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Worst Album Art


RJames
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Pitchfork's excelled itself this year at self-referential vacuousness whenever I've had the misfortune of being linked to it, but this misinformed piece of cack-headed student bollocks has surpassed all reasonable expectations. Hey, guys, you write about stuff of little consequence so badly as to make it seem like it's worth even less. Good job!

That looks like the exact same photograph with some new clothes Photoshopped in.

Of course it doesn't. It's just a really dull album cover like the other one, which like it just happens to have the same man's fucking face on it. Do you expect him to just suddenly look like Chris de Burgh, Stalin, or Winona Ryder, after five decades of looking exactly like the same person he actually is, except a bit older each year?

In fact, it's almost the perfect album cover as it effortlessly matches the personable dullness of the music contained within. In further point of fact, Taylor should probably be applauded in his self-portrayal and that of his music for not stuffing said music/image absolutely full of tendentious shite like some notable media pundits I could mention. This ritanol's doing you no good, you know?

Shall I tell you what album covers this year really are the worst, and of which (oddly enough) none featured in PissFuck's Idiot Bleat Array 2008? Well, they are: anything vaguely to do with 'classical' music that features titular singer / violinist / oboe mistress looking as if she's just walked off some 80s softcore movie set and is en route to your boring middle-aged vapid bedroom to suck your flaccid member until it squeaks a tiny dollop of sperm-dead jism onto her glistening upper lip. And all to the soundtrack of some terribly overblown aria from a dead Italian, sung by the same blowdried bimbo with no emotion whatsoever and even less relevance to your insipid, B&O-styled life, you tasteless fucking leech.

Christ fuck, I hate it so much it hurts.

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I really like the first 3.. and possibly the next two even though the Dido cover seems familar. I also like 9 and 10 and 15 and the last one. Sorry if I've possibly made you count to see which album covers I'm referring to. The easily picked bad ones on there are a bit dull.

I thought this album out this year had a dire cover for a pop punk band (or anyone)

the-automatic-lp.jpg

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Pitchfork media is the lollingest lolsite I've ever been to, I have a hard time believing anything is written for any other reason than being a complete pisstake. Their review of M83s 'Before The Dawn Heals Us' is just ram packed full of superfluous words, so much so that they actually forget to write anything about the album they're supposedly reviewing.

The Dido cover is really nice though, in large poster format it's pretty awe-inspiring to see that tiny little Spaceman against the huge black background and the Earth spinning away below.

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In this wall of text is an album review. In this review of an entire album, it refers to 5 tracks in total. There are more than 5 tracks on said album. Can you find the 5 tracks, kids?

Although critics consistently nudge away the term, M83 create high-concept emo embossed with glittery snow angels, packing more synthy bombast than a Tangerine Dream/Mineral mash-up. 2003's Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts found the duo lazing on their backs in an Antibes field, watching stars and birds gently collide above green mountain tops. A pleasingly disembodied traipse through the French countryside, it was a lesson for anybody who thinks electronics have no soul.

After saying "au revoir" to longtime friend/collaborator Nicolas Fromageau, Anthony Gonzalez goes it alone for album three, upping the drama (there's even a track called "Teen Angst") by layering electro-acoustic sci-fi backdrops atop often-campy dialogue (written by his brother), and then buoying it all with by a massive noir choir. From the buzzing nighttime Blade Runner skyline of the cover art to lyrics investigating car wrecks and dislodged brains, this is a mammoth collusion of synth gasps and distorted swirls, darker and more urban than its meadow-bound predecessor. If Gonzalez had gone ahead with only epic Vangelis modulations, Before the Dawn Heals Us would collapse under hollow ponderousness. Instead, he weaves a rock backbone into his tangerine-dream landscape with steady doses of highly effective live drums, gigantic post-MBV guitar, and sharper, more defined songwriting that helps to beef up the diaphanous symphony.

As those familiar with the group would expect, the icy Sigur Rós estuaries and incidental glaciers are ably glorious (as are the commingling interludes, tentative minimalist pairings with children's voices, drifting sound-streams, and assorted channel surfs), but the larger success belongs to denser, more propulsive Kevin Shields-style hooks. Launching amid the urgent, ghostly sighs of "Tina" draped over a frantic drum/synth meltdown, "Don't Save Us From the Flames" is a coiled bit of apocalyptic pop compulsion with a J.G. Ballard storyline: "A piece of brain in my hair/ The wheels are melting." Also built on rock'n'roll, "Fields, Shorelines, and Hunters" punts a precipitous Milky Way barnstorm of cascading feedback, drum buildups, and vocal cut-ups that lead into the even headier "*", which breaks orbit, uncoiling the previous track's static energy with a patch of cathartic shoegaze glaciers from Saturn. (If you close your eyes, you might feel like you're levitating.)

