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RLLMUK F1: Season Lucky 7 (Spa, 3rd December, 9.00pm)


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RLLMUK F1 Season 7



Round 1: Abu Dhabi - November 5th - WINNER: MARMITE

Round 2: Texas - November 19th - WINNER: JOYCE

Round 3: Spa - December 3rd

Round 4: Jerez - December 17th

Round 5: India - January 7th

Round 6: Suzuka - January 21st

Round 7: Singapore - January 28th

Round 8: Brands Hatch - February 11th

Round 9: Korea - February 25th

Round 10: Interlagos - March 4th

Teams and Drivers:

Ferrari: Marmite and Meerman Jr



Ah, Ferrari. If Ferrari were a wine, they'd be a Chateau Laffite. If they were an album, they'd be Dark Side of The Moon. If they were a lawnmower, they'd be a Captain LeChuck Dragonslayer, available now from all Welsh branches of B&Q. An RLLMUK F1 grid without everyone's favourite red car amongst a selection of no other red cars wouldn't bear thinking about, and this season they mean business.


There's not much you can say about Marmite that hasn't already been said. The pleasantly chipper chap from London makes every other driver want to hate him because he effortlessly manages what they often can't, and then makes them feel bad for wanting to hate him because he's so popular amongst the paddock. The combination of Marmite and Ferrari is an interesting one - a bit like a cheese and chocolate sandwich. Will it work? You'd be a brave man to bet against it.

Meerman Jr

Midway down the corridor at the entrance to Ferrari's Maranello factory is a small dent in the wall with a frame around it. Closer inspection reveals that this is a celebrated landmark of Meerman Snr's time at the team, and that the dent is shaped like a fist. The team obviously missed the Dutch influence so much that they hired hotshoe newcomer Meerman Jr to take over where his brother left off in what could be a potentially explosive partnership.

Red Bull: Joyce and Picasso

Red Bull


Let's face it; Red Bull are about as popular a team as Manchester United, or George Bush and Tony Blair. Once the hub of fun and entertaining press releases amongst the paddock, these days they seem to spend most of their time being smug and finding ways of rubbing the other teams up the wrong way. Will their driver combo this year tow the corporate line, or heroically rally against it and make Red Bull a likeable squad again?


Joyce's matter-of-fact nature and can-do attitude won him an army of fans amongst northerners and the elderly alike last season, and his performances on track obviously caused Christian Horner to sit up and take notice at what a Joyce/Red Bull combo could do on circuit. Stirringly quick and spectacular, the only thing that can stop him from impressing further this season is if his daughter manages to jam a small toy under the throttle pedal, causing him a spectacular shunt.

Picasso of Pain

Sliding into the second Red Bull like a hotdog coming to rest in a greased bun, Picasso of Pain returns to Milton Keynes to a much different team from the one he raced with to much success in Season 4. 'It's like returning to an old girlfriend, except finding she's grown up and become slightly more boring' the Welsh Canadian hybrid racer is alleged to have mused over his cup of steaming cold coffee one morning recently. When not driving, Picasso enjoys building full-sized boats out of 80's fad toy Stickle Bricks and sailing them down the Thames until the plastic leaks and they sink. This hobby is rumoured to cost riverside rescue services upwards of half a million pounds a year, and greatly contribute to chemical contamination of the surrounding water.

Mercedes: Kiroquai and Captain LeChuck



The team with the ninja star badge underwent an amusing Season 5, in which jocular chums Rice 'Cheese It' Kingford and Mood 'Good Luck' Mon spent the entire year ripping this piss out of themselves, the car, the team, the sport and generally everything, much to their fans' unbridled joy. Both have now left for pastures new, leaving the doorway open for yet another emotional reunion and an intriguing new arrival.


