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Big Gus

A Season Of Pies

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Bonus photo - the condiment serving area at the smaller pie stall. Aye, nothing better than getting your sauce off a mossy bit of concrete offset by the scent of an overflowing bin. Utterly shocking.

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Great Scott! :lol:

Keep it up, Gus!

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Football Snack Foods - Suplimentary Report...

So, back at Dens today. The pie has already been thoroughly lambasted in the thread and no further proper reviews of the Dens Park pie will take place till the second half of the season. The next full update will take place after Wednesdays cup tie with Brechin and with the pie competition rated at 3 and 1 up till now I fully expect a top of the table placement for the lower league underdogs in the catering stakes.

In the meantime, a suplimentary dietary update to look at some of the other produce available at Dens Park. We've already witnessed the price list and sitting at the very top like the King of Snacks is the fabled £3.40 cheeseburger. For that sort of investment the expectations would surely amount to an expertly prepared hot, melt in the mouth steak mince patty that had been gently cooked over a flame grill with fresh salad, relish and various other assorted garnish adorning it, all housed in a granary seed bun. It's safe to say the truth is a million miles away.

Let's look at the product then.

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This is a snap of the other food stall in the South Enclosure. It's around 3.30 here and there has been a break in play for an injury. As you can see it is a perfect day and one where conditions should relate to a decent product from the stalls that resemble a fucked up building site. Still, only a few half daft kids are brave or silly enough to depart with the expenditure the Dens food price list demands. I strolled up boldly and requested the prime item off the menu. The hallowed cheeseburger, I received shrapnel back for my fiver from the tweenage girl.

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I couldn't help but notice in the game versus Queen of the South a fortnight previously that the burgers now came in a "flashy" box. Does the box make any sense? It appears a 55 year old advertising executive with a penchant for the old nose bugle has bunged this together after a particularly harsh night on the Columbian marching powder and cheap hookers. "Look!" "Enjoy!" "Great touch!" Food!" Erm, what mate? Lets flip the lid open, think outside the box and see what ballpark we're in to take things forward. "Watch this space!" Right?

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Wrong. There is so much wrong with this it's hard to know where to start. OK, so it cost you the best part of a fiver, it's a cheeseburger. Check out that cheese. In the "pre bite" stage you can see that the westward protrusion of cheese appears as cheese should be. It's an off-yellow/orange colour and it seems to be a cheap cheese slice. Now observe the Eastern bun peninsula. What the fuck? It's like the cheese you would expect to find in a students fridge. It is no longer cheese-coloured or textured at all. It is hardened and orange like the football top of a particularly violent Dundee United fan, perhaps one that drinks at the Troll Inn. Considering this is one piece of cheese it's almost a scientific breakthrough that they have managed to create one side of the slice appear to be in date and the other more historical than the calcified cheese found on Terry Waites boaby when they unchained him from that radiator.

The second picture was taken after 2 bites. That is as far as I got with it. The meat itself was worse than a sweepie mince pie which my stomach is more used to. As for heat you can tell by the lack of any sort of melt in "The thing we may consider as cheese" that there was none here whatsoever. It was colder than the heart of the Suffolk Strangler as he dumped his latest victim naked in a dark ditch. The bun itself was almost stale and cracked. Incredibly dissapointing fare! Instead of tossing it to the terrace in a fit of pique I considered the cost and did the rare thing of taking it back. "You'll fucking kill someone with that one day" I informed the disinterested chewny-swinger on the stall. She gave me her best "bothered?" face as I recouped my cash.

After talking up the Partick pie and being gutted with the end result I'm not talking up Brechins hot snacks till I get there on Wednesday. Watch out for the report.

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That burger box must've been borne from the smae deranged imagination that designed the "M's Bar" buffet carriages on Midland Mainline trains (before National Express poached the contract). Their's promised much the same sentiment, to the extent that you'd have been forgiven for expecting the buffet car to personally staffed by Heston Blumenthal and Michel Roux Jr., rather than a tired 20-something girl selling dry sandwiches, cooked food hotter than the Sun, and the world's most expensive Kit-Kats.

