"Should my husband spend less time playing video games?"

[Vimster]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/apr/29/you-be-the-judge-should-my-husband-spend-less-time-playing-video-games

 

The Graun has a piece here with an exasperated wife stating her husband just sits on the computer playing games when he comes home from work every day "immersed in a fantasy world". She wants him to spend more time with her and their children. The husband stated he does his share of the housework, does homework with their sons and only then gets on the games. He likes the fact he can switch off after work and not have to communicate with anyone, that his wife talks all the way through films, and he felt his wife was resentful that he was enjoying games with his son. 

 

The panel of Guardian readers come down somewhere in the middle, feeling both sides needed to compromise a bit. 

 

I've often read on here comments from people in relationships talking about having to grab an hour here and there on a game, playing after their partner has gone to bed, enjoying games with their children. It's interesting to think about how people try to get the balance right, especially as even after all these years gaming still has a stigma that, say, reading all day doesn't have. 

 

Personally I am single and live on my own, I can literally get up on a Saturday morning and play games all day, although I do this less and less these days, but when I have been in a relationship I've had fully negative "games are for children, why do you do it?" to having some great local multiplayer. Mind you it's a bit easier when you're not sharing a home with all the responsibilities that go with it. 

 

Going back to the original link, if that's what the guy does to relax that's fair enough, doesn't sound like he's shirking his responsibilities in the home, but there's definitely a lack of communication on both sides. 

 

You be the judge. 

[Ste Pickford]

Pretty sure the Guardian wouldn't be running that article if the husband was spending all his spare time reading books.

[chris on the moon]

It sounds like a miserable relationship 

[SozzlyJoe]

Usually these articles have a implicity clearly unreasonable person ('my flatmate washes his balls in the kitchen sink') and in this case I fear the husband is being set up to take the fall here. I have some sympathy though. Gaming is a hobby you can sink a basically indefinite amount of time into, it can be pretty exclusionary for your family I guess. It's also less tolerant of interruptions than reading or watching films, especially if you are playing online with no pause. And if you are chatting away with people it's a bit of a slap in the face too I guess.

 

I'm married to a non-gamer and I get around it by staying up stupid late. But it sounds like he gets shit for that too. Poor guy!

[Benny]

This just comes down to the great morass of media pundits always trying to be the custodians of what are the most "worthy" ways to spend your time, because the idea that anyone might be enjoying themselves in life much more than them in ways that they don't understand or approve of is enormously existentially scary to them.

[SozzlyJoe]

Just now, Benny said:

This just comes down to the great morass of media pundits always trying to be the custodians of what are the most "worthy" ways to spend your time, because the idea that anyone might be enjoying themselves in life much more than them in ways that they don't understand or approve of is enormously existentially scary to them.

 

I don't think this is the case here to be fair, there's a long series of these articles and they're about all sort of things.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/you-be-the-judge

 

All super middle class concerns of course!

[Benny]

To be honest the url says it all though: "you be the judge". As if passing judgement is a worthy end goal in itself, in whichever ill informed way it's reached

[SozzlyJoe]

I think it's supposed to be light hearted fluff, it appears in their saturday magazine print edition. If you read between the lines you can really sense some miserable relationships though, so it's kind of a downer.

[Vimster]

11 minutes ago, Ste Pickford said:

Pretty sure the Guardian wouldn't be running that article if the husband was spending all his spare time reading books.

"He gets in from work and picks his bloody book up, I try and get him to help in the kitchen and he's all 'let me finish this chapter', and when he gets to bed he's reading into the night, it's driving me up the wall!" No you wouldn't see that in the Guardian. 

[Ste Pickford]

1 minute ago, Vimster said:

"He gets in from work and picks his bloody book up, I try and get him to help in the kitchen and he's all 'let me finish this chapter', and when he gets to bed he's reading into the night, it's driving me up the wall!" No you wouldn't see that in the Guardian. 

 

"Immersed in a fantasy world"

[Majora]

I read this before and voted the husband being guilty but really it sounds like there's probably a load of missing context and that both are likely contributing to the situation. If he spends every weekday playing videogames while his wife sits watching TV in another room on her own then that sounds pretty shit. If it's a few times a week I think it's fine. It gives the impression they don't really spend a lot of time together and while his wife's argument is that she doesn't play games with him because she doesn't enjoy them, which is fair enough, his argument for not spending more time with her is that she talks too much during TV shows and movies which...isn't really.

