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Big Brother 9


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It's cringe worthy to watch Rex and Darnell pick on people and then turn around and say "It's only a joke, you're meant to laugh".

I genuinely don't have a desire for anyone to win this year. I say Sara to win but only because she hasn't wound me up like the rest of them have.

This year has been quite boring despite a fairly promising start. I think there should be a radical change next year, including a new presenter.

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I couldn't watch most of that as I've seen enough of Rex picking on Rachel and Sara to last a lifetime. I skipped through it though and part of it later on was Rex still fucking complaining about the cake task to Rachel. How long ago was that ?

I agree with what Grace Dent said the other week. I wouldn't last two days of being in there with Rex. I would end up being escorted out.

Speaking of Grace, dunno if the new one is out yet but she posted on Thursday

Who does Grace think will win...?

So, we're on the home straight now with Big Brother 9. I'm still not wholly convinced who I want to win. I just know who is the least abrasive, flawed and annoying. This would be Rachel for me.

Rachel, who rescues poorly caterpillars from the garden. The girl who sheds tears over a dying goldfish and who can find bottomless joy in a bunch of grapes. Rachel, who endlessly looks out for Mikey when he needs a bit of extra help.

Rachel, who can plaster on an air-hostess smile and keep it locked tight upon her gob, even when Rex is at his most obstreperous, saying directly to her face, "I hated you last week and wanted you out. I can't believe you're still here. You're so boring. You make me sick."

"Oh that's fine Rex," smiles Rachel calmly, "you're entitled to your opinion! Absolutely everyone is entitled to have an opinion! I respect you for saying that! That's totally fine!"

I'm not quite sure how Rachel pulls that one off actually. This whole 'absolutely everyone' is entitled to their opinion concept. I mean, yes, it's a very 2008 thing to say, but who means it really?

In reality, I think 'most' people are entitled to an opinion and 'some' people should honestly just shut the **** up because they're getting on my nerves by breathing, let alone opening their mouths and honking their imbecilic thoughts in my direction.

Rachel has survived 84 days with seldom a raised voice or a frown, I'd have lasted 2 days with Rex snarking at me before telling him several home truths about his life and then being led out of the back door.

Lovely Rachel has also shown limitless patience with Darnell, who's whined for weeks and weeks about how rock bottom awful every element of his emotional, physical and material being is.

Poor, poor Darnell. OH BOO HOO HIM! Tsk, for God's sake, there are people stood about in Georgia right now, covered in dust wearing charred underpants, examining the rubble of their homes through bandaged faces with less self-pitying outlooks than Darnell, a man who has spent Summer 2008 sat on an IKEA sofa waiting for Endemol staff to fill his larder with more free food. 'Man, but, y'know!'

"It's hard! So hard for me! Y'know what I'm saying!?" says Darnell watching the rain from behind double glazed windows and eating a plate of toast and jam, "All this **** that's happening to me here, dude! I don't know if I can cope!"

"It's okay, Darnell," says Rachel soothingly, "just ten more days to get through! Stay strong, flower!"

Rachel's best friend Kat has also been kind and patient for her entire time in the house, but I don't find her as wholesome in my eyes as Rachel. Not that I think Kat is by any way secretly evil and when the lights go off at night she mutters, "The fools! I will kill them all! I will wear their skins like a raincoat! Mwah-ha-ha!"

No, I don't think that at all. I think Kat is an awfully nice person.

If you 'betray' Kat by being disloyal to her she'll go and get her cookie jar, get into bed and howl in full view of the cameras for half an hour about "People be horrible, Big Brudder, and I know no why?!", making your name mud inside the house and throughout the viewing population too. I do think, however, that Kat wields a lot of power in that house and knows how to push the right buttons to get what she wants.

Kat offers people the notion of very, very strong loyal almost fairytale friendships, but she expects the same in return.

If you take on Kat about her singing, shouting or nosiness, the chances are you'll probably get thrown out soon after. Even Rex doesn't take on Kat and, if he does, he apologises pretty sharpish then bakes her some special 'I'm sorry Kat' biscuits.

Darnell could insult Sara and call her a bitch, slut and slag all week long and no-one will quibble with him, but he was on dodgy ground the moment he made Kat cry on Monday after nominations. Kat just wants her friends in the final if you're not her friend, then you've got something to worry about.

Lisa's got a strong chance of winning Big Brother, I think. Especially now that she's got that 'inner-glow' that a proposal from Mario brings. I found that whole thing very odd. I'm happy for Lisa, but wary about him in general. I'm wary about his willingness to use something so intimate for more publicity.

I wouldn't want to be proposed to on live TV when I can't hear anything the other person is saying and a TV crew are trying to wind it up before the adverts.

