist to the client specification that I provide a product demonstration and tutorial, so really what all of the cue-card quests provide is inspiration for what the engineer-badge kids might be able to make if they were less lazy scammers. really, it just relays in honesty that I only had a single weekend to make the demo quests due to having two jobs and 4 college courses. tam was older than many of the cubscouts, and most of the subroutines had a secondary purpose as tools for passing various gcse or alevels exams, meaning it was already heavily recycled code.
pickaxe (featured in: minecraft, tammy)
due to being overpowered it took around 30 hits to break a dungeon wall, and whomever came up with the idea of a turbo button for this was cheating (spiritually). minecraft is a lot more controlled than tam, because it basically gives you a strict technology tree like Red Alert.
oddjob's defense hat (sherlock holmes)
the coat rack needed something on it, and people were dissapointed that goldeneye64 didn't feature oddjob's deadly bowler hat - but since there were too many weapons already, it was modified to absorb whatever weapon it defended the user from, and then fly off backwards taking it with them - objects in tam being easy to glue together. this made it useful against orc commanders with big swords, and also minotaur axes - but there was normally two or more minotaurs in a team, so the second one would attack your now hatless head, sadly. using this method is heavily dependant on splitting the two minotaurs apart over a period of time into seperate dungon segments. usefully, is that if you do go into battle with not much equipment and weapons, you can feasibly pull the axe from this hat and use it against the original owner, providing you run in circles behind them. effectively you're copying the minotaur setup - in terms of why the hat hovers so much, and attracts the axe in the first place - the magic is electromagnetism, and it requires a battery placed underneath, which has variable charge. more than likely the player fails a bunch of times before using the washing machine hacks and such.
drift bracelet (featured in: Owl City, Burnout 3, Halflife 2)
in order to have the battlezone controls like quake, in addition to standard text controls, it was easier to assign this to an equipable item. switching between text and arcade was accomplished by pressing tab, and tam then accessed a button-mapping stack which was LIFO (last in first out), meaning that the last timestamped entry for a button mapping was the one that worked, and this handled lots of button maps overlayed: useful, since weapons such as the snooker lance had button mapping to the mouse wheel (backwards and forwards shooting) but others also used this; so entering a vehicle also may add a mouse wheel mapping for a speed throttle: in order to switch back to the snooker lance - perhaps to poke bears in the head instead ? - you went back to text mode and weilded the weapon. depending on the config it would remove the older entry for the lance if already wielded, and then add a new one, making the mouse wheel and head movement dedicated to that. since the whole thing was codeable, players could map vehicle controls to keyboard keys instead and use both the lance / rifles / pistol and such while driving the golf buggy (yes this makes sense). since the quake style control scheme involved moving away from the central room coordinate, and the area was snow themed it got called a 'drift'. on the event that you cross over into the next room square this was handled automatically anyway for objects - so in theory the player is mapped to the bracelet with glue, hence it was an easier scripthack.
teletubbie nova (featured in: heroes, windwaker)
battlezone graphics were normally black lines on white, but the sun was difficult to see as pale yellow, so for a long time it was blue and implied to be burning at a hotter gas temp due to actions of superman, sauron or whomever else to be 'going a really small amount supernova'. there was a prototype feature for software texture mapping as in quake, but visual-basic didn't enjoy this very much - for a while I tested alternative DLL access such as Allegro, or home-made DirectX hotrods, but the result was mixed since my game framerate (tick rate?) needed to be 500fps anyway. in the end there was a function to use the default VB bitmap injection, so I made something in paintshop-pro that resembled a swirly space anomaly sun in black with arms coming out of it. in theory you could could use the rocket to get amazingly closer to this beautiful gothic star, which did the amazing neo-geo era effect of *slight enlargement resulting in pixelisation* also like with yoshi's island and the superfx2omfg. it was totally lame that in your tintin space adventure the progress was measured by slightly more distorted pixels of a bad bitmap made in 2 minutes. in order to turn this on and off, to a vector circle and back, the system spell was 'argh' and responded to multiple copies of that word in a row like a bit-flip switch, so 'argh argh argh argh' cancels itself out, and this vaguely references the baby-sun in tellietubbies, plus the phrase 'again again'.
worm wire (featured in: LittlebigPlanet)
standard item to generate wire for circuits, but since it needed an explanation for why it was infinitely long, it says something about worms having replication when you cut them - and thus it chronologically became longer (more wire objects inside) over time. utilisation of this was fairly easy, and you typed something like 'wield wire' then 'connect[lamp][battery]'. it was a little bit odd, but the action of holding a battery inside something and it being connected were seperate commands, but had a macro inside the battery object itself that did both of these in sequence: something like 'wield battery(s)' then 'power walkman 4', which passed on the macro argument four. tam was a rebuild of text adventure from fresh, by making it so everything had exposed interactions with no guessing: you typed 'action walkman' or 'act wm' and it listed the commands. if you typed 'act inv' it searched all the embedded commands within your objects and listed them all - and so on and so forth. in order to create mystery however, additional actions were programaticaly injected into objects from other objects. an early example being that a magic door would only have a knocker around 6pm, so the ghost bot which handled this added and then removed the action, plus the description. it then read on being 'examined' that it had a 'knocker' property, and 'action' listed 'knock knocker'. after which point there're dynamic circuits on said level, depending on a poltergeist being in the next room. it went round reprogramming everything in semi-chaotic patterns.
karaoke death mace (featured in: PS2 tech demos, rickrolling)
i'm fairly sure this originates from an episode of ali-mcbeal where she sings with a hairbrush to a mirror. since the object needed to be more diablo or dungeon-ish it became a warrior's mace, and one of the actions was to brush your hair with it: unlike mcbeal's hairbrush you take 10% damage but something weird happens, like your luck or speechcraft go up to compensate - some sort of effect that you look cool after styling, and demons aren't bothered about bloody scars on your face (diablo players don't think about these things). anyway, at first you can sing into it like jigglypuff and flood the dungeon with 'song sound' objects. the ai flashbang grenade type effect is useful for sending the orcs and goblins into random directions to change a game. however, it was then modded in a version2 that the songsound added karaoke directives into the bots - their entire right hemisphere being based on Top of the Pops in the first place, it could put a massive priority on singsong. so then this would add a directive such as "sing it's fun to be at the YMCA" which depending on electrical magic in the technomage hands: ampage - might make the whole dungeon mad for a bit.
world warrior mixtapes (featured in: Futurama)
explain tape2
?: "Now That's What I call Dungeon 200"
put tape2 into dictaphone
wield wire
rewind tape
- tape2[rewound], orc[snore], water[drip]
play tape
air guitar (featured in: Scott Pilgrim)
_detail air_guitar
weight: 0
size: 0
found: ghost prison
description: abstract banshee
weapondirection: forward_blast
actions: playnote_a, playnote_b, playnote_c ... playscore[a/b/c/d/e/f/g]
effect: monster will air guitar for related charge time
side effects: dice30% static discharge [40% compound damage + throw-3/9]
hexagram highlighter
diablo had loads of satanic wards written in blood or something, so I did the same - you could do the standard action of grafitti and write phrases such as 'I was here' and numerous dungeon walls when examined had such things: it was was one of the earliest dungeon objects along with basic descriptions of rooms, to write graffitti objects, so some of these were years old during development and I forgot they were there. later, it was expanded to include runes and wards that actually did things as a static bot, such as give health, fire magic, shield from arrows or watch over dungeon segments as a stone eye or gargoyle. the highlighter used one of the first instances of material interaction, like that water would destroy ink (except permanent marker, but this was destroyed by fire or acid). since pens were an overly finite object they were normally generated or summoned according to a spell, so while the spell was in place, you had various types of pen and there were about 20-30 types of this alone.
monster stopwatch
one of the earlierst circuited devices or machines, this one was based on the counter used in science classes, but did all the work automatically - pressing a button told you how many monsters were in a given area depending on magic-hand charge. 'charge hands 50' gave that many MP points and thus range. it was tied into a sensor, which ran a query command, and all of these such commands were avilable as system spells because you use them during development of objects. thus it runs a 'monsteramount[x][y]' variable in the sensor, and the sensor is wired to a circuit and then the objects buttons, which has mapped actions like 'press stopwatch'. sensors then became stuck onto bots, and it was natural progression.
daddy's daylight sauce
since dried out brown sauce looked somewhat like the camouflage paint in predator, I figured this was made of black holes, and probably leaked out the washing machine - putting it on reduced your likelyhood of being seen at a distance by monster sensors, especially in dark dungeons. being a liquid, it was effected by the element system, and could be diminished by raindrops or waterfalls in the dungeon.
vampire butter
spreading this on teeth caused them to become beastly fangs for a few hours, providing you didn't eat anything and wash it off with saliva. it was basically a way of being the werewolf character a bit while still using weapons - you got his teeth but not claws, strength or speed. it may have said on the container somewhere: "I can't belive it's not Buffy".
holy sodastream
this machine made water, since the water company wasn't there. but since it wasn't strictly water, the substance was some kind of lemonade that would scare kurgen from highlander - thus you could use it to delete runes, wards and camo. the joke is from a poster the government put everywhere that coca cola was good at cleaning metal.
thunder soap (featured in: lush soap company)
i decided that a particular bar of soap we bought looked like icons in goldenaxe, so this one when crushed in your bare hand like Kung-Fury created a very very highpower lightning bolt that killed stuff, as in the sega game.
nurse joy kettle
if you filled this with holy water and boiled it - to make boiling holy water, putting your head into the kettle accessed holy steam, which very rapidly gave you full health, mp and other stats like a standard inn function of rpg games / fairy fountain in zelda. the joke being there was no caffeine or anything; normally you use the kettle to make tea in the morning, not last thing at night after battles. in the highly unlikely event that a player knocked on enough dunegon bricks to find the occasional power socket hidden inside, they could then take the kettle with them and charge themselves up like master chief, providing they had 3 minutes of time and the click noise didn't alert monsters. scanning sourcecode wasn't useful, since the second version had batch compiled data-addresses to numerical values within 'actionspace' - a set of twin floating point numbers in order that it have gigantic levels the size of britain or canada: 300-900mb, but a lot of this was also string based numbers with unlimited digits. you could in theory do an ascii find function, but nothing in windows could deal with text files this large: ubuntu can currently deal with it, if you want to wait ages and write weird shell scripts. the third version had encryption with up to 4 passwords for the admin: at least one more than cyberdyne in terminator-2 of course, but this feature of the 'professional edition' was in order that the scouting association could make ordinance survey maps that weren't messed around with by the occasional troll kid. this tended to happen and led to instances of being on non-existant pathways ontop a small mountain that went nowhere, and could lead to people being paramedic rescued. the pro version did an audit of the cubscout file to see if they'd altered anything in the encypted master file, and then usefully by the time this software was fully merged, the master file of britain was loaded as a partition with the other data a patch ontop of it, as occurs in morrowind mods, meaning the admin merely needed to hit a switch and all the 'kid stuff' including fantasy hacks of rebuilt hills, weapons, magic, castles and such automatically vanished. they were a chrono-patch ontop of the 'boot sector'.