Still, however cathartic, these baroque bursts will more than likely overwhelm listeners pragmatic and/or cynical enough to reject the purple poetry of a John Hughes first kiss or a flitting cliffside Robert Smith love note. It's interesting that M83 don't receive the same sort of "vainglorious" tag as Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes. Borrowing a page from Oberst, Gonzalez even opens the new record with a dramatic monologue: Languid drum rolls and chiming guitar/key-drifts pile up alongside a breathy "They say I made the moon" spoken by American actress Kate Moran, and culminating in "raise your arms the highest they can, so the whole universe will glow." Which, really, is what Gonzalez attempts to do over the course of these 15 tracks. (As we later learn, closing your eyes could perhaps kill the sun). But where Oberst sounds out of place on Digital Ash in a Digital Urn, Gonzalez confidently weds ones and zeros, forgoing millennial chilliness for depth and color.

Which is one of a million reasons why Gonzalez is hard to frame. Not exactly a singer/songwriter or a dance-floor hero, Gonzalez is less about shoegazing or rock-boy myopia than the unbounded and gargantuan romanticism of a Vincent-Gallo-esque auteur: Entering the realm of M83 is less about Mogwai-esque post-rock than it is about going along with the ebbs and flows of Gonzalez's nearly faceless otherworldly flights of fancy.

As with most ambitious undertakings, there are dull spots and moments when the dialogue, sentiments, or other indulgences can try a listener's patience. But more often than not, Gonzalez strikes gold, admirably upping the ante from the subtler Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts and creating a massive, teeming, gaudy edifice that at its best dazzles like its own misty solar system. And even when it implodes, the unintentional fireworks of its collapse create compelling, stunning patterns that leak like colored ink through the nocturnal cloud cover.

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In this wall of text is an album review. In this review of an entire album, it refers to 5 tracks in total. There are more than 5 tracks on said album. Can you find the 5 tracks, kids?

Don't be a nonce. Why does a review have to directly mention every single track on the album?

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I always though Pitchfork were a pile of shit, their elitist style never warmed me to them, but mostly because they'd slate albums that I liked and vice-versa.

They are like that twat you avoided at uni, that endlessly talked about Sonic Youth & Merzbow and would only like music no-one else had heard of, soon as it became popular they'd dismiss it as rubbish.

Or slightly more succinctly - a bunch of cunts.

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Nice insult. I never said the review has to call out every single track you dullard, I was merely lamenting at all the flowery language that manages to describe exactly nothing.

That was your first post, and I'm not arguing with that. In your second post (which was the one I quoted) you were commenting on the number of songs mentioned.

I don't like pitchfork and I haven't bothered reading the review, but whether or not it's rubbish or not has nothing to do with how many songs the reviewer refers to.

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I actually quite like Pitchfork's reviews. But then I like Edge too. Yes, sometimes they're a bit OTT, but I quite enjoy that.

The covers clearly ARE a piss take. They're just picking ones they can say something pithy about, but I was amused.

The Brad Paisley one IS terrible though. And the Vanilla Ice one is hilarious.

There's nothing wrong with the Elbow cover, but the 'easiest rubiks cube ever' thing did raise a mild chuckle. Then again, this thread was supposed to be for suggestions of stuff rather than just taking the piss out of pitchfork.

Personally, some crappy ones this year were:

streets-everything-borrowed.jpg

Is the point that the whole of human existence is transient compared to nature? Either way: ugly.

Ditto this one:

cajun-dance-party_24359agif1.png

Not very amusing though, I'm afraid :o

And here's one that's awesome, especially for VermilionSands:

Biffy-Clyro-Mountains-443623.jpg

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Hehe, that is pretty cool. Shame Biffy Clyro are well rubbish.

This is a horrible album cover:

oasis-dig-out-your-soul-album-cover.jpg

It looks like a forty year old exploding turd, though that might be somewhat appropriate.

I hate that with a passion... it's one of the guys from Intro who did it and his past credits include this...

primalscreamxtrmntrtxtvj3.jpg

How the fuck can he art direct that whole album and the Kill All Hippies video and then knock out bobbins like the Oasis cover. Shame on him!

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