If that was me, I'd always wonder if he was actually going to propose anyway, or whether he'd just got carried away by the amount of attention a Big Brother wedding would bring.

The one thing I do know is that Mario is in his absolute element right now, having achieved one of his biggest ambitions, namely, to be standing on a raised plinth being famous with fans shouting his name. Mario absolutely loves being famous and he also loves Lisa. I don't know which one he loves more. And with a Big Brother 'match' done and dusted, I'm wishing next summer for a 'hatch' or a 'dispatch'.

Anyone who gets themselves accidentally up the duff over the Christmas period should get down to the auditions and offer to give birth next September with an ankle over each arm of the diary room chair.

Also if you're thinking about dying any time next August, well that could be your parting gift to the nation, to let them film that too. Your death doesn't strictly mean you'd have to be evicted. It could be like 'Weekend at Bernies'. You could nominate via ouija board. Oh this is going to be brilliant.

I'm finding it difficult to care about Darnell Vs Sara. It's six of one and half a dozen of the other if you ask me. Darnell has behaved like a spoilt, repetitive little twerp for weeks now. He's had a chance to shape up, now I wish he'd ship out. Because yes, Darnell is albino and yes this must have been hard for him as he tells us on repeat, but the fact is that over the past 84 days all he's known in that house is mostly acceptance and friendship, so why is he getting worse not better?

When he first shouted "Stop hating on me you mother****ing b****!" at Bex, I thought he was on the line, but then Rachel got screamed at in an aggressive manner and to many viewers, he crossed it. Recently Darnell has been picking away at Sara calling her a slut, a slag, a dickswinger and an ugly bitch.

While Big Brother has reprimanded both Darnell and Rex for their behaviour, most of the housemates seemed to let Darnell get away with it, mainly because he tops it up with such a massive dose of self-pity afterwards that it's difficult to counter-attack.

On the other hand, I can see why some people think Sara isn't entirely without blame either. When she met Darnell she knew he had very low self esteem, a short fuse, no experience with women and that he fancied her madly.

She spent weeks wrapped around him, holding his hands, snuggled up, sat on his knee, cuddling in the pool, cuddling in his bed, wrestling with him on the floor. Then Sara got a bit bored with that as it was only ever platonic anyhow and made a proper genuine non-platonic play for Stuart.

Darnell is statistically proven to be one of the oddest looking men in the entire world. Stuart is so good looking that even Dale was his ugly friend. And now she can't for the life of her think why Darnell is even more insecure and short-tempered than he was before and weirdly it's now directed at her.


Mo has gone down in my estimations recently too. I spent weeks fretting about him being teased by Rex and Nicole and then he goes into the Diary Room this week and nominates Rex to be Head of House and get a place in the final because then the last week will be fun because 'Rex can really stir up some ****'.

Oh yes he can, can't he Mohamed?! He's had the whole House calling you 'greedy Mo' and 'Lazy Mo' for the entire Summer. Mohamed is clearly a lot dimmer than I had him down for. Plus his behaviour around Sara has crossed the border into creepy, with his 'French Kiss me for some cider' offers. Oh and the farting. The ceaseless farting.

All day and all night. He's just rude and disgusting and thoughtless. Mo's bottom wasn't even funny at the start of the summer, but no-one had the nerve to tell him off about it so now he thinks it's his right to lie on the floor with his fat belly out, farting to high heaven, which frankly is behaviour you'd try to iron out in a six year old so they'd fit more smoothly into polite society and hopefully would have more life options than spending summer on a game show.

And think of poor Mikey's highly trained nasal passages having no choice but to sniff it in? Never mind, I suppose the £100,000 is going to be some compensation to him. Oh come on, we all know he's going to win it don't we?

I'm definitely thinking its going to be Mo and Kat out tonight.

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So Mohammad is less popular than Rex? I always think that when they switch to the phone calls being to win half the audience are confused.

You're surprised? REALLY?

I still stand by my comment... if rex goes tonight, i'm not watching the final. I know he isn't going to win, as much as i want him to. I just want to see him in the final.

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Not hatred really, she's just, well, shit.

Instead of various sides to her personality and revealing interesting things about herself over the how-ever-many-weeks she's shouted crap "songs" or cried like a small child over pretty much nothing. No-ones been shit to her.

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Not hatred really, she's just, well, shit.

Instead of various sides to her personality and revealing interesting things about herself over the how-ever-many-weeks she's shouted crap "songs" or cried like a small child over pretty much nothing. No-ones been shit to her.

But people loved the single-dimensioned simpletons from last year. Compared to Brian and the twins, Kat's practically a character from The Wire.

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The Rex household must be blowing thousands of quid on the phones. He's quite an exceptional dickhead, but seeing some other housemates still being sycophantic to him is even worse.

I'd love to see Mikey, Rachel or Darnell win.

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