unique snawflake (featured in: fight club)
one of the first treasures made when monster ai was working for the first-generation goblins. the dungeons were highly recycled from fighting-fantasy books, and featured glamorous neon coloured stalactites and beautiful beams of sunlight coming through caverns (because it said so). both the sunlight beams and rolling mist however were bot objects, making tam a sophisticated and classy text game - muds had a lot of bot objects but it wasn't stylish with regard to environmental effects like smoke, fog and light: so this map was competing with james cameron movies for atmosphere. at the end of this dungeon the legendary treasure was a perfectly preserved snowflake - justifying itself as a rare wonder since the description said 'unique' - avoiding that all snowflakes are supposed to be unique. the player is theoretically tasked with taking it out the dungeon intact, by avoiding all the sunbeams, which now stop being beautiful and are clearly evil or jealous (it depends which is more beautiful than the other and who you listen to). obviously on leaving the dungeon the snowflake melts, which is a general the-snowman goth bromance story. oh no feels. but on watching fight-club I decided to add an environment bot for unique snowflakes, which when you search endlessly on the mostly snowy canada has a 1 in 100,000 chance of being in an area. they're all amazingly unique of course.
imagination lego
lego bricks were the first candidate for tam items being stuck to each other, but doing so produces a highly abstract and unhelpful object called 'brick model(n)' in which n states how many bricks are within it, and the description merely states in deadpan style 'blocky'.
dynamo rollerblades (featured in: scott pilgrim, jet grind radio)
there's pretty much no way my Baur skates were usable on dungeon brickwork, grass or muddy paths. so instead, if you equipped them as very slow knight boots - which fortunately were very quiet due to rubber wheels, orcs never saw it coming - then the wheels could if powered by a battery, grind the bearings around pointlessly... but it produced various things depending on the chosen bearings: static electricity, refulled MP, force lightning charge, temporary sheild reinforcement and soforth -- the item is loosely based on materia weapons in final-fantasy-7 but due to tam-circuitry being fairly advanced, the item was also. thus, there are four basic shoes for the starting technomage: platformer type jumping trainers, konami sunset-rider style boots with non-lethal but decent ammo, elemental sheild socks which could defend from elements, and counterpart dynamo boots that are good for sneaking, charging up, and doing power moves.
ninja soles (featured in: prince of persia, vvvvv, spiderman)
there was a fifth shoe, and I was reminded by cultural aftermath. these were the same as rollerblades without the weight or gadgetry, so the rubber sole gave perfect silence for running around at the expense of no special power or defense - but they could be charged up with static to increase agility and speed, generally by rubbing on the carpet tiles a few hundred times (erm) - and then you could spend this by sticking yourself to walls and ceilings, running around upside down, except momentum physics would sometimes drop you down and depending on room height and head armour did damage; it often took a while to get up again from being slightly mangled. i'm reminded of this item since the player gen when at university used to carry round plimpsoles in their 'inventory' handbag to swap for their high heel shoes.
sauron's dandelion doors (featured in: scott pilgrim, adjustment bureau, lost)
this started off as a debug item to check that chronological features worked properly, by providing spoof modification of the BIOS date, and consequently got interwined with the pun 'dandelion clock'. initially this was placed as an infinite generator in the garden - the quickest route being to jump out the window rather than politely walk around. as such I wouldn't lose the item since it was nearby the respawn point; later this was tied into the cheat system, a two-stage process involving an incantation command 'hex', so for instance by weilding the flower and typing 'hex ffaa26ea' or similar (often leet-speek words) ran this hex incantation script. it checked for weilded dandelion of a particular object code and then injected extra actions, 'spin', 'blow' and 'launch'. it was possible to try every hex combination on every object, which was a joke about once solving my combination bike-lock over an entire weekend. at a later stage of plant generation this was complicated by autogenerated flowers, so the player could if very observant notice the flower was out of pattern in regard to being isolated from others of this species or in the wrong ecosystem logic place. the command 'spin' accesses datetime alteration and to some extent allows a level of savestate cheating, although it's really for developer observation and requires walking around the area as a ghost-avatar to not cause corruption. blowing, took you to a slightly ironic quake entrance portal dungeon, which as with scott pilgrim allows the player to go between areas; it was a massive cheat since there existed a dandelion that went from wales to canada without any pilgrim adventuring, thus the hex was decided to be an older version of magic invented by sauron, and it goes hex>magic>techno. Ramona being the letters for Roman mixed around, one of the areas in this debug map was for testing straight vector roads which satirise this, and for pointless reasons you can in theory walk this entire thing like wizard-of-oz, but the two areas it transports between are on either side of the techno-mage house; the player wastes their investigation time, but from a dev point of view being back at the central location is what you would want. also it was used to test if bots could figure out portal systems, so it was converted into a door since they were programmed for this already in their directive code. strangely... is that I spent ages throwing a few hundred bunnies into the opened door, closing it, and waiting patiently so see how long they came out the opposite site, if at all - this left in as a cheat code to be a loose back to the future refence to einstein - the bunnies do infact make it home, but required me leaving the computer on all week while at college. since the weapon would be amusing, the third function was to launch the dandelion clock as a live object; so it obviously floats around in less than accurate fashion, but on hitting a wall or monster generates the door. what happens is that goblins are compelled to scout this area, which being a corridor hundreds of miles long means they aren't a problem to you. such stuff is what made tam different, in that you didn't have to kill anything - in theory the goblins or occasional orc were on a 2 month pilgrimige to a dead end and would come back, which was long enough to complete the dungeons: but if you cheated with chrono-hacks of the dandelions to go forward in time a few months they've returned and might now be anywhere on the map, waiting to get you. tam calculates a chrono batch-script, normally on boot, which is why a magical debug area was created. to be a loading-screen type lobby, and this even featured some objects and items similar to my doctor's waiting area, such as magazines and a magic-time clock on the wall (produced glitch-garbage time readings to say time wasn't working right now). weirdly, is that the magazines had articles about hexmagic culture, and refrenced all the other cheats that existed in puzzle or quest form. in order that the visualbasic map for alaska load properly in a live transition, the debug road between these was long enough to allow bootup for that. so it did become a 'subspace highway' in order to test debug vehicles which flipped and crashed; being a giant tunnel meant they bounced back down. concrete being defined as smooth, or roughness:0% meant the rollerblades worked properly (it was always an intended reward for a theoretical future jump like back to the future 2). mixing jetsetradio back into the game they could launch you very fast down... a really primitive 70's fzero-x track with no corners. nevertheless this mini-game was incredibly hypnotic since for around 1 hour you're racing across an accurately sized span of atlantic faster than a trident missile (8000mph). also tense like docking in elite2, since a single wrong movement on the keybaord or mouse - normally caused by switching over to MSN messenger after being beep-harassed, so you need to switch off your modem - causes the player boundingboxofamazing to flip and hit concrete at said speed. this then becomes exponentionally more difficult as you have to remember where all your previous dead bodies are, or you flip on them again. partially this was a response to the ending level of jetsetradio being impossible to complete (I threw a pad at the wall in rare rage moment) and also an observation regarding coop metal-slug-2 that an increase of credits makes the bosses harder.
rollerorc vending machine (featured in: half-life 2, scott pilgrim)
boys at my university were more interested in playing tony hawks, or winning money at counterstrike championships. consequently the bounding-box orc had a debug game in the supspace-highway, in which the box was stuck to a hoverboard, very glamorously just a rectangle. there was a half-life vending machine, pressing the button of which generated an orc-hoverboard-bot. in terms of not working amazingly well, and the orcs tend not to make it to alaska and back, it was figured that sauron gave up on this immigration method and created the orcless mordor-bikes, which makes sense in the context of gorkamorka that orcs tend to destroy mechanical vehicles anyhow, and sauron doesn't need the stress. and yet as a commentry on the olde world slave industry, sauron made and then loaded skate-orcs with money sacks: firstly this weights them better less likely to flip, but secondly the skate-orcs could to some extent dodge dead skate-orcs but grab the scattered gold on the way over: eventually it must be the case that one of the orcs makes it across with all of sauron's gold stolen from smaug the dragon? this was never proven in testing, but may be possible. perhaps the basis for why scott pilgrim characters just explode into coins all over the area. mainly, the reason these debug items existed was to test an element of tam3 'action streaming' in which the surrounding rooms of a moving object or ai agent were streamed into a visualbasic high level object from the hard-disk files; it wasn't feasible at all to load or process 900mb in ram, especially since my machine only had 500mb (a lot for the time and why i ran two jobs. the pentiumIII tower is still around and one of the more reliable and well-tuned computers you can get - even cheap components in it such as the voodoo3 are deceptive because this varient was sold at loss for technophobe parents to trick them into buying the broken voodoo5, so overvolting this or getting frameloss is nearly impossible. soundblaster is the same. power supply is engineer quality, and a hitachi crt that would cost 2 grand in modern money. i scored this second hand for a 'bargain' 200, but the monitor is special for supporting a massive amount of hertz frequencies and one of the few fully compatible with MAME at the hardware level. sony triniton monitors appeared to be better but after one year screwed up on ultra-hertz frequencies and the tube goes crap). due to action-stream design the engine would slow down with an incease of agents or objects, but it could defnitely handle a bunch of orcs zooming underneath the atlantic while you wait for them in alaska: generally I left this on while going shopping or something. the fact it didn't really match the ai system meant the game was still functioning as a text adventure and took this to the logical limit, but needed to be started from scratch as a geomotry based brain, thus the end of the road was reached since it would no longer be Text Adventure Machine. The fact that it then had a hosted game of sci-fi snooker as the final treasure shows how amazingly far it travelled from Colossal Cave, but in fact still conforms to the basic technology stack of GAC (graphic adventure creator) since the viewpoint was rendered with a vector drawing syntax, and the room that contained the ultimate end was unlocked with a hexcode in a similar hardcoded fashion. it may be the case that on an encypted map file, most players never reached the ending room, and probably just shared the 486dm hex from a source version.
