The Apprentice 2023

[sir podger]

the lunchbox task had an unerring start, when the combined remnants of the contestants did a very good impression of the Borg hive voice when saying good morning to lord sugar.

 

i've noticed that this year the 3rd party designers used in tasks are producing some utter shite, are they limited to word 97 clip art only?

 

I think we need a few new show ideas so here is one from me

 

new show 1

 

Lord Sugar turns up and begins his pitch. "for Karen to be taken seriously, she always has a face like bulldog chewing a wasp, she achieves this by actually chewing wasps. Due to brexit she cant import her favourite brand from Germany at a reasonable price any more. i want you muppets to go out and get a months supply of them for her"  - this would provide a new take on a clueless crew desperately running round in a fish out of water environment, which is what we really all crave from this show

[Sidewaysbob]

I think they should all be given a new product each and then take it from the design stage to market and the winner is the one that actually makes money. 

 

So they have to chose the right thing to sell, a high value item that's complex, or a cheap mass produced item.  Work with suppliers, marketing, retailers. etc 

Show what it actually takes to create a business and make it successful. And not as happens now, demonstrate how shit a librarian is at designing a baby food meal. 

[glb]

Was thinking something similar during my latest hate-watch of last week's episode. Take, for example, the actual business ideas, and then track each candidate developing their product over a course of challenges/milestones ready for a final presentation. Could have actual experts along the way feeding back on each idea's progress, and perhaps derive dismissals from their input. Maybe there are certain time-based goals etc that need to be met in order to progress, otherwise you're at risk of elimination.

 

Basically a fusion of Dragon's Den and actual business development leading up to their presentations that is much more aspirational to viewers, rather than getting a load of fuckwits to ponce about haggling over an old Abba record or trying to design a product in half an hour and then everyone wondering why it's shite. At the minute the show is about as valuable as a corporate away day, albeit with a snappier runtime.

[Gotters]

41 minutes ago, Sidewaysbob said:

I think they should all be given a new product each and then take it from the design stage to market and the winner is the one that actually makes money. 

 

So they have to chose the right thing to sell, a high value item that's complex, or a cheap mass produced item.  Work with suppliers, marketing, retailers. etc 

Show what it actually takes to create a business and make it successful. And not as happens now, demonstrate how shit a librarian is at designing a baby food meal. 

 

that sounds a lot like an ITV rival show called Tycoon from years ago where people developed their own product, it had Peter Jones from Dragons Den as the host, was meant to be a rival to Apprentice. Don't recall it getting a second series.

 

every week I get cross at the setup to make the idiots look like even bigger idiots on this - Tim last week sneering at the teams apps as they didn't compete with commercially available products - now I'm not au fait with the lunchbox and partner app market but I suspect those that commercially exist took longer than an hour or two to be created.

[Art Vandelay]

The secret to all successful products – from electric cars to overnight cream for middle aged women – is a robust set of brand principles based around pirates. 

[Sidewaysbob]

You mean designing a car that you could download  ... I'm listening

[Fierce Poodle]

Avi and Mark as PMs… guaranteed shitshow.

[GwiDan]

It continues to be absolute nonsense. 

[K]

I love the two experiences they’ve got on offer - prison with a magician, and the really shit school trip. 

[Stopharage]

This is absolutely top tier Apprentice. This is going to go down as an all-time classic. 

[Art Vandelay]

The prison experience of sitting in a very sad looking waiting room whilst getting a spittle flecked bollocking if you ask to go to the loo or are having a medical emergency actually looked value for money. Seemed deeply unfair though that the budget fayre at ye olde town looked banging and the alternative at the jail was actual prison food for more money.

[Sidewaysbob]

The prison experience looked absolutely dire, and yet no one wanted their money back... unbelievable.

 

I'd have given them win regardless because it was all so stacked against them from the beginning. 

How can you set a price for the tickets when you don't know how much the food/entertainment etc is going to cost up front? Sir loin going on about adding up, but they had no idea how much the magician was until he tried to rip them off for 500 notes. And having already promised the magician they couldn't then tell him to fuck off. 

 

Sure, not setting a time that the food would be ready was crap. but they still feed everyone. eventually.

 

Why am i watching this ... why ???

 

It makes me angry every time I think about it !!!

[Fierce Poodle]

Jesus Christ, this Venom thing is a fucking shitshow. I cannot believe what I am watching here.

[Art Vandelay]

This is a hall of famer episode. I’m actually worried this fucking snake thing is going to literally kill me I’m laughing so much. Jesus wept.

[Mr Do 71]

Absolutely hilarious again.

[Fierce Poodle]

“Looks like someone’s crapped out a mint Aero”

 

[Fierce Poodle]

Double firing lets gooooo

[K]

The snake thing is fucking mental. It’s like the version of Sex Panther they sell down the market. 
 

