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Games that lose you at "hello"


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33 minutes ago, deerokus said:

This used to be a marker of janky but interesting Japanese games. From software pre-souls and the like.

 

These days it denotes low-rent Unity games that won't run well and look like shit. For example, My Time At Portia.

 

 

Yes thank you! I kept trying to work out a certain incongruity with this opinion. And thats why! It's used to be a mark of a certain quality.

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Any driving game that has 'quirky' voice overs and intros - which seems to be the fucking lot of them, unless we're talking about hardcore PC sims and Gran Turismo. Double grate-points if they're British. The later Burnout games just about got away with it because they were presented as being so in-your-face US of A.

 

I just want to play your game and drive a fucking car. I don't want to have to listen to your bollocks attempt at presentation, especially if you're trying to teach me how to navigate a menu. Fuck me.

 

And fuck off.

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On 01/11/2021 at 16:21, Zio said:

Games that make you download updates inside the actual game itself. I've seen a few of these, but the standout one for me is Street Fighter V on the PS4. You load it up for a quick game, but no, you have to wait there whilst it downloads a thousand updates. And no, you can't play something else whilst they're downloading, because you need this game open in order to get the updates. Just download and install updates in the background like all the other games do FFS! I've played this one maybe 3 times, because usually I load it up, it starts to download updates and then I quit out of it and play something else.

 

I pre-loaded MS Flight Sim.

 

What it actually did was download a 500mb "Installer".  So I couldn't play on day 1.

 

I left it open overnight on night 1 to download, it silently failed somewhere in the middle of the night and junked everything it downloaded.

 

I've still not played MS Flight Sim.

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- That Destruction All-Star Arena or whatever it's called on PS5. It's annoyingly quirky with these exaggerated characters and narrators and before the first match was over I had my fill. I spent longer downloading than playing.

 

- A game that's not confident in it's own design which leads to NPC's talking to themselves about the state the world is in so I as the player can hear that the moment I pass by. Oh no, this poor farmer just talked to himself how bad the weather has been and how the village is going to starve to death. Now I understand what's at stake, thanks game. Oh look, an NPC whose part of the bad guys telling himself how his boss will rule the world when he finally gets his hands on that very rare and secret gem. Thanks game, no need to write a proper story with believable dialogue eh, this'll do just fine.

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On 01/11/2021 at 11:28, El Spatula said:

Oh tweeness as well. Can't stand it. Even you Mario. Take your woohoo and shove it where the sun don't shine.

 

If you never grew up thinking Mario was amazing (I had computers rather than consoles until the nineties), then Mario can look and sound absolutely awful, and very few other people will share your opinion. I detest the character. (I think Donkey kong is the best game he appears in.) Other than the occasional Mario Kart I've not liked anything else I've played with him in since Donkey Kong Jr. At work maybe a dozen years ago some of my colleagues played the footy game at lunch time every day for ages. The audio damn-near drove me insane. Just an endless stream of "woo-hoos" and similarly inane utterings for an hour every day. 

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On 01/11/2021 at 20:20, deerokus said:

This used to be a marker of janky but interesting Japanese games. From software pre-souls and the like.

 

These days it denotes low-rent Unity games that won't run well and look like shit. For example, My Time At Portia.

 

My Time At Portia is a lovely game (if you ignore all the bits that are bloody awful, which admittedly are big parts of it, but they're ignorable - I managed). (It ran just fine for me though, and that was on a dreadful old computer.)

 

Pleae don't hold Unity against anyone making games. There's a lot of shit out there that it has enabled admittedly, but there's an awful lot of good stuff too. Democratising game development means that some folk who don't know better get to make games, regardless of whether they know a good font from a bad one. I use Unity, and rip out or ignore most of the stuff that's default (as do lots of folk - if you consider yourself an artist why would you use default?). If it wasn't for the splash screen you wouldn't know many games were using it.

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On 31/10/2021 at 09:37, Jarik said:

Red Dead Redemption.

 

Everyone was hyping up this game, so i got it cheap preowned.  I loaded it up, it was running on the title screen... & I couldn't even bring myself to press start.  I didn't want to be a cowboy.  The game was just totally uninteresting to me.  Turn off, uninstall & returned it to the store & I didn't even pretend any interest in the sequel.


This really made me laugh. 

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Modern racing games. The whole open-world nature between actual races is a huge turn off. The last true and great racing game I played was PGR4 which I loved.

 

But having not played a modern racer and having a craving, I picked up one of the Forza’s a year or two ago to try and scratch that itch. I was forced to drive around somewhat aimlessly and then to somehow signal to another car that I wanted a race. After farting around with a few buttons to no success and even trying to ram into the fucker to somehow get the race to begin, with no success, I gave up and turned it off.
 