gold cart (featured in: minecraft, wall-e, metal-arms, bitcoin)
assuming that players were dissapointed in the orc-skater to transport money to america, and they really wanted to be immigrants with fantastic starting capital - to hire bears? - then there's also a 0.? mph robot minecart which definitely won't crash, flip, or get stuck on dead bodies. players can calculate the amount of years it takes for the poor thing to cross the atlantic, and then note the amount of bank interest they've failed to profit on. perhaps like the ISAs most of my peers were given when they were 16. in theory these have unlocked by now, and I'm the only one with no money? much of the immigration jokes relate to the fact that on finding a boyfriend at university, two weeks later he landed a job at gearbox and a greencard to leave. so on dwelling about this, walking to and from the shops in snow drifts, I figured that I would rather live in canada anyway. alaska was a reference to a malcom-in-the-middle plotline that francis ends up in alaska doing jobs in sub-slave conditions for a psycho woman, simply because she gives him money while his mother would steal it.
demon-mail pipe (featured in: lost, animal crossing)
in order to explain why letters would arrive at the front-door without a mail service, it was then a nearby pipe that supposedly went down to hell and a free service of your electricity contract, as with email. players could mail themselves messages on the 486dm to be delivered at a time and date (sometimes place)  - an early version of snarf functions - which was useful if the game was played by multiple people; either using the lan function, or swappable - it was intended to be a family friendly game that could be played  by different people at different times, like perhaps your mum stuck at home did so between housework (90's) or your dad over an internet connection in his lunchbreak - or futuristic for the time, a lan segment within the family home like gaming internet cafes.
slartibartfast badge
the planet-sized map creator for tam was partly inspired by a hitchhikers guide line that character slartibartfast loved designing coastlines. this was possible, but drawing all the vectors for such a thing would take years. neverthless on making a world there would be an automated letter mailed to the technomage house welcoming them to some sort of terraforming community or fanclub. similar to the dandy or beano fanclub, you got a membership badge to wear, which said something stupid like 'i made a world'. it was expected that probably your dad would end up with this badge, owning or creating the map file and visiting first so it references worlds best dad mugs you could buy at card shops. amazingly personalised meaning.
slartibartfast plaques (featured in: star trek nemesis)
information for your generated world could be ordered via the 486dm as a series of dot matrix printer readings. but as a weird demo is that brass plaques heavily rusted from ancient times, could be found in the exact location of the technomage garden buried outside the window. cleaned up with holy water or similar. you can then hang these on the wall, or outside the house on the walls.
generic raptor bones (featured in: family guy, animal crossing)
as a free gift from the world generator fanclub players could also find various ancient junk in the back garden, such as dinosaur bones. this fact was actually part of the generator and formed a mini-game: to search high-field for randomly generated bones, which could be joined with the stick function back into completed dino skeleton objects. unlike animal crossing, the player mom or dad would probably specify all this rather than myself.
rust detecting umbrella (featured in: swede mason, half-life 2)
another function of world generation minigames was to create ancient rusted treasure all across britain or other maps. it cheated by using the existing item set in the database and simply took away most of their action commands, adding a rust or degraded property, as with scrolls (a similar thing was done for displays in colchester castle, which is where chantelle used to live). in order to find these, a slightly pointless rust detector device was placed into an umbrella, needing batteries in the handle. opened as a satellite dish it could also feed a radar style output into the gasboy, or numerical count into the stopwatch. players could make a portable science station by joining up all these things and sticking it to the sliding dinner tray. this mini-game wasn't theoretical, but that i lost one of my scouts mates to diablo2 addiction and his dad was busy running an isp with giant satellite dishes, so it was designed to help provide a family game that would maybe have them all talking again at sunday dinner some day.
hercules rope (featured in: half-life2, littlebigplanet, scott pilgrim, a town called panic)
this wasn't really tied into the physics engine as such, but something along the lines of snake/nibbles operates in room based blocks. in the same way as the worm wire, players type 'weild rope' and 'connect[thing][thing]' and then in theory can drag stuff around. it was used for the scorpion phone, and if you harpoon an orc, running around will accurately flip it using physics into walls, they trip, tumble and flip upside down. originally there was an intention to create serpent style enemies, but for whatever reason it wasn't fun, whereas dragging stuff around dungeons on a long rope was. in order to explain infinite amount, but also limit the amount to players, it was bought over the crude 486dm version of ebay (previously mail order), and delivered the next day via parcel. ironically is that you ordered in shenmue satire, a largely pointless demon figurine but the amazing houdini evil of hell-products means it needed to be tamed by strong rope around the package. so you indulge the hell-domain vanity by repeatedly ordering figurines, keeping the rope, and deleting the objects in the oven of doom. the rope being so strong you could just use the action command to tie bits of it to the next one without any breakage. it references that I used to collect rubber bands dropped by royal mail, and then over multiple years tied these together into a giant mega-band. one day at sixth form I decided to see how long it had gotten by stretching it all away around my house through multiple windows, out into the garden and back. ye are the weakest link, goodbye.
scrap-heap-challenge skip-bin (featured in: half-life 2)
something like a fliptop bin activated with your foot, this one had a near infinite holding capacity for rusted metal, and where you put most of the accumulated rust treasure. looking into it revealed your amazing score.
elevator to china (featured in: total recall, dredd, up, littlebigplanet, scott pilgrim, viewtiful joe, windwaker, shenmue 2, gangnam style, tron legacy, half-life 2, portal, san-andreas, a town called panic, wall-e)
in accordance with shenmue-2 hype videos, the technomage back garden had a crypt with elevator. it travelled very slowly to china. this mainly pointed out the planet wasn't a proper sphere with core. so if desired the rather lame debug map involved had prototype lava rooms either side which basically just hacked itself ontop of the existing magic system for fireballs and dragon flame. if the player wore titan socks and auto-scripted some stuff to heal themself with potions in the heat chaos values (earth-core being swirly, and it was fairly accurate from my geography textbook diagrams) - they may eventually reach china. at which point then fail to leave due to an iron grate covering the exit. looking out reveals a highly realistic shenmue type scene of a bustling market with loads of bots buying fruit and vegetables, boats tooting and seagulls flying around. hacking away the grate reveals this room doesn't have more china, thus the cheapskate sega illusion is best enjoyed for what it is, and players should hit 'up' and go home. one of the reasons why this ended up in tam is that james and the giant peach was part of alaska, so this references the chocolate factory, that willy wonka can't give you something which you yourself can make better, ergo the player is free to use all the tools to make their own china. it might take decades to build all the relevant buildings and also make decent bots, but tam doesn't stop you, unlike sega. essentially what this references is it started to become obvious sega games were running on middleware, since PC versions of Saturn software when hacked were identical, and the dreamcast games had 'samey' engine qualities despite their claims. 20 years later and sega prefer to stick to their kamikaze legend than make their old games open source. more than likely they hit they same problem as tam, that eventually you're going past the feasible scope of system software and hacking stuff ontop an unsuitable architecture. in theory you could make shenmue 2 with tam3 by using opengl or directx tethering for the texture mapping, and build an import library for maya or max models. however, minecraft has massive streaming issues on android, because timings and stream functions seem to depend on intel motherboards. the same might be true if sega did unreal-engine type products using their old engine; project gotham 3 for instance overloads the pc based gpu on an xbox 360 and requires quite a lot of re-engineering of all the libraries, which probably wasn't worth the time. shenmue 2 being pretty impressive, but struggles to handle large landscapes on the final disc due to being dependant on transform-and-lighting. sega technology would work at full specification on a computation-cluster, and the demo of such a thing with tam3 might be pixar films. wall-e and up demonstrate optimised raytracing for large landscapes, environment bots such as mist and storms, scientific physics, large ecologies of bots, unlimited objects, accurately modelled camera viewpoint, largescale distances, high precicision velocity and collision, scientific plantlife fractals, plant lifecycle computations, bot speech and command structures. there's a number things it can't do, since they would have been pointless - the raytracer doesn't go through objects or do transparencies, and it doesn't do curvature of earth. thus you never see a completed viewpoint of wall-e going into space, but it cuts to a logically amazing black-floor version of earth with no gravity, and bitmap of earth for the tellitubbie sun -- epic fail. the car in up is made stylistically wobbly and doesn't run for very long, while pretty much all the bots in wall-e are hacked version of the hover-orc with additional geomtery wheels glued on. it may be the starting basis of why there isn't an earth civilisation at all, so in a weird way the limitations of tam (as with all software branches) make the creator more creative in thinking of alternative routes to the goal.
caps-lock implant (featured in: scott pilgrim, terminator salvation)
based on a joke by school teachers that the government may put pet style chips in students if they truant, and also a reponse to this by an essex-university professor who was one of the robot-wars judges: that he did so in order to become a cyborg and be tracked by devices around campus. scott pilgrim featured this towards the end, but the joke is that neither the software or operating system can control the caps-lock key, or even bios, since the chip is inside the keyboard. 486dm offers to reboot you with this implant, which involves zapping the player body into a charred skelelton on the office chair, and they materialise again next to their remains - it activates a keymap for capital letter keys that using w-a-s-d can auto fire the right or left weapon (you can set handedness in the config room) and turn it into a proper mini-nethack. the 486dm can be configured to create a different keymap for the implant or none at all, so this is more useful in combat situations than equiping keymap objects such as the bracelet - you know in advance, can hit caps quickly and see from the keyboard light you are in 'commando mode'.