One of the most up-and-down drivers on the grid, Kiroquai spent Season 6 getting regularly caned by his team mates, finishing outside of the points in China after a shitfest of a drive and then ending the year with wins in the last four races he took part in. Ross Brawn, brow furrowed with a note of caution, quipped 'it depends which Kiroquai turns up for us this time - the good one or the unmotivated one. If it's the latter he can fuck off again'. This quip was later upgraded to an official comment when it was realised he'd said it sincerely.

Captain LeChuck

Completing what is possibly the most emotion-driven lineup on the grid, Captain LeChuck's arrival at Brackley bears seeds in his temporary trip to the factory a while back to interview his new team mate. 'I got talking to Ross Brawn' mused the Welshman 'and said I'd give him a lawnmower that would treble the efficiency of his gardener at only a fraction higher the cost of our main competitors. You just can't fuck around when it comes to your garden, you really can't'. Is rumoured to have got off on the wrong foot with Kiroquai when, asked to bring whiskey to a team meeting, he failed to realise that the Banbury lad actually wanted Bourbon and instead turned up with an Irish Malt. Awkward.

Lotus: Mexos and Meerman Sr



Lotus, now only the second-most hated team on the grid due to Red Bull's efforts and the disappearance of Dany Bahar from management, are under pressure this season. Why? Well, cast your minds back to Season 4. During that year they managed to piss off their two drivers - one of them cool as ice, the other as furious as a volcano being given a wedgey - with a car that was, to be frank, a proper fuckbox. The new management has done enough to convince both that things have changed, but be sure in the knowledge that if they haven't there'll be hell to pay.


There's no doubting that Mexos was a rejuvinated man last season, to the point where he once ran down the pitlane to lend Captain LeChuck a spare steering wheel after the Welshman had dropped his own down the team toilet by mistake. On-track his performances were often sublime, mixing it brilliantly at Silverstone and Spa, winning in Canada and being set fair for another at Monza until his car fell into a mildly alarming black hole and vanished. If given a good car he could prove a strong challenger anywhere. Is also set to provide thousands of television viewers minutes of pleasure with his own series of cheese and jam making lessons, set to be played during safety car periods or bits where the races are a bit dull.

Meerman Sr.

The sky outside was grey, and the wind blew rain steadily against the window on the top floor of Meerman Sr's multi-million pound windmill. The contract from Lotus was on the table, but something was... wrong. He picked up his novelty syrup waffle phone. 'Listen Boullier, here's the deal. The money is okay. I am pleased you think my driving talents are right up there with the best. But no pre-race ham and cheese toasties? No. I will return to Holland and make a living breeding turtles, I warn you'. Thankfully Lotus chief Eric Boullier quickly agreed to the Dutchman's request, meaning one of the most enduring team mate partnerships in RLLMUK history could finally be reunited, much to the joy of fans and fellow drivers alike.

Sauber: John0 and Snowman



Obviously concerned that their two superb drivers were bringing too much attention to their bright white car in Season 5, Safe Ol' Sauber decided to paint their car like a 2010 HRT this year in order to try to blend in with everything again. Sadly they then went and undid all of their mundane work by signing the same two superb drivers, who return to the team arguably even better than when they left. Make no mistake, this team has potential written all over it. Or it would have if the team hadn't lost the fucking stickers.


Winner of two Season 6 races, John0's signing for Sauber was in doubt up until the last minute after it transpired that his Japanese television reality show 'Being JohnO' had become so fervently popular amongst the youth of today that he was legally obliged to remain in the country for the next thirty years on an endless haircut modelling tour. Thankfully sense and a lot of money soon prevailed, and with the roaringly polite support of the land of the rising sun propelling him towards Switzerland he heads into this season as a real threat for wins and podiums.


Offering competition to his team mate that's sure to be stiffer than a 3-day old slice of pizza you've just found round the back of the sofa, Snowman took his much-deserved first win last season at Hockenheim among several impressive drives. Never one for the glamour and fame of an RLLMUK F1 driver lifestyle, he is also rumoured to run a pub in Berkshire, a newsagent in Northamptonshire and a small fishmongers in the charming village of Stockton-on-Tees, always turning up at the last possible moment, doing a superb job and then mysteriously melting away again until his next shift is due.

