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TITLE: Jolly!

FORMAT: Playstation 2, Wii, DS, PSP

DEVELOPER: THQ

GENRE: Platform

Oh No! Doctor Sad has stolen Jolly's family and locked them in his fortress! Join Jolly on his quest to find the six mystic keys so he can get them back! Explore six madcap worlds full of suprises including Flaming Volcano Mountain and the Cold Diamond Ice Mines! Features block pushing puzzles, stealth sections, collectables, a bit in a vehicle and a smart talking sidekick who you get to control at some point!

!!!

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Title: Couk

Platform: SNES / Megadrive

Developer: Psygnosis

Another in the long line of 2d platform games released in the early 90's to rival mario and sonic, in which you play a zany character with a one syllable name like Zool, Plok, Spoz, Fwip, Skwenq etc.... Couk can fire grapes out of his nipples to defeat squirrels wearing themed costumes in each level (forest, desert, ice land, haunted house, some sort of factory). The final boss is the king robot squirrel with 7-up firing squirt cannons.

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Title: villenium

Platform: 360/PS3

Developer: Saber Interactive

From the makers of Timeshift, set 24hrs before the 5th millennium, you must battle through hordes of whatever enemies appeared in other FPS in the last six months, using pale imitations of all the features that appeared in FPS released in the last six months. Supports online play (for 24 hours after release, after which everyone will go back to COD4).

*Contains mild peril. Libel to cause that aching feeling in your stomach that can only be experienced on the realisation that you've pissed £40 up the wall and you'll only get £8 for the trade-in at Game.

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Title : DNAbstract

Platform : Nintendo DS

Developer : ???

Bullet hell occuring within the microscopic world of various creatures, collecting strains of DNA and fusing them between stages to create abstract strains which will effect your own little microbe.

Touch screen of course used to swap little bits of DNA about so as to achieve the desired effect. Think E.V.O on the SNES, only a vertical shooter, with bullets absolutely bloody everywhere.

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Title: GViper

Platform:PS2 and Wii

Developer: Arc System Works

Spin off of multi-hundred selling smash hit videogame Guilty Gear XX2#r/^core set in OUTER SPACE MAN!. With Sol Badguy and a guest appearance from Goth Pop Wankster Gackt as himself. Fly battleships! Defeat Generic Baddies! Heavy Dutch Rock Soundtrack! Dodgy 3D Camera! The most action to hit your PS2 since Extreme Sprint 2010! Available Friday 25th August 2009, RRP £49.99, also available in Bargain Bins everywhere on Monday 28th August RRP £4.99

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Title: Space Reporter Ulala

Format: PC

Developer: From

The Pitch:

It's 1981. Hard livin' outlaw journalist Ulala finds a bad brown acid tab down the back of the sofa and ends up in a state completely spaced out. She heads down to El Salvador to get her head together, not realising the place is a hotbed of insurgency violence. She gets caught up in the leftist coalition fighting against the brutal, right-wing, US backed junta. Viewed entirely from a first-person perspective, you must capture scenes of horrifying state brutality with your trusty camera and interview local nuns, guerillas and villagers. Instead of a health bar, Ulala has an alcohol bar and you must keep her full to the brim in tequilas, mojitos and Moscow mules lest the horrors of war overcome her and leave her weeping in the dirt while the local CIA operatives point and laugh and twirl their mustaches.

As befitting a cutting edge, high definition PC entertainment docusperience, the game will feature 32 million shades of brown, with a couple of shades of grey to break up the monotony. Soundtrack by The Doors, the Grateful Dead and Ken Woodman and his Piccadilly Brass.

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Title: Couk

Platform: SNES / Megadrive

Developer: Psygnosis

a zany character with a one syllable name like Zool, Plok, Spoz, Fwip, Skwenq etc....

Tch. Everyone forgets my game. And you missed out the exclamation marks. Smac!!

Couk can fire grapes out of his nipples to defeat squirrels

Suspiciously familiar game mechanics, there, bud. Only not out of my nipples. And they aren't grapes. The squirrels are the same, 'though.

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Title: Space-age of Conan II: Balbarian741's Cosmic Adventure

Developer: Funcom

Publisher: SCEE

Format: PC, PS3

Sequel to 2008's smash hit Age of Conan comes a hammer-wielding barbarian themed, card-based RTS set in space. Nuff' said. Uses extensive eyetoy functionality. Epic score composed by Pete Waterman and Danny Elfman.

Features voices of John Colshaw and Brian Blessed, for some random reason. Oh yeah its a BBC film tie- in of a film made by Michael Winner. :)

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Title: neeeooooommmmm

Genre: Racing

Developer: Criterion

It'd be like Burnout, but with ridiculous car addons and a slightly more Destruction Derby themed main mode. Think GT5 graphics with the Euphoria engine. And mods. Oh yes, there will be car mods. NOS, chariot spikes, ball and chain, pop up machine guns, ejector seats.