skeletor chips (featured in: donnie darko)
as a compensation for charring your skeleton, 486dm offers another chip available for mail order or replication (depends) which can create a bot brain for the bones, providing you connect them all via worm wire. technically it provides a bot for each bone, and then in a very loose copy of the aibo schematics (popular at the time) runs these as a bot collective. it was intended at some point to perhaps be the basis of a vector based orc, but mostly these versions fall over and wriggle a lot. hooked into the nibbles style rope system they rather amusingly drag themselves around dungeon corridors like a broken t-1000 that spent too much time at the sixth-formers pub drinking vodka and needs to crawl home. they're good at confusing the hell out of orcs, more than actual combat.
vegas bullets (featured in: google)
as an upgrade to sauron rifles, there was a cave somewhere in canada where a Y2K cultist stashed loads of rusty rifles and a series of alternate ammunition for these which are properly powered, unlike weak consumer ones of sauron - however, the maker hacked the existing bullets with probability, so each of them has a listing for something along the lines of 'calibur' and 'power' but given as gambling statistics for how likely it is to fire. the weapons are amusing for players that want to chance it across the remainder of canada and blast bears while they rampage at them. mainly this is just a reimplementation of misfire and jamming from gorkamorka, so it suggests why sauron replaced orcs with the mordor-bikes, along with general Y2K madness.
serpent sword (featured in: soul calibur, scott pilgrim)
the code for nibbles rope is fairly simple, and was literally reverse engineered from the qbasic demo - this sword was a pseudo-bot and could if launched via the umbrella style handle clicker, send metal spike objects down and around dungeon corridors, up to the length specified by MP charge. it was otherwise a weak sword, leading to the goblins or another orc flanking you from other sides, so you needed to know the dungeon segment very well.
witch teas (featured in: scott pilgrim)
standard magic items from other rpg games such as 'herb' but in order to fit into the technomage house theme, they were herbal teas. it goes back to an old tv show called 'teabag'.
hex magnets (featured in: scott pilgrim)
in addition to graffiti being one of the earliest dungeon objects, the fridge had magnets on it with an action-command to spell words. at a later stage of objects being stickable and formed collections then it became 'magnet(n)' and had a macro to take away individual letters, or a lucky-dip random letter. this then became the degrade feature of scrolls, that letters of a text item were also objects, and damage to the scroll meant letters were destroyed and removed readability - the player could fix them with a battery powered quill thing, or reprint them with the dot matrix, providing they had enough money to buy this from mail order (it also depended on your relationship with the energy company).
triforce badge (featured in: scott pilgrim)
due to the game referencing zelda so much, the triforce had to be put in there. in the end it was a badge object stickable to clothes with 'pin' action macro. it boosted three related stats by about 1%, implied to be something cheap you mail ordered and got scammed - there's an advert for it in the back of the debug waitingroom magazine, this being a common thing in the 90s.
cloud ariel (featured in: halflife 2)
debug item for clouds. if you activate the manual lever or activate it on the DM, then the unused television ariel on the roof extends by around 100 rooms into the sky, and it can do radar readings of clouds in the area. the exact height is configurable on the DM and ties into a spoof linux shell of that later version, so you type 'ariel -extend 30' or something similar. you then type 'ariel -volt 70000' or whatever you need for the range. from time to time the entire electricity stack can blow from overcharge. and then for stupid reasons that the DM is powered by localised magic, you need to mail a sorry letter to the hell domain and wait for the following day for power to be switched back on. they sometimes send you a stupid yoda style email back like, 'with great power comes great responsibility!'. mail functionality was an early version of snarf.
puddle vax (featured in: mario sunshine, frozen)
it was all the rage in the 90's that vacuum cleaners could suck up water and remove stains. ours only worked half the time, and so the dark world version decided not to have a steam vent due the illogical nature of sending the dirt-vapour back around the room again - yes, that makes sense - but stored it like a ghostbusters device. this could then be used to load the destiny-buster, which is a dustbuster. being battery powered you're more likely to use this in a dungeon, and can thus make puddles for orcs to slip on or get confused; even more effective if you freeze them and/or make weird trails everywhere. in the highly fortunate event that the player finds power sockets in the dungeon the vax can be a portable station for the destinybuster and provide serious battle against monsters. as for why the dungeon has electricity sockets - it was vaguely implied this was the hq for the energy company, but as with half-life things went wrong and it became overtaken by summon monsters. hence the energy company leave you alone after doing their dirty-work of clearing it, as a 'key to city' style reward. denise van outen got one around this time for basildon.
poppins hat (featured in: lady gaga)
makes your horizontal glide velocity higher, so you can drift from high ledges. normally this is useful for jumping off the high-field fortress and not falling into a hoarde of rampaging terminator-bunnies. but of course it replaces the space-dish, meaning shortcut keys to switch hats very quickly are essential. true story, but real warriors are such due to hardcore hat switching skills.
body closet (featured in: bo selecta, half-life 2)
one of the rooms not mentioned much is our spare room, which was converted into a frankenstein style lab, with metal chair in the middle covered in blood, various life support machines, surgery tools and organ replacement fridges. you used this area during the plotline to try and restore the legendary warrior back from dna in his bones - normally with organs and other parts replicated from orcs, minotaurs, goblins, possibly dead slugs - held together with masses of spells, hexhacks, cyborg circuits and other stupid stuff. in order that the 'doctor' have adequate access to fresh organs, they could hang live or dead (normally dead) bodys of their former self, or monsters, in the clothes cupboard. similar to the one mr-burns has in the simpsons, this walk-in version is rather spacious inside and has little respect for life. in the event that an orc still half-alive causes problems hanging on the rail, you can vacuum pack him using carbon plastic bags. erm.
meat robes (featured in: lady gaga)
this item could be found in the doctor-closet, and wasn't pointless. should an orc or goblin held in vacuum-pack stasis cut their way loose (because you obviously put them in there with weapons still equipped, that's just a matter of mutual respect) then they can be distracted by eating all the protection meat for five minutes, and in which time you can inject them with various... rpg medicine? it isn't immoral as such, because they're all summons, as are yourself - it transpires you're the other dark wizard and decided to leave the mini-dungeon. fish and squirrels are difficult or impossible to actually kill or kidnap, so tam never really has you commit murder or butchery in this sense, much of it being highly derivative of magic-the-gathering: most things are a spell and vanish if the wizard or warlock does.
legendary warrior bones (featured in: shrek, i am legend)
part 1 gameplay flow: go down the fireman pole in the electricity closet. there's then a set of easy/normal/hard doors which lead to training dungeons with 77/88/99 floors of fairly easy versions of orcs, goblins and minotaurs on the basis they are programmed for less teamwork, accuracy, intel, weapons and spells. at the end of these you get a doom style electrical meter card which upgrades your house voltage via bronze/silver/gold customer status. there's also a cavern waterfall area, and jumping in the waterfalls acording to map notes teleports you to weird places in the house, like the oven, fridge or washing machine. alternatively if your strength rating stat went up really high while down there, you can try and climb the pole. in the generated version there's a slight scam, whereby older fightingfantasy based levels are connected to the waterfall area, with the different behaving goblins dubbed 'blue goblins' since they bred with zora - the scam being that random technomage house items are transported to treasure chests in that set of dungeons. now equipped with better gadgets, the player can then go to high-field and the bunker-concrete based fortress and attempt to defeat the terminator bunnies at nightfall, whose eyes light up red and shoot lasers everywhere. the task is to defeat the commander who leads them, since a serial code on his cyborg remains has a passcode for the mini-diablo dungeon entrance (very high tech). doing so is somewhat futile, and victory is accomplished by allowing the bunker to be breached, walls shot in during the battle, and you then lead them down stairs to a lava themed labrynth. the commander is useless without the long-range vision of his scope, so you can generally lure all his troops into lava falls, set gadget traps of various kinds, and then when isolated from troops he tends to hop around in stress circles on the field, and can be dismantled. the following dungeon only has 7 floors, but exponentially hard; the dark wizard can take three months to beat, so the total time of completion is 4-6 months. on knocking at the warlock door, the polar bear is activated and stalks you above ground. at night-time they get into amusing battles with the replicated terminator bunnies, but most of the time they take you as priority and you respawn several times to wear their health down. polar bear then turns into fluff-guts and bits of polystyrene bones that blow away in wind - a pointless mini-mission is to chase these across britiain for... personal glory and vindication that you won? in any case the guts have a note for the location of legendary warriors crypt in central london. chantelle can be found if players follow trails of arrows. the crypt just has bones, which being giant - barbarians are clearly huge - screws the physics calculations and walking them home to essex means dropping and picking up the skull and other bones, which can bounce and slip down hills or whatever. there's a 50% chance that the protective enchantment in these activates, and a bunch of them unleash summon crows (possibly ravens) who will pick up the bones and fly them in different compass directions across britain. solving it means observing crows bump on trees (they're not real crows and didn't think about this) and drop the bones. if you spend the night camping in epping forest or others, the crows get stuck in a bump loop until morning and you can collect the bones. it then has an early version of the food and camping system from canada, meaning you need to dump the bones, and find fruit and sticks. on getting warrior back, there's then the puzzle of bringing him back with all available systems and hacks. on doing so there's a two week segment whereby due to not being a chatbot yet, he will monologue some stuff lying in the doctors chair - you learn about french merrymen and other things from this, finding out the world isn't unpopulated due to terminatorbunny. in the second week there's basic conversation interaction to get him various requested berrys for medicinal recipes. many of these are increasingly bad time limits and he will die, requiring chrono-cheats that you pretend to get the item, but already did so. the final day recipe has ingredients which are bot generated and you can't cheat, so on returning he used the terminatorbunny timemachine to go back and try and stop them - becoming a time paradox, that he died and you found him. in resolution of the paradox: warlock made the bones as a summon, DM completed him like jurrasic park based on request, his other organs and brain were various hacks anyway, and the stuff he said was basically made up storys to sound cool. it ends up being true in a later part, that the merry men story he told you inspires the french, so in part3 there's the paradox of going back to save him. it may be the case that because the bones are a summon, and became a real guy - he didn't die at the location and become the bones, hence the guy is some random product of communal chaos, and legendary warrior back in herculean times finds his own character, and the issue is wether you can then track him down, and if you even like each other. hmmm. in terms of part2 being feasible, snarf took a team of 30 people 4 months to develop, and the game required at least 15 cyborg commandos - there was a problem in that I set a bot design, necromancer to positivity mode in order that the devteam hang around, but they got stockholme syndrome of some sort and treated it as a person. except I would need to write plot for the commandos in which your ultimate boyfriend dreams aren't fulfilled and they have their own concerns, plus there are other similar bots who act as mega-villain and prey on you all. it wouldn't be a videogame if there wasn't a gameplay of some sort. but it wasn't a hopeless scenario, since if you did spend a year forging a farscape style respect relationship with your squad, they did eventually when the end came, defend the area in fairly heroic fashion - interesting, because the player earns this respect. problem being this respect doesn't function off-screen to other text adventure devs (featured in).