I would love someone to explain why and when such directionless and pointless messing around succeeded the concept that simply choosing the type of race and track from the menu and beginning the race. 

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4 hours ago, MarkN said:

If you never grew up thinking Mario was amazing (I had computers rather than consoles until the nineties), then Mario can look and sound absolutely awful, and very few other people will share your opinion. I detest the character. (I think Donkey kong is the best game he appears in.) Other than the occasional Mario Kart I've not liked anything else I've played with him in since Donkey Kong Jr. At work maybe a dozen years ago some of my colleagues played the footy game at lunch time every day for ages. The audio damn-near drove me insane. Just an endless stream of "woo-hoos" and similarly inane utterings for an hour every day. 

 

I think you've nailed it. I never had a Nintendo console until the N64 and therefore have no nostalgia whatsoever for the characters/games/tropes. I just find almost all of them irritating beyond belief and am continually bemused by the praise. 

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3 hours ago, kthxbliz said:

Modern racing games. The whole open-world nature between actual races is a huge turn off. The last true and great racing game I played was PGR4 which I loved.

 

But having not played a modern racer and having a craving, I picked up one of the Forza’s a year or two ago to try and scratch that itch. I was forced to drive around somewhat aimlessly and then to somehow signal to another car that I wanted a race. After farting around with a few buttons to no success and even trying to ram into the fucker to somehow get the race to begin, with no success, I gave up and turned it off.
 

I would love someone to explain why and when such directionless and pointless messing around succeeded the concept that simply choosing the type of race and track from the menu and beginning the race. 

Sounds like you picked up a Horizon title instead of Motorsport. The former is the open world racer and the latter is the track racer, which sounds like what you were after.

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1 hour ago, JPL said:

Sounds like you picked up a Horizon title instead of Motorsport. The former is the open world racer and the latter is the track racer, which sounds like what you were after.


well it was a few years ago. But I remember when I did some brief initial research I did discover there was two different Forza’s. I picked the one that I felt was most likely to resemble PGR4 in gameplay terms. I do prefer a more arcade racer vs a more realistic racer. Although many true arcade-racers of the older generations felt too arcadey. For me, PGR4 was pretty much the perfect balance of what I’d call a realistic arcade racer. 
 

i have yet to come across a worthy racer which strikes the same balance. Avoiding the open world crap would be the cherry on top, 

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4 hours ago, El Spatula said:

 

I think you've nailed it. I never had a Nintendo console until the N64 and therefore have no nostalgia whatsoever for the characters/games/tropes. I just find almost all of them irritating beyond belief and am continually bemused by the praise. 

My first experience of Mario was in Super Mario Bros. at the arcade in Clacton back in the late 80s, then a bit of Super Mario World on my brother's SNES. Can't stand the character (or the games) and the fact he's shoehorned into so much makes it very easy to ignore Nintendo consoles (which I have.) 

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7 hours ago, kthxbliz said:

Modern racing games. The whole open-world nature between actual races is a huge turn off. The last true and great racing game I played was PGR4 which I loved.

 

But having not played a modern racer and having a craving, I picked up one of the Forza’s a year or two ago to try and scratch that itch. I was forced to drive around somewhat aimlessly and then to somehow signal to another car that I wanted a race. After farting around with a few buttons to no success and even trying to ram into the fucker to somehow get the race to begin, with no success, I gave up and turned it off.
 

I would love someone to explain why and when such directionless and pointless messing around succeeded the concept that simply choosing the type of race and track from the menu and beginning the race. 

 

I play FH obsessively and I never bother with racing other AI like that but it's a single button it puts up across half the screen so if you can't see that I'm not sure how you successfully navigated the retail store you purchased the game at.

 

But it didn't take over, most racers are like you want. There's very few open world ones, 7 of the 11 Forzas are exactly like you want.  But do you have the same complaint about say, Fallout or Skyrim? It's only like that vs Doom.  Some people, a decent number, actually like driving so having it in a driving game is a good thing, Forza H is about open world exploration just like Skyrim.  Forza Motorsport is about what sometimes feels like grindy personality free racing just like your preference is.  And even then you can fast travel most of it.

 

It became a minority but successful sub-genre because people like it.  But just like Skyrim didn't kill Doom, Forza Horizon didn't kill Forza Motorsport, Project CARS, Dirt, Grid, Assetto Corsa, rFactor, Onrush, Ride, MotoGP, Nascar or Dangerous Driving.

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Even before the "HELLO":

 

- when the marketing emphasises "biggest open world! [y] times as big as [x]". I read "we have all this big empty space without content"

- "roadmap". I read "buy our half-baked product now and we might add content later"

- the promise to support the product for [x] amount of years. I read "you best buy our product now and make it successful, if not you do not get any content down the line"

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Pretty much everything Anime. 

 

I used to love JRPGs back in the day but i just can't stand the characters in them now because of the voices. 

