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jon_cybernet

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Everything posted by jon_cybernet

  1. Off the top of my head: Prince Paul of Persia Altered Beastie Boys Warren G-LOC House of Painkiller Jeru the Cel Damaja Harvest Moon: Back to Naughty by Nature Eminem-1 Tank Platoon Easy E-SWAT UFO: Public Enemy Unkown
  2. My impressions of the Sith game, based on a few hours of play: INTERIOR: A FUCKING HUGE SPACESHIP Petulant Jedi ANAKIN SKYWALKER and his hairsuite life partner OBI WAN KENOBI are fighting through a star destroyer in attempt to rescue the EVIL EMPEROR. They are outnumbered by FEEBLE DROIDS. OBI WAN: Wow, these graphics sure are pretty. Look how I can chop the arms off these feeble droids! And I can fling them around using the power of my mind too! ANAKIN: Yeah, killing stuff sure is fun! ANAKIN is surrounded by FEEBLE DROIDS OBI WAN: Anakin! Look out! Use the force! ANAKIN uses THE FORCE. He does this by doing a magical flounce. It looks like a dance move from sci-fi re-make of FOOTLOOSE. FEEBLE DROIDS scatter everywhere. ANAKIN: Master, there is an XWING blocking our path! OBI WAN: Don't worry; we'll use the force! They use THE FORCE to move the huge spacecraft. They are surrounded by SLIGHTLY BIGGER ROBOTS than before. Anakin fruitlessly attempts to use THE FORCE to throw the SLIGHTLY BIGGER ROBOTS. ANAKIN: The force! It's not working! OBI WAN: Of course not my Padawan! These are slightly bigger robots! ANAKIN: But we just lifted a fucking XWING!! OBI WAN: The ways of the force are indeed mysterious. Oh no! It's those roller ball droid things! ANAKIN: AGAIN?! Those evil people really need to start coming up with some new ideas, I've been fighting these dudes since i was six! Attention evil dudes! The roller droids are not working! We figured out how to use their own weapons against them 20 years ago! ANAKIN attempts to deflect the ROLLER BALL DROIDS weapons, but instead turns 90 degrees and deflects some AIR for no reason. He gets shot, but together they manage to SMASH all of the ROLLER BALL DROIDS. OBI WAN: Why did you suddenly turn away in the middle of that fight and attempt to deflect nothingness when we were being shot at? ANAKIN: Dude, I have no idea. More DROIDS run in. OBI WAN: Anakin! Use the force! ANAKIN attempts to use the force, but tiny sparks come out of his fingers and nothing happens. ANAKIN: The force isn't working?!! OBI WAN: No, you've used up all your force power, that blue bar at the bottom of the screen. You'll have to wait for it to fill up again before you can continue to lay down the piss on these droids. ANAKIN: Since when was use of the force limited? Goddamn it. He sits down and waits for his FORCE energy to recharge. It takes FOREVER. They get to a door and sword through it to blow it open. This bit is actually pretty COOL. They burst into the chamber where the EVIL EMPEROR is handcuffed to a chair that he could BLATANTLY escape from, even if he was a tiny old man instead of the most powerful SITH LORD that ever existed. ANAKIN: Can't you just like, get out of that chair? You're not that well secured? EVIL EMPEROR: No, it's a ruse to got you on my side. Look out behind you, It's Count Dracula! COUNT DRACULA turns up. He's folding a bank cheque into his pocket. COUNT DRACULA: DIE GANDALF! PROMPTER: It's Jedi! COUNT DRACULA: Whatever! They all FIGHT. ANAKIN continues to randomly pivot in unusual directions and ends up getting stabbed in the back repeatedly by COUNT DRACULA. Running away, ANAKING attempts to rip an explosive barrel from the wall to fling at COUNT DRACULA. He flings it into his own face. ANAKIN: Man, these controls SUCK! COUNT DRACULA advances on ANAKIN and KILLS him. A menu appears with a continue option. ANAKIN: Ah well, at least I can continue exactly where I left off... He selects the continue option. INTERIOR: A FUCKING HUGE SPACESHIP Petulant Jedi ANAKIN SKYWALKER and his hairsuite life partner OBI WAN KENOBI are fighting through a star destroyer in attempt to rescue the EVIL EMPEROR. They are outnumbered by FEEBLE DROIDS. ANAKIN: WHAT THE FUCK? OBI WAN: Wow, these graphics sure are pretty. Look how I can chop the arms off these feeble droids! And I can fling them around using the power of my mind too! ANAKIN: FUCK THIS. No wonder I turned to the dark side! ANAKIN kills EVERYONE.
  3. I'm reviewing it for a mag so I have to play it, just hoping that it won't destroy the movie for me. How spoilerish is it? Can I skip cut-scenes and still remain relatively pure to plot twists etc?