scroll digitiser (featured in: morrowind)
later versions of the 486dm could back up scrolls to the hard-disk due to the tendency they would eventually degrade. rather than materialise them again as new scrolls, the player could go through the expensive process of having them converted into hex magic via the hell-domain mail order, and then there was a process to convert these into permanent spells, which involved during order that you send the object code of a particular item to be enchanted, and on recieving your code as some kind of national lottery scratch-card - 'weild thing' 'hex blahblah' - but the later process was to have the spell extracted from the item. it was something stupid like you ran a spell to transfer the item into a pile of money(n) and there was then a probability based on the coin amount it would tranfer into your hands and become a wizard spell, if the mp used was also of a similar amount - so at a really high amount like 1000mp and 1000g this may work.
barcode barrager
roughly based on my bardcode battler, it could hold a series of hex-code cards in memory if using the action 'bcscan', so instead of enchanting a single item you could put them into this device and press buttons like the remote to activate. effectively this replaces scrolls for the self-respecting mature technomage, but running on batteries and prone to being screwed up by water, requiring a two handed weild and other things made this an option for committed nerds.
barcode jumper (featured in: katy perry)
486dm could send a hex-code of your choice into this jumper when materialised - the player respawned with it on. the point being that in a complete emergency with nothing left, the player scans the code with their eyeballs and can then for instance, teleport back out of the dungeon.
mute stud
having a stud in your tongue was becoming popular, but people were mocked for the initial period they couldn't talk. consequently the 486dm has this option in the repawn modifcations for a player, and why the barcode barrager became weapon of choice for punk-goths: at the advantage of added stats like an improved cyber-shield, they couldn't talk which disabled the usage of scrolls.
bottle rockets (featured in: mentos and dr pepper)
an early physics item, but loaded with baking soda and some other things became a standard toy rocket if you used the related action command. players set the angles via other actions, so 'rocketx' and rockety' or something and then the chemistry amount using volumetric values shot it. controversially these were recycled wine bottles and 'glassed' orcs after smashing to shard objects, as often happened in bar fights. in asking myself wether this was uncool, I decided zelda games were lying about the consequences of throwing pots around, and so it was in there for subversion reasons. the history of tam and ocarina of time satire goes back to the earliest versions prior to nintendo releasing their game, and what the dev team came up with (over 15 people) for the ancient greece map. nintendo were asking for a level of cynicism when claiming for endless years that ocarina was ultra-real simulation, but then leaving in there psycho stuff like smashing up glass. if it ofsets the odd ethics, players are most likely to glass themselves in testing the rocket.
cat costume (featured in: harry potter, example)
mostly pointless, but wearing this and looking like the lion in wizard-of-oz alters your species listing as with the piggy mask, but it hides the fact that you have an inventory, so assuming you don't carry any sheilds, swords or other large objects, the bot handler doesn't pass on the initial value of you being a warrior or enemy - more intelligent bots such as the dark wizard tend to ignore this and investigate for themselves, but others won't. consequently you can scope out a dungeon and the monsters on a given floor by walking around and not doing anything. players might not be so brave, but the chance of just being a dungeon pedestrian is near 100% if they leave almost everything in the technomage house, so for instance coins and bracelets might chink every so often - and monsters will basically take stuff from you even without being in attack mode, assuming you're part of their chain of command. you can in theory while in this mode beat up an orc commander in hand-to-hand combat, and with items such as the emerald eyes see 'matrix' objects normally set to system, such as the invisible rugby ball they throw around to issues commands. assuming you can then see invisible items and gain this, you can become the rather pointless monster leader - pointless because there's nothing to seige, but for pacifist players you can walk through many dungeon floors, and then use items like the carpet tiles to make a shortcut to the dark-wizard floor. however, like most rpg games the lack of increased stats or equipment from various methods reduces your chances of making it past this floor.
specialised nylon (featured in: ocarina of time, get bass fishing)
similar to the rope, but comes on a portable reel with finite length. you can tie it to objects and attempt to drag it out of dungeons by reeling the reel like fishing, but the nylon objects although statistically difficult to see in the dark can statistically get cut by passing orc or goblin blades. weirdly is that connect[nylon][wall] and cutting it can create trip wires for the same reason, and they tend to be good against minotaurs, but most of the time slow them down half a second rather than trip.
laser broom (featured in: wall-e)
instead of the broomstick being flyable it blasts a scan-like laser on the floor which destroys any object which is small enough and low value. it depends on the dial setting, but these objects aren't really deleted but sent to the system room 'void' and a there's an undo feature. actually, if you take the batteries out or they go flat, undo happens automatically, so it isn't really an undo. one of the purposes of this when item set correctly, is to quickly make all the gold coins on a floor 'hidden' in the sense goblins and orcs can't access them anymore. you might use a stun based weapon to knock a bunch of coins from enemies, laser them away, and then run away from the dungeon - spending this coins on mail order for stuff to upgrade yourself with. or alternatively just not kill anyone. money can be spent on all sorts of armour upgrades instead, and especially force fields of varying kinds.
dark floppy
the 486dm can back up the current config of a player, should this black 'space oddesy' style indestructable disk be put in the drive. it can then be set to boot your next respawn from the disk, but you then need at least two of these and to remember which is which, or your stats might revert back to the past. the general method is to use the safe for the best or current status, and the disk-box for old copies. in theory if any monsters are outside of the dungeon, or another player, they can steal your stuff - in this instance your soul. it isn't helpful if the other player is your mum or dad, so the safe was invented to have multiple login codes and different stuff is inside on the basis of hologram dimension partitioning of space. backups of players are highly useful should anyone with a lan segment of this game want to do goldeneye or super-mario-kart style deathmatch or other multiplayer - this being heavily designed into it over many years, but I never got to playtest it with anyone (sadface).
martian flintstone (featured in: locoroco, example, animal crossing)
this rock can be thrown or built into weapons, and it does something odd: the attack amount is really high, but the material then turns into a dust cloud object that floats around for ages until turning back into the original. if bits of the dust end up on or within various things such as an orcs face or treasure chest casing, you then need to collect dust(n) until the pseudo-bots recognise they're a completed collective again and return form. martian rock weapons are pretty much instant kill against a minotaur which is why there's only a single rock which you find in the ground. or alternatively, I believe you can cash it in at the mail order. putting this in the fridge to replicate is a bad idea, since it then may become infected with space bacteria - a feature to just generally degrade objects over time - and freezer blank object is possible, but blank replicated objects often have an existential crisis flaw and can vanish when used - on realising they shouldn't even exist. there's a chance of finding it in the everything-nothing blackhole of the washing machine - in theory the existential doubles can only exist there due to douglas adams logic. getting them back out isn't straightforward and can destroy the original.
witch wheel
since the bicyle frame is an excercise bike, the tires are a useful object - this wheel has a purpose similar to the dinner tray in hovering a bit. as with the other bike the travel ability isn't perfect, but it can be jacked up to hover quite high like a helicopter, at the ratio of 100 commands to an upward room. with less up commands it falls much quicker - this object distorting the gravitational rules a lot. for a battle-ready technomage, sticking lots of items to this can turn it into a portable war machine, but needing more up commands - machines to hack this into automated button mashing streams can make it all work.
magic doormat
if you jump on the doormat it levitates, and then the player bashes their head. used outside the immediate mission advantage is to get onto the roof and fix the various ariels and dishes. another use is in the waterfall dungeons which have a lot of vertical areas, and some additional jump-in teleports to perhaps far-flung areas of britian. one of them definitely takes you a remote part of scotland, but being very glitchy the adventure is merely to get back to normal land without having a mental breakdown, probably.
attack tack (featured in: katamari damarcy)
in the period of school I was running a bet to make the world record blu-tac ball size, and by sixth form I'd collected enough left-over bits that it was on the way to being a basketball - sort of. one of the issues being the epic amount of hair, grit and various objects that got stuck into it along this adventure, and it was a very freaky undefinable thing, like possibly it was the basis of carbon fibre, or kevlar vests, the amount of strength that a thousand bits of hair created? anyhow this odd item was put into the game, and depending on how much magic charge there was, could roll a related amount of room-squares. using the stick function, and the size of objects + rooms, it could then absorb other items along the way like a moving treasure chest. if the items made MP it would bot-cast these and give itself more MP to roll, and thus became autonomous. but then there's a likely player gets crushed by their own creation at indiana jones size, or stuck to it.
grass (featured in: release the freq)
generated tam worlds had objects such as grass(n), which is a joke about having to statistically measure the average density of grass species in biology class - so I really just wanted to make this knowledge slightly less useless. since the maps are accurate scale, the 300mb map of britain does in theory have every blade of grass there. and possibly for all the plants I put in numbers from botany books with statistical variation. since actually no - they do have chrono bots for growth... sigh... the seed generated for grass(n) and the length isn't random either. I may have stopped at listing all the grains of sand though. but a string based number system can handle it. up to 4billion digits in VB5, so yes - tam can easily track sand(n) for a wild west room if required.