[Vimster]

Just now, SozzlyJoe said:

I think it's supposed to be light hearted fluff, it appears in their saturday magazine print edition. If you read between the lines you can really sense some miserable relationships though, so it's kind of a downer.

I got the feeling there were underlying issues with that relationship that went beyond a bit of gaming in the evening, for sure. Presumably he has always been into games, maybe was when he met his wife. Maybe he plays games not just to switch off from the work day but to avoid other issues. The games definitely are a symptom, not the cause of their frosty relationship. 

[Captain Kelsten]

I think she sounds horrible and ungrateful and he’d do well to leave her

 

Man does half the housework, all the cooking, supports their son with his homework and she still finds things to moan about? 
 

Tbh it sounds more like her version of time together = both doing what she wants to do (I.e. watch soaps). 
 

Relationship sounds sour AF. 

[SozzlyJoe]

Of course the answer is to get the kids mad into games, and spend the whole day playing the games with them, occasionally throwing in an odd loud remark about how "what a pity mummy doesn't like games". Life is a battlefield.

 

(Note: this is not the answer)

[HarryBizzle]

Marlene should be put to death for talking throughout movies.

[SozzlyJoe]

I mean, we naturally side with the husband as it's our hobby too, but I suppose him expecting his life to continue unchanged after getting married (albeit once he has worked off his duties, like it's a job or debt he has to pay down) is a bit of an unrealistic aim for him. I guess it's one of these 'cut it in half' problems, where he gets 50% gaming time, 50% talking through TV shows time.

[Fry Crayola]

I empathise with the guy as I'm a pretty solitary person who needs time alone to recharge, whereas my wife's more the opposite, but we just chat together about our needs rather than let it play out in some sort of middle class, print-based episode of Jeremy Kyle.

 

Of course, she doesn't want a conversation halfway through an episode of Better Call Saul, so maybe that's the point of no return for this sort of thing.

[Benny]

1 minute ago, SozzlyJoe said:

I mean, we naturally side with the husband as it's our hobby too, but I suppose him expecting his life to continue unchanged after getting married (albeit once he has worked off his duties, like it's a job or debt he has to pay down) is a bit of an unrealistic aim for him. I guess it's one of these 'cut it in half' problems, where he gets 50% gaming time, 50% talking through TV shows time.

 

So the solution is obvious: to join both TV and gaming activities with both of them, cut the son in half.

[K]

I dunno. Relationships shouldn't be transactional. It doesn't really help to say "well, I do half of the housework and help my son with his homework, so it's fine if I retreat into my videogame world and ignore you the rest of the time". Doing the housework and supporting your kids should be the absolute bare minimum, you don't get extra credit for it.

 

I don't think you can draw an analogy with books here because in this specific case, part of the problem is how noisy the games he plays apparently are, and how aggressively, stereotypically blokey and nerdy they are. And in general, games are really time-consuming and addictive, especially if you subscribe to something like Game Pass or play something like Destiny 2 or Apex Legends or Elden Ring, or anything that demands all of your time and more - either through giving you little nudges to complete daily / weekly challenges, or through being so utterly vast.

 

I think this sentence by the gamer man is quite telling:

 

Quote

 

Marlene may complain, but everything that needs to be done for the family is done first, and the gaming comes second.

 

 

It doesn't seem like it is coming first, because she's clearly unhappy with being sat on her own in one room while her husband sits along in the next room. And again, it feels very transactional - I'm fulfilling my obligations, get off my case. Ultimately, the guy just needs to spend more time with his wife. It doesn't matter whether or not games are a legitimate pastime or not, the problem is that she's unhappy. It would be the same if it he were obsessed with watching Dogme '95 films or building model trains or painting. Although I'd probably bet that gaming causes more of this kind of problem than painting or building trainsets, purely because games demand more time than anyone has and are instantly rewarding, as opposed to partners who are ultimately much more rewarding, but require a lot more effort and emotional articulacy.

[Qazimod]

Neither side looks particularly great (it's the same counter-argument we have when discussing parents who should monitor the gaming time of their kids; grown-ups are the ones who should act responsibly and agree boundaries), but "I have absolutely no interest in computer games, but sometimes I’d like the boys to come into the sitting room and for us all to chat together while watching a film" comes across as a bit silly. Who says you can't chat together whilst playing a game?

