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Name: VermilionSands

Developer: Grasshopper

Format: DS

A wanky, pretentious collection of mini non-games based around the exotic technologies found in the short story collection Vermilion Sands, by J.G Ballard. Using the stylus you can sculpt clouds, calibrate the automatic poetry machine, arrange the singing flowers, design sonic sculptures and build psychotropic homes for batshit insane faded film stars using only the stylus.

Game may be shit. No refunds will be issued.

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I have my own games and movie company.

Legendary the Box, and Legendary Pictures

* Batman Begins (2005)

* Superman Returns (2006)

* Lady in the Water (2006)

* The Ant Bully (2006)

* Beerfest (2006)

* We Are Marshall (2006)

* 300 (2007)

* 10,000 BC (2008)

* The Dark Knight (2008)

* Batman Begins (2005)

* Superman Returns (2006)

* Lady in the Water (2006)

* The Ant Bully (2006)

* Beerfest (2006)

* We Are Marshall (2006)

* 300 (2007)

* 10,000 BC (2008)

* The Dark Knight (2008)

Am I wonderful :)

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Title: Onion

Format: ZX Spectrum

Developer: Level 9

Game: A cerebral text adventure in which the player takes on the role of a chef and find the recipe for the best French Onion Soup in the world.

Special features: Lenslok copy protection.

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chris on the moon

PC

some shit budget edutainment dev/publisher

chris on the moon teaches children maths, on the moon. as the player solves simple fun math puzzles, they learn of the terrrible conspiracies of the space programme, and the crippling loneliness and depression a man alone on the moon feels. as the game progresses, chris descends into insanity, and a dependance on nasas special spaceman drugs. at the end of the game, if the child can solve some simple algebra, chris jumps into space and rips his suit off, all of the atoms of his body are ripped apart.

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TITLE: Superted

FORMAT: Wiiware

DEVELOPER : Bubbling Blamonge

A cartoon style game about a small bear fighting his repressed homosexuality while balancing the mood of his alien (possibly drug ailed) friend Spotty. Every level ends with a boss battle resulting in a secret word being whispered at an inaudible volume making much of the game pointless. Especially if you're below the age of around 25.

Fails to enter the charts on week 1 of release.

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hod.PNG

The Goat Keeper : Hooves Of Doom is the long awaited Goat Terror Sim from the popular software house Bethesda. Using the next-generation engine that brought gamers Oblivion, the aim of this title is to breed a herd of mutant goats, to unleash on the unsuspecting world around them. You begin the game by raising them on a farm, situated on the outskirts of town. At an age of the players choosing, dangerous substances are added to the goats feed, giving them specific special powers. What you do with your herd is up to you! you could use the mutant herd to banish the land of ogres and other beasts... Or you could add to the inhabitants daily troubles by joining the evil do-ers and unleashing attacks throughout the world. It may be that you feel like taking over completely? this is when you turn the mutant herd on both Beast and Human.

With Xbox Live multiplayer, and downloadable ingredients to further enhance your herd,

The Goat Keeper : Hooves Of Doom must not be missed! Its a must for all home computers. Released: Q1 2009

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Title - Dam Aks.

Developer - Lionhead

Format - PC

Rising tides from ever increasing CO2 emissions have left the world in serious trouble, surprisingly New Orleans is about to flood again. In Dam Aks you take control of Louisiana's favourite rapper "Lil' Wayne" as he goes about finding a way to save the city so his wildest show ever can take place there. In this lively management sim you must "aks" as many towns people as you can for funding and discover a suitable site for a dam and other flood protection devices. Saving the city will mean Lil' Wayne's biggest concert ever can still take place in the town of his birth, failure will result in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of hip hop fans.

I'd actually buy that.

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Title - poppa_f

Format - Wii

Developer - Naughty Dog

Take on the role of wise old poppa_f as he answers questions posed by his many curious nieces and nephews. Riffing on the classic "call my bluff" theme, his answer must be as believable as possible, yet actually be complete bollocks. Bonus marks are awarded if esoteric or foreign swear words can be woven into his off-beat explanations.

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Title - Nor Thy

Platform - Wii

Developer - Treasure

A co-op only 2D side scrolling platform game for up to four players which sees them working together to solve puzzles and defeat enemies. The cooperative side is heavily weighted towards making the game easier if they co-operate but there are little opportunities here and there for players to be greedy since having the most points at the end of the game means victory.