bionic eyes (featured in: Minority Report) > Wisdom Oaks (featured in: Minority Report) > Roman Chain Saw (?)


^ The story of Silly Beef (and other TAM objects)

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TAM4, Adventures of


Picture is from the prototype TAM4, as found in Sinking of Japan.
The main purpose of this version was an upgrade to full screen graphics, so a variety were tested: Allegro lacked hardware information access, Direct-X refused to work properly with VB5 due to some sort of internal disupute, Direct-X wrappers made by people were unstable and probably used low level exploits, while OpenGL was fairly decent but couldn't handle the amount of objects involved for GPU acceleration.
This render appears to be from the GL version, and has visible motifs from Windows 2000 software transparency, Unreal Tournament, and also BeOS. I may have had the first hardware accelerated windowing system going on since UT was using a legacy stack for this part. However it doesn't have any clickable objects since it would stop being a text adventure system and ruins the cognitive design. Rather, there's a bunch of static stuff for frames, labels, dividers, and various existing widgets running off picturebox such as: vehicle info panels, mini-nethack, world map display, rucksack mini-game, debug and server diagnostics.
Sinking of Japan makes an effort to include a bunch of stuff that was put into Legacy.DLL; there's an extended version of the ascii 486DM API that was abandoned at an early stage due to mouse and cursor based controls affecting the cognitive model. In the end this utilised a branch of the spell system whereby you talked to the comp as in Star Trek. Windows weren't fun so these ended up being maximised 'pages' and the start bar was replaced with the dividers from my school folder, alterered to be on the left-side and represented by an asterix. Pages had something called 'action labels' whereby you typed for instance 'yes', 'no' or 'reboot' if such commands were visible on the page. At a later stage this had input labels to provide data io, a spoof linux shell with invisible input-label, and then generally speaking pages would also go sideways like powerpoint slides in order to be distinguished from the cognitive model of DOS.
Another one is a Qbasics physics visualiser. It wasn't in the main engine due to Win-2000 having a slow DOS subsystem, and 2K being more stable for VB5 college work I ended up ported everything over simply from the hassle of constantly dualbooting. Initially these were empty debug maps in which you would merely test in an isolated setting wether or not, for instance, an arrow was flying properly across space. This area ended up being in TAM3 as a sort of bonus cheatcode world.
Thirdly was the shortlived TSR-Basic version, and the point of this being that on my 286 with Windows 3.1, it could launch a bunch of different DOS programs which carried on running like a process due to 'terminate and stay resident'. The game engine was slowed in half, while the second program had a set of screens with graphs and such to check for performance. I'm not entirely sure how it accessed this due to lack of inter-process, but if I recall correctly I put some dirty assembler hacks for fixed addresses in both programs, which ordinarily DOS might not allow, but TSR was used for drivers and two bits of hardware to talk directly. The assembler syntax in this language was rather unusual, but a bit of research into the various addresses I could use for cross-talk meant it didn't do much than passing some numbers round in circles. For the debugger interface it was easier to just not have any input, and it switched between hardcoded screens via keyboard maps. It was useful to get TAM2 virtual circuits working properly and analysing the problems with feedback loops and such, which led to limiter devices and other features.
In regard to the screenshot, then the vectorised world map looks like something a five year old drew, but there's a bunch of scientific reasons: coastlines are largely defined by tidal movements, erosion and sand movement, so ordinance survey data is a maths average of these and starts to look artificial. There's also the fact that TAM4 visualises this with a vector buffer that attempts to optimise amount of lines needed and will merge them together. A lot of the reasons why curves are even working is rather shameful.
Ordinarily you needed assembler to make beizers, since The GIMP ran very badly at the time. VB5 was at least 4 times faster than Java on a bad day, but it still wasn't great, so I then searched through both the online and cd-rom copy of MSDN documentation - but in addition to finding nothing, I noted after the 200th page that a lot of stuff wasn't featured in the search function, meaning you only find out about this by ringing up Microsoft at premium rate, and after 4 hours they give you the exact page name. People then refuse to share this masonic secret since it may have cost them another hundred pounds in 'tech support'.
My solution was brute-force stress, but I rigged a VB5 program up to Win32 and it automatically clicked through all 3000+ MSDN pages, copyed the text into clipboard and then append this to a text file; 10 minutes of Johnny 5 style hyperspeed later, and this data is 70mb and needs an new indexing program better than the actual one Microsoft made - meaning I can't just search for 'math' and get a sane amount of responses. Thus it went next-gen metadata librarian.
2 days later and the data brings me to an obscure end of Win32 that appears to be the original API for Calculator in Windows 3.1. Hammering this causes XP to slow down and occasionally crash - so I open up hacker tools such as WinIce, dig deeper into what's being called. It turns out to be an old 16-bit DLL reroute with a mismash of ancient assembler and proc. The other thing accessing it was Internet Explorer: thus I had to write in documentation not to run these at the sime time, and formed part of the reason TAM4 was a reject project -- Then there's an occasional crash being called from an obscure laptop power management library, and for some reason turning the polling off isn't possible in the registry.  I then get stressed and try deleting the dll or replacing it with a decoy, both of which require the guy next to me at university halls to put my hard-disk in his tower and copy it back; for some reason XP just has a complete fit over this. Eventually, in something of an obsessive quest I break open WinIce/hexedit and manually write out the instructions doing the poll. Accomplishing it meant dual-booting my tower again, this time with BeOS since it installed the quickest. Essentially I failed to mod the DLL correctly about 15 times in a row.
The end result of having faster maths was that I could run biezer curves and also software coded anti-aliasing - woo posh - since graphics cards such as my Voodoo3 didn't come with this sort of thing, and I recall it being pimped by Nvidia. But in being software, sharing resources, I kept the beizer amount down anyway, because it was then running quite a lot more Newtonian physics calls: but after about a week writing it again for the ancient times DLL.
In order to have accurate coastlines, you then feed the ordinance survey data with simulation data, compatible with public domain satellite stuff from the MET office, and probably elsewhere - the american NASA sats were confusing to follow and deliberately complex looking. On my Pentium III at least, I would usually give it 6 hours sim time while at college, at which point you get a single microsecond snapshot of the coast that day. In order to have 1 second animation it then needs 15 days.
Neverthless, the CGI in Sinking of Japan also transpires to be TAM4. Initially this looks shit and an old version of MAYA, but it then shows a zoomed out view from space - and that the entirity of Jap is running without LOD optimisations.
In order to really do that you would probably need a Cray supercomputer, but it seems to be the case that this particular visualisation is being made by a Sony GSCube. I'm not even sure what the story is with that system, but if I have this correctly: they sent a bunch of washing machine sized units out as Christmas presents to loads of people, on the basis of being an expensive 'white elephant'. Anyone that didn't junk this by dropping it in the ocean then got a stream of never-ending christmas presents, in the form of CD-rom OS revisions with increasing amounts of TAM4 based distro. And then to an increasing amount, anyone that murdered their machine feels lifelong shame and also huge regret.
When I looked more closely at the live actors, they're made of tiny Minecraft blocks. [update: the code within my VLC media player also appears to be TAM4, and using various features in order to upscale and add persistance-of-vision, but the 'codec' similarity in Sinking of Japan causes these two to create the voxel equivalent of a moire field effect - using cubes to smooth out cubes doesn't work if the mesh is aligned wrong.]The same was true of water, and graphics on the DVD box itself. The thing which gives this away is that TAM4 lacks a lot of features for the raytracer such as transparency, radiosity or light scattering, because there wasn't any point: it was mainly to make rooms dark if they were on the opposite side of a mountain or something, and then also some clouds or occasional dragon casting down (this last one is important if you want a terrifying Smaug at some point, who hovers over your head and the darkness number starts nosediving. NO.). It then became apparent that various photonic things in this film such as the overhead projector are an upgraded super-nintendo transparency: posh.
Unfortunately this isn't a Playstation-5, since EmotionEngine is rather a lot different to some kind of 64core CPU. EE is magnetically shielded - up to 200 times faster than an ARM - has a giant 128bit bus, high speed cache and onboard memory, plus microcode is equivalent to an FPGA. There's also the fact that the chip has 12 data io ports which can be connected to each other in neuron fashion, especially useful if the fiber-optic LAN goes straight into the chipset: it makes them a unifed processor with optical computer motherboard.
Calculations state that GSCube can run a 10 Terahertz hardware raytracer, while also running a 6 Terahertz unified TAM4 kernel?
This sounds unlikely give that a single EmotionEngine struggles to run Debian Linux, however: TAM2 was heavily optimised on a half-speed 186 with kilobytes of RAM: string based numbers can fill up the 128bit bus and be shifted to or spliced around with others at pretty much hardware speed using bit-mask instructions, and then unlike Linux, TAM4 has at least 600 tuning points in order to have everything syncronised to an individual motherboard.
Auto-tuning was a feature at this point, and so the basic methodology goes: tune-point numbers are dumped into graphs, and then a secondary graph is created by taking three points; present, past, future; and making a velocity value (how much value has changed over time). It then scans the graphs for spikes above a certain level of velocity and dumps them into diagnotistic log files. In a basic-autotune it repeats this whole thing many times, but tweaking the timer value with pseudo-random seek (up check, down check, reduce area, up check, down check). Generally this needs about 8 passes but sometimes 15.
In order to do a fully non-linear permutation tune, you run a recording of a previous playthrough for accuracy (usually a random set of 4 or 5 movies) and then when a spike is reached, it cross-references the same time period on all the others and produces a 'top ten chart' of velocity values. It then does this for each spike of that particular tune-point and runs the result of these top-tens through a codeblock that does a judgement wether to use mode, median or, mean averages: which then produces combinations of these: something of an odd recipe made over multiple years and definitely better than the default version taught in GCSE maths.
Presuming you have a correlation between 'A and then B' something or other in the previous A involves motherboard/XP/VBruntime lag-up and so this point is tuned. But you then have to create chains that end up being at least 20 tune points long. The answer was merely brute-force at first, because I figured if you're running a server, then a week of auto-tune for something that runs for years seems like a good trade.
It then became evident you needed ongoing or dynamic tuning if the log-in base of the server is changing all the time, so a lot of this was self hosted in TAM and ran non-realtime.
Raytracing was the first candidate, and so the rather surreal way in which this works is that cannon-balls are shot from the sun using all the giant values involved, such as 'meters per second', meaning they do actually go at the speed of light. On cracking apart, they destroy any previous script generated by another ball and then drop a new script id-code in the room. Each of these is a future event at the end of that hour to alter or set the light value, and in most cases compiled when a player enters that room.
Photons being the size of cannon balls, at 1 frame an hour, and the light area being the size of a house - meant you could infact raytrace the planet in realtime. But this ended up being precomputed when my playtester said it might get nightmarish to be pelted on the head by invisible ghost balls all day long. Post traumatic stress maybe.