 

It why 16bit unvoiced JRPGs are the best. 

 

 

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12 hours ago, deerokus said:

When a game is marketed like this. I'm too old.

 

 

FB_IMG_1635900639873.jpg

I remember a time when you'd see an artist with a name like Lil Tecca and you'd expect some banging 90s-style boom-bap hip-hop, but now it's that weird rattling hi-hat nonsense that passes for hip-hop these days (Grandpa-Simpson.jpg)

 

With you there though, it's all about the streaming now and any PR that uses a streamed tournament event is turning me off. 

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1 hour ago, Ry said:

Pretty much everything Anime. 

 

I used to love JRPGs back in the day but i just can't stand the characters in them now because of the voices. 

 

It why 16bit unvoiced JRPGs are the best. 

 

 


Its the big breasted skimpy costume wearing school girls for me. 

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On 02/11/2021 at 11:33, Fallows said:

Any driving game that has 'quirky' voice overs and intros - which seems to be the fucking lot of them, unless we're talking about hardcore PC sims and Gran Turismo. Double grate-points if they're British. The later Burnout games just about got away with it because they were presented as being so in-your-face US of A.

 

I just want to play your game and drive a fucking car. I don't want to have to listen to your bollocks attempt at presentation, especially if you're trying to teach me how to navigate a menu. Fuck me.

 

And fuck off.

 

Oh god yes.

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6 minutes ago, mexos said:

Oh god yes.

 

"Hmm, what's this garage icon do? What possible use could a garage have in a game about cars? I sure wish there was a voiceover to help me out!".

 

It's like they're designing their driving games for people who've never played a game before and also don't know what a car is.

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9 minutes ago, Fallows said:

 

"Hmm, what's this garage icon do? What possible use could a garage have in a game about cars? I sure wish there was a voiceover to help me out!".

 

It's like they're designing their driving games for people who've never played a game before and also don't know what a car is.

 

All Forza, Horizon and Grid / Dirt games probably have lots that I would find fun in them but like feck am I sitting through all that dude crap to get to it.

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On 02/11/2021 at 11:33, Fallows said:

Any driving game that has 'quirky' voice overs and intros - which seems to be the fucking lot of them, unless we're talking about hardcore PC sims and Gran Turismo. Double grate-points if they're British. The later Burnout games just about got away with it because they were presented as being so in-your-face US of A.

 

I think there was a certain era, maybe with Burnout or NFS, where you'd select an event - a tournament, a league, or whatever - and you'd get a "trailer" of the event with a voiceover telling you what you're in for whilst you watched flyby shots of tracks, or something. But then you'd skip it within a second and figure things out on your own.

 

Also - whichever Forza game had Jeremy Clarkson voiceovers. Fine, great, I'm still skipping it.

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On 03/11/2021 at 15:41, Qazimod said:

I think there was a certain era, maybe with Burnout or NFS, where you'd select an event - a tournament, a league, or whatever - and you'd get a "trailer" of the event with a voiceover telling you what you're in for whilst you watched flyby shots of tracks, or something. But then you'd skip it within a second and figure things out on your own.

Oh god this.

It started in the PS2 era, when EA had I assume just started getting to grips with focus groups - that I suppose had participants who never played a game before, and were only joining the groups because they couldn't get a job anywhere and wanted the 50-quid cash in hand attendance envelope. I imagine the participants lied about their experience and knowledge during the recruitment process, spoke shit in the groups, and the rest is history.

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4 hours ago, Dudley said:

 

I play FH obsessively and I never bother with racing other AI like that but it's a single button it puts up across half the screen so if you can't see that I'm not sure how you successfully navigated the retail store you purchased the game at.

 

But it didn't take over, most racers are like you want. There's very few open world ones, 7 of the 11 Forzas are exactly like you want.  But do you have the same complaint about say, Fallout or Skyrim? It's only like that vs Doom.  Some people, a decent number, actually like driving so having it in a driving game is a good thing, Forza H is about open world exploration just like Skyrim.  Forza Motorsport is about what sometimes feels like grindy personality free racing just like your preference is.  And even then you can fast travel most of it.

 

It became a minority but successful sub-genre because people like it.  But just like Skyrim didn't kill Doom, Forza Horizon didn't kill Forza Motorsport, Project CARS, Dirt, Grid, Assetto Corsa, rFactor, Onrush, Ride, MotoGP, Nascar or Dangerous Driving.


i don’t really appreciate the judgemental condescending tone in your reply to be honest. 
 

And you obviously didn’t read my response to the other reply. 

 

I don’t want a super realistic racer. PGR4 was a real sweet spot for me. I’d be delighted if someone can point out a racer with a similar balance between arcade and realism, and one which has no open world farting about. If there is one out there, I’d be interested to hear. 

 

Thanks.
 

 

 

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