This season’s really gone to town on humiliating designers by forcing them to work on these terrible ideas and showcase their worst work. The brief must be to engage in malicious compliance at all times. 

[Art Vandelay]

It’s hilarious to see how quickly one terrible notion snowballs into such profoundly awful products, with absolutely everyone powerless to change its course once it’s in motion. As soon as he said the word snake it was going to be a thin greasy lawnmower lubricant, housed in a battleship fleshlite, because that’s all it could ever be. 

[SimonG]

Somehow managed to watch this by accident last night for the first time in literally years.

 

Fuck me, is this really the future of UK business or have they actively recruited idiots because they make good TV? 

[neoELITE]

I came up with this in about 20 seconds. No fancy Adobe InDesign, back of an envelope/biro.

 

[Gotters]

I don't even learn the contestants names anymore. Every year it slips more into parody.

 

I'm quite obsessed with fluffy eyebrows, she seemed to wake up at 4am and they were already fluffy, do people use eyebrow wax and have them set up like that all the time.

 

Somebody must have told trout pout before that whenever she is under the slightest pressure she pulls in her chin and does a Mrs Slocombe from Are You Being Served face. 

 

Still only one week of normal tasks left before the traditional final 5 interviews, which is always the best show of the season. 

[Art Vandelay]

They've definitely changed the way the designers work though. Previously they'd be allowed to add some flair to the instructions given, whereas now they just digitise whatever panicked scribbles they get presented. When you get a glance at the screens too it's all being pulled off really bad stock asset sites and paired with system fonts. I've literally never heard of any of the agencies from the last few series as presumably the exposure to risk balance is way off now. It's definitely made it possible for something like Anti Venom Long Lasting Face Stain to exist though, so I'm all for it.

[neoELITE]

28 minutes ago, Gotters said:

I don't even learn the contestants names anymore. Every year it slips more into parody.

 

I'm quite obsessed with fluffy eyebrows, she seemed to wake up at 4am and they were already fluffy, do people use eyebrow wax and have them set up like that all the time.

 

Somebody must have told trout pout before that whenever she is under the slightest pressure she pulls in her chin and does a Mrs Slocombe from Are You Being Served face. 

 

Still only one week of normal tasks left before the traditional final 5 interviews, which is always the best show of the season. 

 

Mrs neoELITE tells me they're laminated. And yes, that is a thing. What a World!

[Gotters]

6 minutes ago, neoELITE said:

 

Mrs neoELITE tells me they're laminated. And yes, that is a thing. What a World!

 

what a time to be alive, something like that is considered trendy and old un's just see it as a slightly more groomed Denis Healy 

 

[Sidewaysbob]

I can't believe they are actually using proper design agencies, because even i could do a better job of designing a box with MS paint than that snake effort. I would die a thousand shames if i had to knock that anti venom logo up and stick it on anything to be seen by human eyes. 

Surly you would go "No, wait lads, that's just shit, let me suggest a few corrections" 

 

And why does nobody say in the board room "Listen buddy, we came up with a complete design and marketing pitch in the space of an afternoon! What exactly were you expecting the quality to be like ??" 

[wullie]

I love how people from Boots are saying how they've used ANTIVENOM and now their skin is turning green, they're about to pass out and they can no longer count past 7, and Avi's response is 'can we put you down for a million units?'

 

 

[Gotters]

4 minutes ago, wullie said:

I love how people from Boots are saying how they've used ANTIVENOM and now their skin is turning green, they're about to pass out and they can no longer count past 7, and Avi's response is 'can we put you down for a million units?'

 

 

 

That's just another example of the program setting people up to fail though in no win situations - of course the product was utter shit but if he didn't try to close a sale Brady would be sneering like a particularly bad turd had been placed under her nostrils saying 'you don't take no for an answer and have to keep pushing', if he does try to close a sale he's then derided for being a twat and not listening to the clients.

 

Now you aren't in that situation if you have a nice product of course, but again they get given 30m with some uncooperative mute to design the whole thing, and are all high on their own egos and performing for the camera and to give themselves some defendable comment or input for the 50/50 chance of being in a boardroom shootout. 

 

The format is utterly fucked.

[wullie]

Karren and Tim have cracking jobs in this. Follow one team and put a hat or some goggles on, pretend to take notes while grimacing and shaking your head theatrically, call them all worthless twats and laugh at Alan Sugar's jok- actually, god bless them for the last bit.

[Art Vandelay]

I'm glad they've locked down that thing where they could tweak the product to appease the buyers though as that was rubbish. There's been instances previously where they'd basically promised to deliver an entirely different thing for cost price and secured a 20 year contract for 8 billion units a quarter. in some mental land of make-believe.