TAM4 then had a system area called Christmas (because December) which featured a bunch of elf bots reading injected timer values from computer monitor objects - writing these on letters - a bot called Rudolf that ran around in a circular tunnel hitting a switch caused monitor refresh, and an early warlock protype called Santa that strategised all the information, giving orders to put various auto-scolls on gold alters scattered around a bunch of floors named after months, with rooms individual days of the week. It was then rather surreal, but the various elves would normally swarm around a giant hall - like the new york stock exchange - and as prototype snarf, converse with each other along the lines of 'can I have that please?, 'do you know where the snow tree is?', 'yes, on the third floor'. They would also play Top Trumps with numerical values of letters and sometimes for randomisation effects play 'paper scissors stone' as to wether they trade objects. The purpose of this odd locale being to calculate in advance, various optimisations or pre-computation for busy server times such as a national holiday or weekend. 
Wether or not it worked was unknown since I couldn't find 100 or more server testers, so instead an alternative room was created: Christmas 2. This was one was intended to synchronise the Allegro or DirectX frame-rate on either end of the server-client connection with my tester. It featured a rather sparse black universe with a single star-laden doorway, and a post-it on this detailed to be 'BZ' (Santa Claus the Movie). Going inside had a replication of the room from Monty Python's Universe Song whereby I manually drew 'stars' on the walls, ironic for the following reason: the stars in TAM4 used real distance values using giant register variables that are unlimited digits long, so it was the actual amount of meters away; derived from the NASA website, and a lot of it was Hubble Telescope data junk. Ordinarily you can't rotate million digit vectors or anything, but in this case the DLL could do so at about 5 cycles per digit, and thus 5mhz or so using the shady DLL of olde. The slightly mad methodology isn't perfect and requires finely tuned anti-noise filters, which is what accounts for the extra cycles: otherwise the stars wobble a pixel or so when moving. Ultimately this was solved by using the velocity graph function in respect to the vector motion, so the statistical probabilty it would alter was less than 1% -- generally speaking, since the starfield was static anyway, the positions were then mapped and converted to smaller values for the render layer, so the ones you see are much closer, but in the underlying sim they're stored with realistic values. Accomplishing this odd accuracy involved the auto-tune system again, because it would graph the render similarity of the smaller distance, the larger distance, and their xy coordinate difference; then tuning the smaller value with random-seek as before, and using the top outcome -- nerdy as this is, so is the Monty Python song.
In the middle of the room was a wall sized Playstation2 style slab called CH2. Walking close activated hovering PCB circuit roughly based on the PS2, but the emotion-engine then became an attempt to understand matrix maths, coded as TAM circuitry: trying not to fuck this up with feedback problems, so the task was borderline impossible and self punishment.
It relates to some stuff in my university which was rather unpleasant, but one of the guys had locked me in his room to show off his 'amazing' Pascal code, and to 'teach' me proper coding. I then stated that I'd written a fairly advanced VB5 system, but he gave me a dirty look saying 'VB is for bimbos' and wouldn't let me out of the room, smirking. Eventually when I smashed on this quite a lot, and raised attention from various girls on the floor he let me out, but remarking in muted and flippant tone 'fuck off'.
For whatever reason I then decided to get drunk on a rather lethal mixture of Bailey's and Smirnoff, after which I threw up half my stomach lining in the shower room. Despite the fact that I could barely see, and my monitor was spinning in multiple directions, and typing a keyboard key took ten seconds: I managed to code a TAM bot for CH2 which was a basic Hal9000 type eye that randomly blinked at me now and again.
The thing to do, obviously, is shout 'fuck off', 'you better stop blinking or I'll delete you motherfucker' and 'I can still use a mouse, don't test me mate!', to the extent that nobody talks to you for the following week. This may relate to several people in our building being Counterstrike champions, considering themselves 'hard'.
On the positive side, TAM4 may also be useful for a Japanese nuclear reactor, if people can still code emergency routines while barely functional: head trauma, room on fire, falling over everywhere, and choking on flames. The fact that this works shows the multiple years of design involved.
I don't remember the CH2 working, or perhaps I may have shredded the hard-disk while half passed out and 'nuked' my XP installation. Exactly what it did is a mystery to me, due to being in some kind of obsessive trance for 3 days in which I didn't sleep or eat, and was drinking Red Bull and Vodka.
It seems to be the case that someone had better PCB skills and I'm guessing made a cross-cpu syncroniser for alternating microcode. So it would then be some kind of shapeshifter t-1000 blob of FPGA type circuits, which seems appropriate to the game plot.
I'm also quite sure that the GScube has some kind of equally dirty analogue hack for the fiber optics: like it can spin actual photons around in circles via digital repeaters, and combine the ray values together. Applying this to the TAM4 raytracer would then create a very organic looking noise for stuff like human skin. Unfortunately for the Playstation5 I don't think the customerbase of this would tolerate a digital-analogue hybrid?
Yeah, so the whole thing happened anyway because Collosal Cave and such became extinct, and probs because japs-girl don't like old mens dying. As the million dollar man saying: WE CAN REBUILD YOU. And/or as Sony Robocop stateth, 'You're still you... Alex' / 'Theres nothing left argh!'.
There's honour or respect that the thing is still Collosal, and TAM4 is strict that the game is entirely keyboard command. Like - should you move the FPS mouselook, it actually just fires 'rotate 1' a bunch of times; then in order to cut down on message buffer, velocity average is used, ie. 'rotate 45' is a clockwise turn, and in actual fact when tied into the persistance-of-vision and accurate camera perspective (from photography manuals, as with light) looks more 'real' than Half-Life or others.
Playing the game is totally good without gfx, so Murphy is still Murphy IMO:
target hoop
pos target
[ hoop: x(10.7) y(2.4) m ]
throw . 45 100
get ball
Descriptive text got stripped out and basically doesn't work due to the screen design. In exchange, the help-book as a modification of the 486dm is pretty much a minature Google Chromebook, and features a built-in novella application. The idea of this being that players can read through a fully prose-based 'first quest', and the avatar is then on their second quest in realtime. I suppose the problem for control-freak dungeon masters (Comic Book guy) is that players can read someone elses novella for material instead. It wasn't considered a problem, since at the time of authorship there were at least 50 species of orc across various types of game - and something people did already, to 'hot-swap' imaginational context. Alternatively for information on caves and mountains people can read a textbook or go to Wales for the weekend; most of it being free for the public.
Tokenisation: it increases the amount of action by around 100, fully switchable to turn based modes and pondered over for an hour like chess. Gloomy shadows or dripping water are bots, meaning the dungeons don't have to be linear and revisiting an area isn't dull or samey; generally you spent most of the time in text adventures ignoring old ascii.
Eventually NPCs are conversable in English, can wage fairly complex skirmishes and whatever else. There's physics, elemental systems, scrolls, magic, complex-function weapons, player biology, maps the size of planets, vehicles - mountable animals such as horses. Circuitry and scripting better than Half-life and Unreal Tournament; kinetics / timing better than Super Mario Kart and Bomberman - time travel, realistic automated ecosystem stuff like trees and bushes. Clouds, wind, lava, ice, rain, sunlight...
It wasn't really possible without masses amounts of corp, and there you go: robocop lives. It can also be worse and things were lost, but I'd also be happy to play a new Zork type game if it wasn't crap.
I think they're a bit mad to turn this into a CGI system, but in regard to not being sent a GScube for Xmas: there's ritual shame in it being the size of a washing machine, and national dishonour that a lead product in a particular category (collosal cave) has been disrespected. Mostly it comes down to the interface timings and layout logic being very kung fu.
This movie states it was made by committee, as a lot of Japanese products are - but anyone that ever went through a committee project might tell you it can take a year to accomplish a weekend's work. TAM4 was made on a slightly different process: the devteam went on imagination holiday to Ibiza while dumping me with all their homework for 8 years; then being wasted on imaginary drugs and forgetting this homework ever existed,  making me a giant loser.
owain - producer
credits: Minecraft, World of Warcraft, Halo, Skyrim
peter - ai and landscapes
credits: Perfect Dark, Timesplitters, Far Cry, Just Cause, Halo, Fortnite, Roomba
royce - economics, ballistics and physics ( ? Rolls Royce)
credits: bitcoin, Half-Life 2, Littlebigplanet, Steam
nev - techno beats director
credits: Rez, Advance Wars, Dance Dance Revolution, Singstar
simon - comedy
credits: KOTOR, Portal, Oblivion, San Andreas
william - map and weapons designer
credits: Mario Kart 64, Fzero-X, GTA Vice City, Gran Turismo, Mario 64
joseph - narrative dungeon master
credits: Portal, KOTOR, Morrowind, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask
ben - entertainment editor, photography
credits: Youtube, Google Images, Snapchat, Instagram
bobby - interface designer
credits: Facebook, Twitter, Google, RSS
Aeysha - Languages
credits: alexa, cortana, google translate, babelfish
kristy - commands editor, puzzles, mazes, ecology (Royal Air Force)
credits: Zelda 3+, rumble pak, SMS, SHA encryption, animal crossing, GPS
mark - distribution and media
credits: world wide web, mosaic, internet explorer, firefox, chrome, HTML, CSS
i-war fanatic - wargames and astrophysics
credits: unknown
Mr Wife - LAN & Server developer
credits: bit-torrent, iplayer, youtube, cloud storage
Mr Slark - Logistics
credits: tomtom satnav, iTunes, renderware
Mr Green - Boss Design
credits: portal, KOTOR, Morrowind, Half-Life 2, Metroid Prime
Annabel - Help System
credits: blogger, myspace, nintendo wii, nintendo ds
liz - psychology
credits: portal, half-life 2, kotor, brain-training
Sharon - Database
credits: google, linux, cortana, alexa
Gary - Multiplayer Combat
credits: Quake 3, Unreal Tournament, Halo 2, Fortnite
Mackenzie (cat) - Executive Producer
credits: social media, smartphones, asimo, 4chan, kindle, HTML5, Weyland Corp
home: japan
hardware: Sony GScube, Cray Supercomputer
industrial: Japanese nuclear reactor, Japanese government geology
pros: molecular physics, plantlife, ai, data analysis, photon processing
cons: lack of raytracer features such as radiosity, transparency and scattering
demo: Sinking of Japan
home: england
hardware: oscilloscope analogue circuitry
industrial: uk national grid
pros: CAD, geometry, hair, clothes, equations, animals
cons: large grass, diagonal scanlines, colour frequency issues, eyeball movement
demo: You've Got Mail
home: italy
hardware: Beowolf Xbox clusters
industrial: F1 racing
pros: high colour range, large geometric quantity, level of detail landscapes
cons: Lack of raytracing, limited shadow colour range
demo: Prometheus
home: america
hardware: ibm blue-brain
industrial: biomedical research
pros: skin transparency, human organ simulation, skeletal animation
cons: small raytracer area, lack of animals
demo: Breaking Bad
home: germany
hardware: amiga
industrial: typhoon fighter-jet
pros: air dynamics, fog simulation, high frame-rate
cons: monochrome colour based, fixed camera properties, flat shading
demo: Skyfall
>_[note: intro sequence for Skyfall is some sort of super-cgi variety show. the one in which bond stares at their own shadow appears to date from around 1910 and originally a laser turret. I feel fairly sure that Churchill built a larger one of these disguised as a spotlight, but entirely dedicating to saving himself while allowing London to get trashed. However, this bond visage is very noble in laser-scan firing the shit out of the ground and pondering some ancient greek philosphy along the lines of: your only enemy is a shadow you cast. In attempting to find TAM4, the second photo of bond is different to the first and his eyebrows are MET office wind diagrams, while his eyelashes a mutant breed of palm tree. Essentially this is what happens when you rear kids on Greenpeace and Earth Song.]