However, when one of the players is killed all the other players suddenly shout "Thou hast fallen and shall not taste victory." They continue onwards briefly before suddenly the player is resurrected in the form of a ghost and says "Nor thy!" and they get to possess enemies in the game to halt the other player's progress. If no-one makes it to the end, the player who accumulates most points in "dead" mode is the winner.

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TITLE: Vaguely Heroic

FORMAT: All formats!

An action-packed FPS, except your view is obscured by your own characters hand, through which you can see glimpses of your surroundings between your fingers, fire off the odd bullet, before running for cover and waiting for things to calm down.

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Title: From Her Ashes

Platform : Xbox Live

A cult-classic in the making, this side-scrolling, Castlevania-like game puts you in the shoes of an unassuming high-school girl who defeats badguys by swinging her back-pack at them. You increase in levels exceptionally quickly, gaining interesting new powers and stronger attacks as you do so, however, you are still often unable to overcome the challenges facing you. When this happens, you can "Ignite", burning all of your accumulated levels for a fiery blaze of glory during which you become powerful to a near invincible level. After Igniting, however, you return to your normal, level one, school-girl self, making tactical use of this power the backbone of the game.

Alternatively:

Title: From Hera, She's

Platform: PS3

In this Assassin's Creed styled game, you take on the role of a spirit dredged up from the Land of the Dead by Hera, Queen of the Gods to punish her philandering husband for his sexual indiscretions. Although Zeus has been indiscreet, *you* can't afford that luxury, or else face the wrath of Zeus himself! Hunt down the women Zeus has forced himself onto and take your revenge! Collect clues to their whereabouts (or the whereabouts of their half-breed children) while pretending to be a normal mortal, plan your course of action and then strike-- leaving no trace of your (or your employer's) involvement.

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Title: Sigourney Beaver

Format: Wii

Developer: Hudson

Your teeth are deadly weapons! In this action packed RTS fighting game, take control of Sigourney the beaver and construct a base from felled trees. Take control of Sigourney's inscisors with the Wii remote to shape a point into the logs to make fence posts and barriers, or use carefully timed nibbles to fell a tree to land on top of your enemy: wildcats, birds of prey and the most fearsome of all - humans! Keep an eye on your stock levels though. If you do run out you'll have to swim to source more logs. Simply turn the remote on its side and tilt left and right to guide yourself along the river. Wen you've found a suitable specimen, chop it down and pull it back on the river. But beware! Swimming against the current will take longer than swimming with it so make sure you build your base in the right place. Hunt for food to feed your ravenous beaver workers and launch projectiles with your powerful flapping tails. You've played nothing like it before!

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My username was clearly designed with the Wii in mind - in this bargain-basement minigame compendium you get to wipe things using the Wiimote - starting with a job as a cleaner, you advance through the less pleasant aspects of nursing and retirement home work, before finally netting your dream job - keeping a pornography cameraman's camera from steaming up.

Published by D3, obviously.

Title - Nor Thy

Platform - Wii

Developer - Treasure

A co-op only 2D side scrolling platform game for up to four players which sees them working together to solve puzzles and defeat enemies. The cooperative side is heavily weighted towards making the game easier if they co-operate but there are little opportunities here and there for players to be greedy since having the most points at the end of the game means victory.

However, when one of the players is killed all the other players suddenly shout "Thou hast fallen and shall not taste victory." They continue onwards briefly before suddenly the player is resurrected in the form of a ghost and says "Nor thy!" and they get to possess enemies in the game to halt the other player's progress. If no-one makes it to the end, the player who accumulates most points in "dead" mode is the winner.

:)

Not sure you've picked the right developer though - their grasp of English never struck me as being strong enough for them to construct a game based on such a pun.

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Title: Catachresis

Format: Nintendo DS

Publisher: Lionhead

A wanky, clever puzzle game that has some cool ideas about time manipulation and colour interaction but is basically too up its own arse to be any fun. The glued-on plot would be cool though. It'd be about nuclear war, and the final boss in the inevitable puzzle-game story mode would be a futuristic robot... FROM THE PAST (OH MY GOD)

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Title - Vin

Developer - Double Fine

Publisher: Microsoft

Format: 360

A third-person action platformer by Schafer and Co, starring an obese grandmother in polyester pants pulled up to her sagging jugs. She can go around cruelly clubbing baby seals or punching people in the groin. The real game is revealed after about three hours of merciless seal hunts, when Manny Calavera pops up and quips; "We're just fuckin with you, kids. Let's get this shit on the road".

A new Grim Fandango game plus endless episodic content. The war is won, folks sleep soundly and the world is finally at peace.

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