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Where Is The Sun In Your Eyes

 

To a young lady

 

                                                                                                          Where is the sun in your eyes
                                                                                                              Was it dry
                                                                                                              Or raining inside

                                                                                                          Outside the window
                                                                                                              You walking alone
                                                                                                          Under the moonlight
                                                                                                              Of the dearest zephyr
                                                                                                              You standing in silence

                                                                                                          Where hidden your cheery smile
                                                                                                               Was it tired
                                                                                                               Or blue in your eyes

                                                                                                           Look at the shining stars
                                                                                                              They’re bright as your eyes
                                                                                                           And the night
                                                                                                              Colorful as your mind

                                                                                                           Keep dreaming
                                                                                                              And keep smile
                                                                                                           I like the sunshine in your eyes

 

 

 

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17 minutes ago, ZOK said:

I like it. The English isn’t correct, but so what, that just adds to the charm. 

 

Well done!

Thank you!

In some lines I feel the incorrect one sounds better than the correct one.

But in some lines I know the grammar isn't correct but I don't really know how to make them right.

Could you please tell me?

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17 hours ago, JLiu said:

Where Is The Sun In Your Eyes

 

To a young lady

 

                                                                                                          Where is the sun in your eyes?
                                                                                                              Was it dry,
                                                                                                              Or raining inside?

                                                                                                          Outside the window
                                                                                                              You (are/were/‘re) walking alone
                                                                                                          Under the moonlight
                                                                                                              Of the dearest zephyr.
                                                                                                              You (are/were/‘re) stand (ing) in silence.

                                                                                                          Where (is/was) hidden your cheery smile?
                                                                                                               Was it tired
                                                                                                               Or blue in your eyes?

                                                                                                           Look at the shining stars
                                                                                                              They’re bright as your eyes.
                                                                                                           And the night,
                                                                                                              Colourful as your mind.

                                                                                                           Keep dreaming,
                                                                                                              And keep smiling.
                                                                                                           I like the sunshine in your eyes.

 

 

 

 

This is better English, in terms of spelling, grammar and with a choice of options depending on what tense you intend.

 

I don’t think it makes it a better poem though. Personally I’d just spell ‘colourful’ with a ‘u’, and play around with the punctuation.

 

EDIT: I don’t know why the positioning has gone haywire, sorry!

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5 minutes ago, ZOK said:

 

This is better English, in terms of spelling, grammar and with a choice of options depending on what tense you intend.

 

I don’t think it makes it a better poem though. Personally I’d just spell ‘colourful’ with a ‘u’, and play around with the punctuation.

 

EDIT: I don’t know why the positioning has gone haywire, sorry!

Thank you so much !

I have showed this to my friend last month and she said she likes it.

But maybe she also laughed at my poor English? :facepalm: Who knows hahah

Thank you agagin:)

And Happy Valentine's Day:)

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The day quickly passing by,

And we do waiting for the night.

All can be done in the night is,

Nothing but wondering.

Is tomorrow a good day

For joy ,or a day

For waiting?

Never will we know.

But we do waiting for a day

To wait for the night.

 

 

Sounds kinda psychiatric

Just something stupid in my messy mind

Totally meaningless

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On 14/02/2018 at 15:20, JLiu said:

At which hour

wake from love’s sweetest dream

wilt thou,

the blossom of friendship

wither as well ?

 

 I'm trying a Shakespearean style...

 

To my friendship haha

 

This sounds authentically Shakespearean. I would advise though that you put some moves on your friend in addition to the poetry.

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3 hours ago, Plums said:

 

This sounds authentically Shakespearean. I would advise though that you put some moves on your friend in addition to the poetry.

Thank you:)

Tbh I'm not quite sure if "at which hour" expresses exactly what I wanna say.  I thought about "when" at first but Shakespeare didn't use this word.:omg:

And thank you for your advice but I know me and her, let's say, impossible :(

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