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The Apprentice 2022


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If it was ever really good, it went to complete shit once it became ‘business plan’ rather than give them a proper job (which was highly debatable in itself).

 

Since then it’s obviously been about getting a bunch of twats to do stuff with no rhyme or reason to pad out the run of the show until they get to the few plans that might be viable.

 

But who wants to see Sugar in anything these days? He’s a complete scumbag, so fuck him and anyone and anything connected with him.

 

 

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very disappointed last night that a turd based product failed to materialise

 

the highlight for me was that lord sugarlumps failed to recognise how important the branding and look of the drink were, and tried to chastise whats his face for doing the design with "why wasnt you at the tasting" when monster energy is proof that you can shift pint sized cans of hulk piss with a brand that attracts the audience it's targeted at.

 

Shame we didn't get to see this seasons obvious wierdo have a proper meltdown/spectacular failure as opposed to being let go for being bland.

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I thought the vodka brand was actually genuinely good. Whatever they produce in the time will always look like something they've got crates of piled high in B&M, but as an initial stab at something it had an idea. I thought Sugar's criticism of what team the PM decided to be on was daft as whatever he did would have been wrong. 

 

The task was so boring though. There's always one where a few people need to add random chemicals into a concoction with pipettes under time pressure. I bet the producers were steaming that no-one ordered 18 gallons of plutonium instead of a thimble of tap water like they usually do.

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These 'make a commercial product' tasks are always a bit random. The boardroom bit usually ends up with them suggesting one team have won, at which point Karen announces that one of the buyers has ordered eight hundred million crates of ShytStayne Delicious Blood Drink, to the other team's one crate of International SuperFluid: M-Cat Flavour. It seems completely arbitrary.

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I think it strains credibility a bit as realistically – and I'm saying that to be generous, in absolutely no way would deals like this occur in a million years – someone like ASDA aren't buying boxes of suspicious fizzy drinks by the hundred weight from some bloke in a pub function room. I worked on a brewery launch that took about 12 months of relentless hard work, and even then the company struggled to break into the market of selling beer to pubs.  If we were dealing with any kind of reality the result would be nil-nil every single week. They could maybe decide it on who could keep down as many cans of their drink as possible perhaps. I'd watch it.

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People throw around terms like "switch off your brain TV" maybe a little too much but I basically have to force myself into a corpse like state for an hour a week for The Apprentice. And I think the first two weeks of this series are about as much as I've laughed at TV this year. You have to really train yourself to take things completely at face value. There are moments each week where my brain starts giving me things like; 

 

"well if you're going to wake them up at 4am they're going to be tir-" NO! DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! YOU ARE A CORPSE!

"you work in this industry, adverts take days of planning before you even get into shooting- " STOP! THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT! NOTHING MORE! BE MORE CORPSE!

"Alan Sugar is directly contradicting himself mid sentence and is a bad perso-" IT DOESN'T MATTER. NONE OF IT MATTERS. CORPSEY CORPSEY ENJOYEY APPRENTICE!

 

It's basically that awful cereal with the marshmallows in it. Shite branded as something vaguely more. If you can stay corpse like there are some very very very funny moments where people make things that look like poos to enjoy but if not it's simply not for you. 

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On 21/01/2022 at 14:10, Art Vandelay said:

I think it strains credibility a bit as realistically – and I'm saying that to be generous, in absolutely no way would deals like this occur in a million years – someone like ASDA aren't buying boxes of suspicious fizzy drinks by the hundred weight from some bloke in a pub function room.


Maybe The Apprentice is really part of a reality TV multiverse. Those supermarket reps are actually taking part in another show in another dimension, where they’re having to prove themselves good at replenishing stock at a steal in order to impress Jimmy Sainsburys in the hope of becoming assistant to the regional manager.

 

”We got a great deal on some turd toothbrushes. Three batches for a pony. Lined up some tins of waz juice, and got a line on a basket of fish. It’s gonna be a good year.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

'Why are these two games that have been shat out overnight a bit simple and boring?'

 

In the end it just seemed to come down to who had better branding since no-one could reasonably expect either game to actually be good.

 

This episode was full of the type of moments I complained about before where the contestants are doing literally nothing other than trying to complete the task they've been assigned yet the show sneers at them for no reason.

 

Clearly both teams were told they had to do motion capture for the advert so why does the show play 'silly' music and show Tim and Karen pulling faces when they literally have no choice but to do it (and really didn't do anything wrong)?

 

Yeah, I don't know why I'm still hate watching it either :coffee:

 

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12 hours ago, glb said:

Did Sugar have a stroke halfway through that firing? Was a weird ramble.

 

He always sounds copy and pasted. At least three times he says "and it's for that reason... I'm struggling".

 

"Artic" though. FFS.

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On 16/01/2022 at 11:26, Fry Crayola said:

I also wonder to what degree rules constrain them. By this point in the show's run any competent contestant should be aware of how often the marketing and design teams fail to align, and so should use their initial period to dictate the key points. 

 

But they don't, either because they're all as incompetent as the show tells us, or because they've been told they're not allowed to.