 

(And besides, surely films provide much less time to chat since you're paying attention to plot developments? I watched The Matrix Resurrections with others recently and we were just quietly exchanging bemused looks half of the time  )

[the_debaser]

Quote

The defence: Jim

After work I need to switch off, but I only play after I’ve made dinner and helped our son with homework

I have to admit, I do love playing my video games. They require zero concentration, are lots of fun and I don’t have to communicate with anyone. 

He plays Musou games, doesn’t he?
 

In that case, of course he should spend more time with his family. 

[Luseth]

To me I see a number of things that stand out -

 

- Some jealousy of the father, he has a hobby that he share's with his son but she doesn't....

- She wants them to sacrifice time spent with their hobby to come and spend it on her's but there is a reluctance from her to also sacrifice time with her hobbies to come and join in with theirs....

- When she say's she wants them to spend time doing other things (family time) she seem's to be somewhat disregarding the fact she just goes into her own room of an evening and watches tv... (How is their hobby any different?) If she was suggesting they get together and play board games or something that is different....

- I think she is approaching it the wrong way, if she wants to spend more time with him, maybe find something to entice him to do just that, they could go out for a family meal or to the park or even spend time in the garden. Why has it all got to revolve around media?

- It's not all her though, he doesn't seem particularly bothered that she's not happy its more a case of well I do my bit now leave me alone.

 

I think just based on that articles, he doesn't really like her.... So maybe they need to reassess their relationship...

 

[SuperFamiTom]

I don’t know what the answer is, what I do know is that I feel extremely lucky not to be in such a position. 
 

No kids here, just a dog but if I get heavily into a game then my partner wouldn’t have a problem if I proper smashed it for a few nights because on the flip side there are other times where I barely play at all. Likewise if my partner wants to do things that don’t involve me for a bit that’s fine also because other times we do things together. 
 

Perhaps not having kids makes all the difference but I can’t imagine having to stop up late to play games or ask permission. We’re both adults who want to spend time together but not every waking hour so there’s never an issue. 

[Captain Kelsten]

Joking aside I reckon, and I may be wrong here, but I reckon if they had the ability to sort it out between them, she wouldn’t have felt the need to take it to the court of popular opinion in the Guardian…

 

There are clearly other factors at play here that are manifesting as/what is perceived as an unfair amount of time playing games. 

[moosegrinder]

Feeling like you have to begrudgingly acquiesce to your other half's desire to do something you hate isn't the basis for a healthy relationship. Most of us have been there. If you're sacrificing all other things to solely play games then you need to wind your neck in. If you're berating someone for doing something they enjoy that doesn't involve you then you need to do the same.

The simple answer is don't be with someone who wants to control your free time and DEFINITELY don't have children with them. 'course, it's usually too late by the time you've realised this.

[Graham S]

Quietly reading a book on the sofa is less disruptive to everyone else in the lounge. If a game is on the telly, I'm definitely monopolising the lounge, and it's not great for everyone else. The noise coming from some games is less pleasant in the background than music or TV.

[ChewMagma]

He should just get a Switch, then he can sit with his family inanely chatting over films AND play videogames. Job done.

[chris on the moon]

24 minutes ago, K said:

as opposed to partners who are ultimately much more rewarding

Assuming that they actually like each other.

[Azrael]

Any goodwill i had for Marlene immediately died when it became clear she talks during films. Jim should get some headphones though  

 

My ex-girlfriend hated videogames, I was in one of my phases of not being too interested in gaming at the time so didn't effect me too much. Apart from Pokemon Go, she'd always roll her eyes or make a snide or judgemental comment whenever I loaded it up. But then would spend hours playing some shitty match 3 or sliding pieces puzzle game on her phone. 

 

When I got with my current girlfriend I made it clear that I wouldn't stop playing Pokemon Go because I was quite miserable when was playing it less to appease my ex, she was totally cool with that and then went and downloaded it too so we can do it together. She doesn't mind or comment on me playing Xbox/Switch and I don't saying anything about all the crap TV she watches (the soaps mainly). Works out pretty well. 

[moosegrinder]

22 minutes ago, Graham S said:

Quietly reading a book on the sofa is less disruptive to everyone else in the lounge. If a game is on the telly, I'm definitely monopolising the lounge, and it's not great for everyone else. The noise coming from some games is less pleasant in the background than music or TV.

 

The obvious solution is to have 2 TVs in the lounge.