Still, to give them some dues, the tea and coffee were free and the staff were usually friendly and polite.

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Please be careful Gus, I dont want you dying after eating these awful pies, I need you fit and raring to go as my rock at the back for Bap.

On a side note I hope you have nice time at Brechin, for some reason they are my Dad's fav Scottish football team and so they also mine as well.

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Any chance you'll be seeing Queen's Park at Hampden this season? I've never bothered buying food when watching them (no idea why as they're shit and it's not like there's going to be any queues when you have about 100 people in a 40k+ capacity stadium) but I'm intrigued now.

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They are in the league below us so unless the fortunes of a Cup draw with them happens then probably not.

I will be taking in a Third Division ground at Brechin tomorrow though. Bring on the pie!

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They are in the league below us so unless the fortunes of a Cup draw with them happens then probably not.

I will be taking in a Third Division ground at Brechin tomorrow though. Bring on the pie!

No been there for a few years, but it used to be a picture postcard ground. One new stand behind the Goals, and a big f*ck off hedge behind the other.

Can't beat a trip to Arbroath though. When the wind gets up off the north sea it made any game unplayable.

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Is it just my eyes or do those pies nestling under the price list have the worrying look of small rounds of stilton about them? Still, nice to see something looking more than edible a mere three pies in!

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It's just a horrible photograph on a shit cameraphone as it was really difficult to take. You could well question the hygeine of having your price list there right enough, right on the pies. You can always tell when it's shit pies at a Lower league ground with old fashioned terracing because you have to dodge stepping in them like so much pastry dogshite. Never spotted any discarded to the ground tonight and we shifted where we stood a few times to take in things like the 90th minute missed penalty for our striker on a hatrick and the resulting shambles of a shootout at the end. Was hard to take as Dundee fan. At least the pie and the tits were nice.

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Is it sad that I've just gone onto the BBC Football website to check when Dundee's next game is?

Home to Falkirk...damn.

The next away match is at Dunfermline, 3pm, Saturday September 11th :omg:

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Is it sad that I've just gone onto the BBC Football website to check when Dundee's next game is?

Home to Falkirk...damn.

The next away match is at Dunfermline, 3pm, Saturday September 11th :omg:

Indeed, there is an International break before the next pie get's reviewed. I normally get a supporters bus but me and a few mates have decided to go old school and take the train to the 3 Fife away games this season.

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You gonna be going to Dingwall this season? My old man runs the tea bars, might be able to hook you up with a free pie in exchange for a good review ;) (I should add, they are pretty decent generally, none of this 19p a pie for wholesale pish that a lot of grounds sell).

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Yeah I'm taking in Dingwall at least once this season, can't decide on going in November or later in the season. No bribes though. What I see is what I get. A quick steak and gravy pie synopsis coming later.

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A quick pie, in pictures.

Rather than waffling on for ages I'll let the pics speak for themself. I went 10p dearer than mince and bought the Den's steak and gravy pie today.

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Decent initial impressions with plenty of warmth and what appears to be a properly cooked puff-pastry lid. However, the burnt embers of some of the filling on the tin case reminds the eater of Simon Westons brutal Falklands scalding.

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2 bites in and a simple lift test attempt show that the initial golden brown top crust was just a disguise for an undercooked, doughy mess underneath. I think only the shit encrusted clunge of an unfortunate girl in an underground Dutch hardcore scat-porn video can be best used as a description.

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A photo of the meat fallout as I threw it to the ground in disgust again. Attempting to eat this one "in hand" soon became a schoolboy error as the top crust was thicker and stodgier than a woman from the Midlands who has discarded a cat into a wheely bin on CCTV. The sides soon collapsed in on themselves and keeled over like a house of cards manufactured in Paul Daniel's Bunko Booth while he was in the process of having a violent epileptic fit. Gutted.

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I can also comment on the bovril which came in a huge cup and was hot enough to throw off a castles ramparts onto your foes below if the boiling oil ever ran short. Lovely stuff with some pepper in it.

Wait a second...

Bovril is like Marmite, isn't it? That yeasty muck you spread on your toast? I'm horrified by the thought of having it heated up, in a cup. Do you drink it or something?

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