  4. Nintendo must be fucking gutted that they lost out on all those Duck Hunt sales last year.
  5. Sadly, "Harold Shipman: Dr Death DS" has been pushed back to a Q3 release in Europe.
  6. Hey, anyone read any of the words in the mag? Some of them are great!
  7. A few words of calm to those on Highbury mags; DON'T PANIC. Our ailing games mag company got taken over by Future just over a year ago, and pretty much everyone kept their jobs. Some really talented people did lose their jobs, but none of them were editorial staff. Future don't buy mag companies to shut down rival mags, there's no profit margin in it. There's no reason your mags can't peacefully co-exist with current future mags, though any horribly unprofitable mags could be closed for a while, pending a relauch* It's not the end of the world, the deal isn't finalised, it's not definately happening, but it probably will. *Future speak for getting shit-canned.
  8. Just a hint of a taste at what's to come: Click For Spoiler Zombies. Trucks. *Meshes hands together* AMAZING
  9. I saw pretty much finished working code of Resi 4 being played in work today, and it looked gob smackingly amazing. You ain't seen nothing yet, it's amazing how much Capcom have managed to keep secret. Jaws will drop.
  10. My Getaway 2 experience: The opening cinematic. Starts with the ridiculously profane hard nut cop apprehending a teenager with a gun. Cop orders him to put down the gun. Teenager refuses, and turns to run. Cop shoots him in the back. Which is all nicely dramatic, or at least, it would be, if the cop weren’t standing so close to the boy that he could've just grabbed him and cuffed him instead. Anyway, it sets up the whole tortured guilty cop scenario. Part two of the cut-scene takes place en-route to a crack den bust. Two cops in the vehicle are arguing over a prostitute that they've both slept with. In this brief minute long exchange, they manage to swear more profusely than Richard Pryor did that time he set himself on fire. It's so awful that it quickly becomes just as unintentionally pant wettingly hilarious as the first game. They pull up to a council estate. It's raining. And pretty heavily too, because when the camera cuts inside the car, IT'S RAINING INSIDE THE VEHICLE. A vehicle without a sunroof, mind. The kicker is, it cuts to an out side shot of the estate, and it's SUDDENLY NOT RAINING OUTSIDE. Cut back and it's still raining inside. Admittedly, it's purely cosmetic, totally fixable, but it just poisoned me with it's sloppiness, and bear in mind I still haven’t played so much of a frame of the game at this point. So, the first mission begins. The rain's stopped, puddles everywhere. They reflect the scenery prettily enough, but on running over one, you realise that it's actually either glass or ice, for all the impact your feet make. So you run up some stairs anyway, nudge the right analogue to turn the camera to look round the corner, and fuck me sideways if you're not suddenly balls deep in a roller coaster simulator. It just wobbles all over the shop snapping back to a view angle that's useless at best. You try and shoot somebody and realise that you have all the aiming prowess of a tranquillised amateur darts player. You're colleagues collar a few people and wait with them patiently, whistling. You have to cuff them. All of them. So you sigh, cuff the first one, then drop your jaw in amazement, as your character kicks the backs of their knees out, cuffs them, then knocks them out! Even though they're handcuffed! Even if they happen to be an innocent passer-by you're just cuffing to get out of the way! You then accidentally shoot a fellow officer fatally by accident (due to the lucky strike school of aiming) and the voice over the radio say something along the lines of "That's enough Sergeant! No more chances!". As if, like, every policeman is allowed to fatally kill one fellow cop before they get in trouble! So you run out onto the roof (Where there's a helicopter with a searchlight, hanging in space, unanimated) and plug the last few guys who appear out of no-where. End of mission. The next mission was a driving mission, that was just as terrible as the driving from the first game, if not worse, and it was at this point that I decided life was WAY too short to continue playing. I did see a glimpse of a later level though, and there was a nice steam effect. All the characters look like burns victims, the animation is terrible, and it plays like an episode of the Bill directed by Freddie Star. To sum up: Cunt.
  11. I played this the other day. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Is all I can say.
  12. Maybe a bit. I loves youze crazy kids really.
  13. Yeah, God forbid we could have a different opinion to you, right?
  14. Even if Games TM gave it a bad review?
  15. That',s all just a load of fucking tits. PSW gave Headhunter Redemption a low score because it',s a bad game. While it looked ok, spacky controls, endless barrel shooting, appalling targeting, and terribly repetitive gameplay meant that it got a low score. If anything 5 is too high in my opinion. Our reviewer didn',t review it anywhere else, there',s no conspiracy, there',s no agenda, it',s just a bad game, and no-way near as much fun as the original. Other reviewers on other mags must have thought the same, but came to their own conclusions. We don',t have weekly meetings with all the mags where we work out which developer',s teeth we',re going to kick in that month. The only agenda we have is to rate good games well and bad games badly. HH was terrible. Some of you enjoy it, and that',s fine. But it was fundamentally, in many people',s eyes, fucked. Personally, I reckon Games TM wouldn',t know a good game if it licked them in the fanny.
  16. The first album Workshy was better in my opinion, I loved that to death for years. The CD's a bit scratched now though.
  17. Only the hardest hearts could fail to be moved by Gitaroo Man's Legendary Theme (acoustic Version) scene. I'm welling up just thinking about it.
  18. It was just Waaaay too much effort and caused lots of bugs, we just don't have the time these days.
  19. Alright, I admit it, I have just been waiting a few months for Breaksmith to mention his memoirs. *mong noise* *wink*
  20. I'm sure we've still got the mailing list contacts somewhere if you want them... Actually, I usually read your bits.
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