McLaren: Myoozikk and APKing



Last seen dominating Season 5 in a manner that convinced the powers-that-be that sweeping rule changes were needed for Season 6, McLaren have reacted to the loss of their two drivers by doing the only thing they could do: resurrecting one of the greatest partnerships RLLMUK F1 has ever known. Martin Whitmarsh, in a rare moment of competence, uttered 'this could be very optimal indeed. Very fucking optimal indeed'.


You only had to look at the jealous glances that Myoozikk gave the McLaren drivers from his Lotus on every grid in Season 5 to know that his heart was still at the team he took to two RLLMUK F1 championships, and you can only imagine his excitement at his return to his spiritual home. 'You can't even imagine my excitement at this' was his rumoured comment when asked, before he locked himself in his studio to mix an epic and emotional 6-hour motivation loop set to prepare him for the season that lies ahead.


Whisper it quietly, but Meerman's position as King Pimp of Dutch motorsport is under serious threat this season. Not only does he have his brother to battle in a Ferrari, but also his uncle in a McLaren too. Albert has shown some epic signs of improvement recently and it is now no longer a surprise to seem him challenging for serious points, so expect him to continue this upward trend in his quest to troll the living shit out of his nephew.

Force India: Rice Kingford and Moodmon

Force India


An official press release from the Force India team has been released on the news of their new driver lineup. It reads as follows: 'Sahara Force India are proud to TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL'.

Rice Kingford

Kingford, who is believed to have invented the spoon, the colour yellow and the sense of smell amongst many things, heads into this season after a dynamic run last year when he just succeeded in beating his rival Moodmon to the Maximum Gary title. A keen fisherman and bass guitarist in his spare time and with a complete set of 1990 Pro Set football cards amongst his most treasured possessions, his fragile relationship with his team mate can only get better after they agreed to swap their respective Turtwig and Chimchar Pokemon in a symbolic display of mutual admiration.


Moodmon, who is believed to have invented the fork, the colour green and the sense of hearing amongst many things, heads into this season after a dramatic run last year when he just failed to beat his rival Kingford to the Maximum Gary title. A keen deer hunter and bassoon player in his spare time and with an incomplete set of 1990 Topps baseball cards amongst his most hated possessions, his rock solid relationship with his team mate can only get worse after they disagreed about swapping their respective Chimchar and Turtwig Pokemon in a shambolic display of mutual loathing.

Williams: MSP Mike and f. grimes



No-one quite knows what to make of Williams. Blazingly fast with the epic super squad of Marmite and John in Season 4, they then produced an awful car that hampered Harns and Meerman's efforts for the entire following season. They have, however, pulled off somewhat of a coup with their driving lineup this year, meaning Claire Williams could have reason to wipe the bulldog growl off her face on many occasions. We can only hope.

MSP Mike

The legend. The man himself. The one they call 'the one they call Mike'. Let's put this right here: Mike is fucking quick. Like, seriously - quicker than Maximum Gary running for food quick. Capable of taking the fight to the very quickest on any given day, it'd be no surprise at all to see Mike going Faster to get Further Away from the metaphorical Ocean Spray of battling cars behind, even after telling McLaren that 'Your Love Alone Is Not Enough' and leaving at the end of his triumphant championship winning year in Season 5.

f. grimes

Back on the grid after a spell of employment as a session freestyle rap artist for Bruno Mars, the new, lean mean and down with the kids f. grimes is ready to carry on his celebrated career behind the wheel and will look to pick up more well-earned points this season. 'I tell you what holmes' he said somewhat unexpectedly, 'my driving's bitchin', I've got mad skills in the kitchen'. No-one dared tell him that none of it actually made sense.

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So here's a list of my main points I am looking into myself for this :) - obviously lots depends on the game, but key points for me!