!!!

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title: therearerules

Format: PC

Developer: A down on his luck indie coder

An indie game where you have to manipulate time, space, gravity, wood and emotions to get a ball from one hole to another. Unfortunately the learning curve is the graph of tan x and after the second level everybody plays something more fun. Music generated by a sequence of random blips.

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Look, you're Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri and you'll like it.

Busted.

Man, I coulda been a contender; I could have been a formulaic, brash mid-80s platformer from a third-string budget publisher, but noooo, I had to be an-depth, turn based strategy game. I had to be the geeky one.

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title: TheGaffer

Format: Amiga

Developer: Sensible Software

Sensible finally branch out into a dedicated sensi soccer style management game, with cheery theme tune.

or

title: TheGaffer

Format: PC

Developer: Bullfrog

Entertaining building simulation where you as "TheGaffer" have to keep your unruly building workforce from ogling ladies and taking tea breaks to actually get some work done, possibly with cheery theme tune.

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Boozy The Clown

Format : 360

Developer : Running With Scissors

He's the clown that makes all the children cry. Control this alcoholic, washed up, has been clown through his daily routine of being as offensive and vulgar as possible. Upset the kids by drinking till you shit yourself and making inapproriate suggestions to their mums. Cause chaos at the dole office and create mentalist mirth at the post office when you collect your Giro. It's like GTAIV/Postal 2 with a clown.

Edge 2/10

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Liquid Myth

Format: PS2 (late part of the machine's life, like now)

Developer: coding monkey house owned by Atari

A confusing underwater exploration game, because everyone hates underwater bits in games, with no budget and your standard po-faced videogame story with a "terrible secret to uncover!" about the underwater tribe of Atlantis or some shit.

Edge 6/10

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Title : Plisken

Platform : 360

Devloper : Namco

the announced 5 years ago and still not out or a single screenshot released snake plis(s)ken game by namco hometek! play as balding kurt with eye patch and show snake how to sneak around and shoot/stab people without the need for 5 hour cut scenes.

Edge : 6/10

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Title: McSpeed (pronounce: Max. Speed)

Platform: Wii

Developer: Grasshopper Manufacture

Suda Goichi's first attempt at a racing game, naturally with a silly name which only sounds cool in Japan. You're given a variety of muscle cars, with some customisation options - some cosmetic, mostly performance. Features apparantly rubbish but secrectly deep lines of dialogue referring to other racing games before and after each race, spoken by characters with unique cosmetic styles and voices. Steering is done by pretending to hold a real wheel with one hand using the Nunchuk, shifting with the Wii Remote (like in NfS: ProStreet).

Theme music: a remix of 'Speed with Teeth' from the No More Heroes OST (like 'Steel Python' in it was a remix from something in Flower, Sun and Rain).

Edge: 8/10

Boozy The Clown

Format : 360

Developer : Running With Scissors

He's the clown that makes all the children cry. Control this alcoholic, washed up, has been clown through his daily routine of being as offensive and vulgar as possible. Upset the kids by drinking till you shit yourself and making inapproriate suggestions to their mums. Cause chaos at the dole office and create mentalist mirth at the post office when you collect your Giro. It's like GTAIV/Postal 2 with a clown.

Edge 2/10

Massive LOL :( I would so just watch people play this and cry of laughter.

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Look, I couldn't make mine into a vaguely computer game-ish acronym, how in Christ's spine am I gonna do this? And I've been waiting for that name change for fucking decades... sigh. Fine.

Title: yxnomei(!! [for that Double Dash!! effect because Nintendo are so fucking cool!!])

Developer: Bungie

Format: Mac

The game begins with a Kafka quote before completely shutting down. Attempts to switch back on prove futile and even taking the mains plug out does not work. Starting with the preliminary angry yet confused phone calls to Apple's support department (which is ferociously shit and expensive), you begin the arduous task of setting up the antiquated PC you'd abandoned for the shiny new Mac but discover you no longer possess the patience to deal with just how fucking Godawful Windows is and spend the remainder of the day checking your back-up CDs for important documents but just discover assignments from college and futilely looking up porn.

The next day, you browse PC World for a new computer and leave with £495-worth of rubbish and Game to try and return the game, at which point the saleswoman informs you that yxnomei(!!) has never existed and suddenly the box vanishes from your hands and everyone points and laughs because you have a tiny penis they can all see because you didn't bother to pull up your trousers after attempting to masturbate because you were so depressed from working on a PC- God, isn't life really rather rubbish? Thank Christ's spine this is a Halo beater - Bungie, you've done it again!

Not reviewed in Edge.

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