This Game Boy I got here was first purchased by your great-grandfather during the first Social Justice War. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee. Made by the first company to ever make Game Boys. Up till then people just carried Game and Watches.
It was bought by private Doughboy Eron Gojoni on the day he set sail for 4Chan. It was your great-grandfather's Game Boy and he played it every day he was in that war. When he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, put the Game Boy in an old coffee can, and in that can it stayed 'til your granddad Davis Aurini was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Social Justice Warriors once again.
This time they called it #GamerGate. Your great-grandfather gave this Game Boy to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Davis's luck wasn't as good as his old man's. Davis was a Marine and he was killed -- along with the other Marines at the battle of Sarkeesian Island.
Your granddad was facing death, he knew it. None of those boys had any illusions about ever leavin' that island alive. So three days before the SJWs took the island, your granddad asked a gunner on an Air Force transport name of Yiannopoulous, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he'd never seen in the flesh, his Game Boy.
Three days later, your granddad was dead. But Yiannopoulos kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad's Game Boy. This Game Boy. This Game Boy was in your Daddy's hand when he was shot down over Reddit. He was captured, put in a Quinnspiracy prison camp. He knew if the SJWs ever saw the Game Boy it'd be confiscated, taken away. The way your Dad looked at it, that Game Boy was your birthright. He'd be damned if any feminists were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass. Five long years, he wore this Game Boy up his ass. Then he died of dysentery, he gave me the Game Boy. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of plastic up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the Game Boy to you.