  • If we do go for car swapping and 2013 performance, tighten things up so cars are swapped more often to stop things like Marmite getting a car that handles like Meerman after a pint of Heineken for each race.
  • Balance the teams out so we have a properly competitive constructor's championship
  • Decide whether to do a short season (November through February) or have a long one that runs for all F1 2013's lifespan but with a few decent breaks. Probably the former tbh.
  • Think about potentially using Classic circuits (the ones that are freebies so we all have them) into the championship somehow.
  • Consider having a few race nights that, rather than one 50% race, contain two 25% races with perhaps one-shot qualifying.
  • Think about how to broach the subject that we should probably still race at places like Singapore and South Korea, despite them not being so popular (we've not raced them since Season 4, and didn't go to them in F1 2012). Perhaps ideal 25%ers if we can get a format that works!
  • Consider the possibility of having Maximum Gary himself pick the teams by snaffling bits of paper out of a hat.
  • Decide who to approach to run Season 8 :coffee:
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Decide whether to do a short season (November through February) or have a long one that runs for all F1 2013's lifespan but with a few decent breaks. Probably the former tbh.

Yeah, the former sounds good to me. Fatigue always seem to creep in over the course of a longer season.

Consider having a few race nights that, rather than one 50% race, contain two 25% races with perhaps one-shot qualifying.

I'd be up for that, especially if it's the solution required to deal with this...

Think about how to broach the subject that we should probably still race at places like Singapore and South Korea, despite them not being so popular (we've not raced them since Season 4, and didn't go to them in F1 2012). Perhaps ideal 25%ers if we can get a format that works!

...because I personally love Singapore, South Korea, Abu Dhabi etc. I think it'd be a great shame if they were ignored entirely.

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Like I said in the other thread just to reconfirm it here, I love the idea of doing 2x25%ers to get the whole calendar in on the less loved tracks, but I would suggest those races are given half-points so that those who can't turn up won't be doubly punished by missing two races.

One shot quali isn't an issue to keep things sped up here either since we can just turn parc ferme off for the race and accept you have to have a Codemasters authorized setup for qualification itself. You know, unless you can select your own setup in one shot now.

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  • If we do go for car swapping and 2013 performance, tighten things up so cars are swapped more often to stop things like Marmite getting a car that handles like Meerman after a pint of Heineken for each race

2014 needs a car creator so we can make a car shaped like a bollard for Meerman.

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So we would do two different tracks in one night? Not sure im up for that, think a single 50% is the way to go.

It would be nice to do a 100% at some point with a full grid too. Tough to get everyone to commit I know, but I like the idea of a really long race that has proper strategy plays and tyre management. Lets see how the new game works out.

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I know it's not very original but if we were to do a 100% event then I'd find it hard to look beyond Spa as the ideal venue.

The long lap means that we would have less of them, so avoids potential monotony. It's also one of the few tracks in 2012 where there aren't really any insta-spin kerbs (hopefully 2013 will be the same). Finally, assuming weather is working properly again, it could throw up an extremely eventful race and ensure that anyone falling back early on has hope that a clever strategy call could elevate them right back in to the mix.

Quite like the fact that this game is released the week I'm back from honeymoon - something to look forward to that weekend :)

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Spa could be an excellent choice.

The one I thought of as an alternative is Suzuka. It's another track similar to Spa that doesn't have horrible kerbs, it's a really quick circuit, and we have the luxury of slotting it in anywhere we want as we've not done it for a long time and the real Japanese GP happens before we start the season :).

The 100th race is technically due to be Brazil (again) if we follow the calendar, but I was thinking of subbing Brazil out until later in the season as we will have just done it for the last race of the current season.

The nice thing about Spa, of course, is that it's where the whole thing started all those years ago... then again, Suzuka was the race after that!

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Agree with Kiro on Spa and Suzuka. Both have sweeping slopes, both have really nice flow to them, and every single corner is interesting on both tracks.

Would be up for a 100% one day as long as it doesn't finish too late, if it's on a week night.

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