 

I agree.

 

They are always going to do badly because you can't just create a compelling product and brand from scratch in 24 hours particularly if you are not an expert in the field. 

 

But I do wish they would give the contestants a bit more chance of success. Video calls between the two sub groups as often as they need, proper collaboration. Not just split into two teams and reconvene 24 hours later to see what happened. 

 

The end result is always going to be a bit crap but I'd like it if they at least gave the contestants a chance to do a good job. I actually think it is more interesting to see both teams do well rather than watching one team design a turd inspired toothbrush or be asked to create a vodka, lime and soda except without the vodka. 

 

It would also be better to do away with the nonsense that Majestic are ordering 1000 shit beers to sell to unsuspecting customers and instead just ask the experts to award the teams marks out of 10 for their efforts. 

 

I actually much prefer the tasks where teams have to select a product and sell it to the public as that is at least broadly genuine regarding success and failure. 

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10 hours ago, Majora said:

'Why are these two games that have been shat out overnight a bit simple and boring?'

 

 

my thoughts exactly!

 

Mr I know technology, he bought the most popular computer in the UK at the time and butchered it, launched arguably the world's shittest console, claimed in 2005 using all his industry acumen to say the ipod would be forgotten in months after its release, and lets not forget the great bit of tech straight out of a 1950's vision of living in 2000 the emailer phone.

 

I have to admit the lady who was adamant for an eco themed videogame really just didn't get it and it was delightful to watch. insisting her eco message would win through against actual entertaining games because of THE MESSAGE!!!!

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I would love to see the background challenges faced by third parties who have to work with the apprentice candidates

 

"great news team! We're going to be on TV!"

"awesome!"

"on The Apprentice"

"uhhhhh"

"right, so we need a poker competition to find out which two employees have the best poker face, remember, you will be face to face with morons who think they're geniuses, if you cringe when they tell you they actually believe the earth is flat and mars bars come from mars you will fuck the show up. Pete, you are out, you're a massive grammar nazi and will give the game away. Also we have I.t. coming in to disable all spelling and grammar checks on the studio systems this week so double check any content made in there."

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The construct of the teams being in at least two different places and not really being able to communicate with each other is pretty cheap and boring now. It doesn't even really produce that many entertaining cock-ups, just sort of flat versions of everything. It's so rare now that anyone produces anything actually good, which is why last nights was frustrating as that prison game actually sounded alright you know. The name was maybe more decent than it was given credit for, the story was good, the character was thought through, and then it never becomes anything as they've got a lunch break to create a working videogame. 

 

Thought it was a bit unfair to slag the team leader off for picking what was clearly his team's best idea and not stubbornly stick to his guns. For me that's great management, but in the cutthroat world of Sugar's boardroom that makes him a big pair of knickers and worthy of a dressing down. He seemed genuinely demented during that segment though so hopefully he didn't take it personally. 

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I do wonder what the various design agencies you see on the programme get out of it. I struggle to imagine why you'd agree to appear, as it's hardly going to be showcasing your best work; the agency who did the Artic game in this episode had a nice lingering shot of their office when the team arrived, which is then followed up by them making the worst game ever with an awful logo with a huge typo in it. I can't imagine they'd win much business off the back of it.

 

I would hazard a guess that they're either a fake agency, or just desperate for work. 

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2 hours ago, Thwomp said:

 

He always sounds copy and pasted. At least three times he says "and it's for that reason... I'm struggling".

 

"Artic" though. FFS.


It was more the Wordsworth gumpf.

 

When I had my TIA I started babbling about lighthouses not being where they should before passing out. Lack of blood flow to the old thinkbox is a trip.

 

(watching back think it was a really hasty edit, but did look weird all the same)

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2 hours ago, K said:

I do wonder what the various design agencies you see on the programme get out of it. I struggle to imagine why you'd agree to appear, as it's hardly going to be showcasing your best work; the agency who did the Artic game in this episode had a nice lingering shot of their office when the team arrived, which is then followed up by them making the worst game ever with an awful logo with a huge typo in it. I can't imagine they'd win much business off the back of it.

 

I would hazard a guess that they're either a fake agency, or just desperate for work. 

 

I know a couple of people who've worked at the agencies they've used so they're definitely real. They generally tend to use the branding departments at big advertising companies from what I can see. There was one in the last series based in Farringdon I was offered a job at years ago, and their office space was like a timewarp from the Trocadero in 1997. PS2 stations dotted about and you entered the building through a big flashing neon escalator tube. I guess they're just the kind of places that see any exposure as being good for business? Probably a laugh if nothing else.

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Sugar's rambling before firing someone has always been there but he's done it so many times now that it's starting to look like early onset dementia (actually, he's quite old so it wouldn't strictly be classed as early onset). He's throwing in lazy phrases such as "I'm struggling with this one," "and for that reason," and "regretfully" like one of his own company's automated telephone robots. Ironically this was something he wanted to put into Room 101 when he went on it.

 

I would've played that Time game if it had been developed by Arkane Studios. But with a 4 year dev cycle and budget.

 

 

 

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