Red Dwarf

[Fry Crayola]

Quote

Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down. The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see..Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, when shoes are happy that they'd get into heaven.

 

You see, it turns out shoes have soles.

 

[Thwomp]

I always loved:

 

Quote

Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes to tackle even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals.

 

And this :

 

Quote

You goit! No you goit! You're all goits! I'm surrounded by goits! Holly you're a goit!

 

[Shoes]

Look, sooner or later we are going to have to face the fact that we are not all going to get out of this in one piece. Or if we are, it's going to one big flat piece.

[Boothjan]

"You're thinking too negative. Think of all the glorious, wonderful things about having children."

 

"Like....?"

 

"Like when they grow up and leave home."

[wev]

"It's a state of the art sarnie"

 

"It's the state of the floor I'm worried about"

[PK]

"This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment."

[Boothjan]

Just now, PK said:

"This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment."

 

My favourite episode

[Chadruharazzeb]

"Look, we've all got something to bring to this discussion but from now on I think what you should bring is silence." 

[K]

This isn’t a meal, it’s an autopsy. 

[SeanR]

"Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flat foot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority. And if those pen-pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their over-payed, fat ass's on this mid-digit and swivel -- swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon."

[Iain]

"Well now I know why dogs lick their testicles, it's to take away the taste of their food!"

[Nick R]

2 hours ago, Fry Crayola said:

[Petersen's Smart Shoes story]

 

What a sad, sad story.

 

Wait a minute...

 

How did they open the car door?

[Nicky]

well thats one way to run out of posses

[Thwomp]

Quote

Holly : Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other milk, dog's milk.

 

Lister : Why?

 

Holly : No bugger'll drink it. Plus of course the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

 

[DeciderVT]

Quote

"One of the first songs I ever wrote. It's called "Om"."

 

Quote

"Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am?""

 

"No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man."

 

Quote

"Jean Paul Sartre said hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends."

 

"Holly, all his mates were French."

 

[PK]

"Don't fish swim south for the winter?"

 

"No, that's birds, sir."

 

"Birds swim south for the winter?  How do they breathe?"

[MDY]

"For is it not written in the electronic Bible, 'The iron shall lie down with the lamp?'"

[Boothjan]

"So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor?""

"Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling TERROR..."

 

"A simple "yes" would have sufficed."

[Commander Jameson]

"So what is it?'

[Nick R]

"There's gotta be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of pulley system, so that when a guard comes in over the tripwire, he gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords and fight our way back to the Bug!"

 

"Or we could use the teleporter."

[Clipper]

16 hours ago, wev said:

"Stop your whining you filthy piece of distended rectum"

I am really sorry to do this but it is one of my fave quotes in Red Dwarf

 

Stop your foul whining you filthy piece of distended rectum

 

 

The rhythm of the line NEEDS the "foul" to scan and be as funny as it is

 

Sorry again

 

 

[Clipper]

For all the criticisms of the later series there are still some quotes that get me every time

 

And we're going to...live!

 

 

And as overused as it is I still like

Step up to Red Alert!


Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

 

Nowhere near the quality and pathos of the first couple of series but Red Dwarf really does have many facets and periods of differing humour within its life.

 

The first and second series are incredibly silly and fun but they still have the human factor and pathos (as hammy/amateur as it was in S1). S3-4 etc it becomes bigger and brasher and the humour is sharper/brighter in so many ways. Beyond that it then you move to it being purely that big brash bright humour and no real pathos. Due to a big break it then becomes a very odd beast indeed but still with its moments - introspective without the big brash but still with the obvious humour hooks  but trying so hard to be more "serious". It then shifts gears into almost a parody of s3-6 with dancing blue midgets and bad cg. We then get the weirdness of the Corrie crossover etc which is the hardest to love.... and finally we get the Dave incarnation which is really a sort of tribute act to the original - a handful of moments that remind you of the glory days but mostly going through the motions.

 

and alot of the above is retrospective of course - at the time of its broadcast everyone I knew hated series 1 saying it was amateurish hammy rubbish. 

 

I wouldn't be adverse to a reboot with the novels as source mainly because it would just be a different facet of Red Dwarf once again - this time more serious scifi edged. I'm not convinced you'd be able to argue it was better than Red dwarf as there have been so many versions of it - all find their audience

 

[wev]

36 minutes ago, Clipper said:

I am really sorry to do this but it is one of my fave quotes in Red Dwarf

 

Stop your foul whining you filthy piece of distended rectum

 

 

The rhythm of the line NEEDS the "foul" to scan and be as funny as it is

 

Sorry again

 

 

I knew I'd missed something, must have been in the "i" of Rimmer

[PK]

I had that mixed up with "Stop your putrid whining you dank tuft of rectal pubic hair."

[mdn2]

Rimmer: I've come to regard you.......... as..... people....... I've........ met.

[Boothjan]

"About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all the little worms.

 

......

 

There's just no consoling him."

[Commander Jameson]

"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."

[Shoes]

Lister, tune into Sanity FM.

[Clipper]

It is my duty. My duty and as a complete and utter bastard

 

 

(one of the darkest moments in RD as well if you strip away the silliness  )

 

 

[Sprite Machine]

My favourite scene, and cleverest bit of writing I think the show has ever done, is in the second episode, Future Echoes. Lister talks to future Rimmer and they have the same conversation twice, except the second time it's Lister reacting to Rimmer saying the same things, and thus prompting him to say those things again.

 

I can't begin to imagine how hard that was to write, but it's utter perfection.

"Well it probably is deja vue, it sounds like it!"

 

---------

 

I don't really expect Red Dwarf to hit those heights again, but honestly I do just enjoy watching these characters interact and I'll happily sit through another season of lighthearted sci-fi and camaraderie. (Or a feature episode and some documentaries, in this case.) Bring it on!