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"They need to have a Bond intro where Bond is doing something mundane, like making a cheese sandwich or cleaning his bathroom."


"This is by far my favorite opening to a Bond film ever. I mean how can you top this? James Bond gets shot in the chest, falls 100 feet off a bridge, sinks into the water, and then we get the first lyrics of the song, "This is the end". Of course, then 20 minutes later it turns out this wasn't the end, but god damn, talk about a hook."


"i used this song for a dramatic scene while im leaving the last day at my university."


"I'll be honest. When I first saw this movie I thought these were the credits."


"Who else thinks the lyrics to this sound like something about nine eleven like “Skyfall” and how we will “stand tall, face it all, together” against terrorists. It makes me feel bad about the skyfall part and good about the stand together part"


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On 03/02/2019 at 06:57, Soulstar said:

Shit got real upon returning today!!!



It might help if Pete could communicate properly. Like UN meetings or something.

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TAM4 and the HEX WARS >


The smallest font in this showed up in OSX as geneva. I made these in the 90's as hacked up Microsoft truetype - the default fonts have privileged cycles and can't be swapped out with others because [after 8 weeks of reverse engineering during a summer holiday - had lots of time because I fell out of tree onto concrete, shut the curtains and locked myself in my room like 'phantom of the opera'] it has a primitive iris-scanner in the GDI layer *after* being processed, which utilises barcode style ratios of black and white with various angular and shape patterns. It meant the fonts were protected from not being readable text in an industrialised setting, but like a dictatorslag it then gives itself 4 times more Intelx86 wealth than anyone else (probably more).

Helvetica > Hulkataka [ was used to create Games Workshop window posters because the Space Hulk campaign didn't have anyone sign up, so with an official head-office looking poster all the snobs and their mates join the game. in this sense we kinda cheated, but on being told most of the fashion-gurus traded copies of the font on floppy for IRC pots of paint, like especially the snot green for goblins. in this screen from Sinking of Japan it has the perfect mix of coolness to keep you looking at the screen, but pragmatism to have you actually read stuff. all about the window posters - bearing in mind that in the town centre at this time I was competing with a thousand other such things, and also fliers, general junk mail. one of the reasons for trying so hard is that GW staff member went to loads of effort with his campaign and even on shitty low pay, made a black tablecloth with spraypainted stars and the odd painted planet or sun, which looked awesome]


tahoma > tamixa [ loosely based on my Timex watch, and a work of philosophy about the 9 and 6 digits on clocks having rotational symmetry, at least in concept. For mine, it looks like I've been lazy and inverted either the 6 or 9 in MSpaint, until you realise neither of these is the original. Holy shit... where is the beginning of reality, time and space?! But in any case this minor cognitive difference makes it easier to identify on a busy debugger screen that it displays time units and not something else. the other design elements are all about the spacing. the name of this sounds like a 40K ork saying 'da mixer!' which is some sort of thing about fatboy slim or the prodigy being the coolest people ever known, at that exact time. everyone wanted to be a DJ and live in Ibiza or some shit.]


courier new > courager nuke [ this font helped Owain scare his little sister into staying out his room, because it looked like official government fonts for dangerous shit. Well, it worked for a while until she was older and the poster was clearly a make-believe thing, and that his room really wasn't a biohazard zone like at the end of ET (she may have cried sneaking in to steal his CD collection). If I remember correctly, it was also used by Royce and William, who utilised it for a custom screensaver that appeared to do a countdown to a massive nuke explosion or somesuch, if the mouse was moved. We decided to watch from out the opposite window one time, and his little brother did go screaming to his dad, who found the whole thing awesome being a practical joker sort. but apparently this font does look good or has practical use in a nuclear power plant? fair enough.]


arial > ULTRA [ based on the Ultra64 logo, it was intended for colour gradient Publisher posters using Wordart, but I couldn't get this running on my 286 at all and decided to use the Amstrad PCW with daisy-wheel printer. The point being I was trying to make a gamer 'zine (magazine leaflet thing) to put at my local rpg game shop, along with some other peoples. This project went pretty far and had some decent ASCII art to stand out from the pro-printed stuff, but I couldn't be bothered to make one every month, or at least one person generally couldn't write 30 articles a month without shortcuts]


times new roman > neutron man rhymes [ made for a rock band logo, which ended up being a generic Oasis/Beatles cover outfit. Mostly this turned into mess when it turns out three artists types agreeing on anything is borderline impossible, so I don't know how the Beatles managed this. Did they even?]


Anyhow these fonts ended up running in TAM4 using an Intel simulator running old Qbasic assembler - you can probably still find this on a Geocities archive or something? But the module worked relatively okay for highly linear operation code, like A becomes B according to a transform process. The code in the middle was called BL, or Body Language, after the game Body Harvest and possibly... Ian Beale in Eastenders buying half the businesses like a vampire fuck eating the soul of London? But at a later point during drama, my teacher does basic meditation and Karate Kid philosophy with us that 'body and mind are one', and thus BL ended up meaning: Body Language, Brain Language, Bot Language, Byte Launguage, Battle Logic and possibly others : byte summarisation because an Amstrad 186 is really dire at everything, so it cuts down on the command buffer processing.

BL was okay in the context, and at uni I was able to rig a research 64bit Pascal compiler which didn't make proper executables - without the OS header and footer it only created the 'body', and was thus useful output to put into Body-Language / BL. It did work, and even with the overhead better than built in VB5 functions, many of which seemed to have decoherance in the performance range due to internal arguments or lack of team-work at Microsoft - I think? So anyhow, this can probably be studied with VirtualPC for OS9, but timing based code that depends on the motherboard, such as a Windows NT kernel / Win32 in general will screw up. Generally you run these bits of linear operation such as rendering a font at X Y, colour etc -- tie it into the TAM4 command structure as BL_TT_Font_Render or whatever, and then run an auto-tune on the addition. If it happens to be the case that you add hundreds of new functions using BL, then it needs an extensive permutation tune, and depending on what the system is or the requirements... might take 6 months of hand-tuning it, and a long systems analysis cycle. But - you can recycle old industrial code for Dos, Windows 3.1 and various others. And as for running 64bit, this is basically an accident due to circumstances.


Interesting subject matter, but possibly as a second attempt I can figure out the DOS header format and run a basic emu for POSIX systems. This makes it much more useful than a lot of virtualisation software, since you can presumably then run these as BSD commands and have them integrate into the system as a hybrid PowerPC/Intel whateverthefuck. In theory you can run Half-Life 2 on my eMac, assuming I could make an entire motherboard simulator that doesn't suck balls.



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On 22/02/2019 at 08:06, morcs said:

I feel like this thing @centurion is building has to be impressive even if it's just purely due to the amount of effort he's putting into talking about it.


It's all bollocks.   If you actually take any paragraph and actually check out if he's saying anything factual he's not.   Just more spam from an unwell mind. 


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